The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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Last night, I went to the Dr. cos my right thumb has been hurting really bad for a couple of weeks. I do assembly work, and use tools, so it has been very hard at work. Anyway, went to Dr., got an x-ray, went to pharmacy.
Got home, kissed AH hello, he was fine. Couple of hours later, he is screaming that I don't know s@*# about anything, I probably have a boyfriend, I didn't really go to the Dr., he wants to know a complete accounting of the time between work and when I got home.
Hates the cats. Hates my daughter. Hates my son-in-law. Hates me. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I'm a whore. I'm a slut. I've been married too many times. I'm lazy. I'm a liar. My daughter is gay. He hates his son's girlfriend. I stuff my jaws with food until I can't fit anymore in my cheeks. I am just like his ex-wife. I sleep with any guy that comes along. My daughter is a slut, just like me. He wants a divorce for our 6th anniversary which is this coming Saturday. I would never have my own grandchild, and I had no claim to "his" grandbaby who we just got back from seeing in Michigan.........on and on......and on................EVERY WORD A LIE. Crazy, crazy stuff, made no sense, any of it. Some of it, I had to try real hard not to laugh. (Especially picturing myself with my cheeks stuffed full! LOL)
Screams F-you about 10,000,000,000 times in an hour. I was in the bedroom most of the "argument" and he was in the kitchen. I couldn't even see him. He does that, yells from another room, but won't look me in the eye. He must know he is full of it.
I just went on to bed, and in the middle of his temper tantrum (well, he WAS drunk) I fell asleep! LOL. When I woke up the house was quiet. I didn't even get up to see where he was. When I got up this morning, he had made himself a little bed in the kitchen (again) out of some bath towels that I had washed and folded from our camping trip. And for a cover, he was using a little washcloth on his shoulder. Still had on all his workclothes and boots. Weird.
I had read in the Forum that a woman imagined that there was a really thick unbreakable glass between her and her AH. When he started the abusing talk, she imagined his words bouncing off it back to him. She believed the words he said were how he felt about himself.
I know my AH must hate himself a whole lot, and I actually do feel sorry for him, a little. But I am amazed that instead of crying, trying to reason with him, getting my feelings hurt, not being able to go to work in the morning....I just went to sleep. And I feel OK today, except, you know, even though the words are lies, they still kinda sting.
I have not talked to him today yet. I just got up and went to work as he staggered from his little towel-bed into the real bed. I just got off work, now I am going to my exercise class, and get weighed and measured today. I am feeling so much better going to the exercises.
We both took this Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon off work to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Wonder how that will go.
Thanks for listening. I feel better already. The insanity just never ends. I just pray that my husband someday seeks help for his disease before I lose my feelings for him. I know how I am. I will take, and take. Then one day, I won't anymore. And I don't want it to be that way, but I cannot control it anymore than I can control him. I hope something good happens before the door closes, and I cannot open it to him anymore.
"Hates the cats. Hates my daughter. Hates my son-in-law. Hates me. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I'm a whore. I'm a slut. I've been married too many times. I'm lazy. I'm a liar. My daughter is gay. He hates his son's girlfriend."
Your words.
Thirteen good reasons to kick his a$$ to the curb!! If all the rest of it isn't enough, the first time the A ever called me a whore or a slut, the door would slam into his behind on the way out. You allow him to call your daughter a slut as well??????????????? Come on Sweetie, you can do better than this.
I am not coming down on you Becky, but I am aghast that you are willing to take this abuse. This is far and away more than the "disease talking." This is disgusting filth, and you should not leave yourself in a place to have to listen it it.
With love and caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Just remember when one door closes another one opens. I was in a relationship many years ago similiar to what you just dealt with. The wording was different but still stung just as bad. Just remember you are the only one that can let what someone else says hurt you. I think you did good in how you handled it. It is really hard to detach. I also feel better after talking here on the boards.
No, I do not allow him to talk that way, but he does. I cannot control how he talks, but I can control how it affects me. My daughter is grown and does not live at home, she is married, and not his child. He is angry with her for having him put in jail last Dec.
The disease affects all areas of our lives. When sober, he doesn't curse at all. When drunk, it just rolls out of his mouth. Crazy stuff. He is like a blubbering monster.
I just got home, he had left a note of apology. Big deal, I've heard it before. I'm going back to the exercise class for an aerobics workout. Hopefully he'll be asleep by the time I get back home.
Thanks for your replies. Wish I had an answer for you. I am getting better. I am a work in progress, and God is not finished with me yet.
My dear it sounds absolutely unbearable to be where you are. I can't believe how the most evil things come out of their mouths. I am so sorry - you sound like you are really in the middle of a mess. Can you leave and go to a friend's house or something when this happens?
I really admire your ability to detach at this point. My husband is just stupid when drunk, sometimes angry but never calls me those kind of names...
Hang in there, sweetheart. I am praying for things to smooth out for you, and for him to seek recovery. I know what you mean about losing your feelings. There is only so much of your heart that can be chipped away before that begins to happen. You are worth so much more than that, Becky....
Love and ((((HUGS)))) for a sweet, caring, compassionate person....
That is an amazing job you did there! I am applauding your ability to not engage in the "muck".
I pray your AH gets his shit together soon. He is certainly incredibly lucky not to be out on his fowl mouthed keyster right now!
You keep taking care of yourself, and remember no matter how much we care for them, we don't have to put up with any of that abuse in the name of any disease.
You know I love you dearly, and I say this with all love and respect:
Would you put up with this if
1) he was sober?
2) was not your husband? or any other relative for that matter?
3) he was your boss?
4) because you are waiting for him to find recovery?
5) because you don't think that you deserve to be happy?
These were all questions I asked myself when hubby was active. Tough ones to answer, especially the last one. That one took me a while. I always answered NO to the last one, way too quickly. At some point enough is enough, and you do what you see is best. You're a strong woman and can handle many things. Recovery mean taking back your life. The time is at hand dear one.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Amazing what they say when they are drunk.. It is almost like their brains shut off.. I too think it is amazing how you detach. I dont think i could ... Names hurt more than if he would have just slapped you.. ( at least for me anyway ) I cant say what i would do because I too live in a CRAZY HOUSE.. :)
Just dont forget to take care of yourself.. You are worth it. !!
Becky: I have been dealing with a lot of screaming lately. I do not know what it is about. I do know it is very very abusive. Of course I have also done my share of screaming. I have done the hate you's and more. I have done all that. And it got me nowhere.
So these days I say nothing. I just get on with what I have to do. But if you ask me I have had enough. I think one has to be very resourceful and careful about stuff. I have had bosses who screamed at me too, one who got so excited spit came flying out of her mouth. I've done the complain to HR stuff about them, nothing happened. So I think the having enough depends on one's resources.
Right now I am pretty in the thick of plan B. A few weeks ago the A hauled off and hit me and he smashed up my truck not at the same time. That was enough for me. But the issue is how does one leave, when, how, what are the steps to take to have enough.
Clearly right now you still have hope for your relationship you are planning an anniversary. It maybe that you have time to have an anniversary I don't know. My A and I have never had anniversary's. The A I live with is getting ready to go to a huge party for his mother who just married someone she met weeks ago. Needless to say I am not going with him, not because I don't care. I do care. I just don't engage anymore. I also know his mother is a hugely loaded issue for him and I have chosen not to get into the topic. I certainly have feelings about her marrying someone she just met. At the same time its up to her. I certainly also have feelings about her demands on her son's which has been a huge issue in our relationship. Right now after the events of the past weeks though those issues are small fry.
I do think for me that it sometimes is so hurtful to deal with the A the only way I can cope is to zone out and to try to focus on what is good about the relationship. For me right now the bad heavily outweighs whatever good there was. There was good at some time. There is and was a home we were trying to put together. Right now my task is to declutter all my stuff in the process of getting ready for whatever HP puts my way. HP has put some people who want to help me in front of me recently. I am willing to see what that brings me but I have tasks to do to get there. And I do those tasks each day.
I no longer try to figure out what it is that is bothering the A. Lately he has been screaming and keeping me awake when I come home from my night job. Before I would spend hours trying to work out what was wrong with him and trying to cajole it out of him. Right now I just say I hear your pain and go back to sleep. Does that mean I don't care. I do care but I also care about me these days and I know I no longer need to suffer just because he is suffering. I no longer need to take on his pain, after all he is sharing it so "openly".
I am glad you are here. This place is a magical place. I learned to detach here, manage my anger, believe me I am very very angry and I also learned that I deserve better and that I have to do certain tasks to get to "better".
Amid the awful stuff that he was spewing you did a wonderful job of detaching. No one needs to listen to that garbage. It's one thing to have the disease of alcoholism, but that crap just isn't acceptable.
I have to admit...I smiled when I read he was sleeping on a towel bed... I'm a little demented too cuz I busted out laughing when I read "And for a cover, he was using a little washcloth on his shoulder. LOL! Whatta visual. Christy :)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't understand some of the replies to this post.
As I read Becky's post it reminded me of hearing about people living with loved ones that had the disease of "alzheimers". Did we forget it is a disease talking? People with alzheimers can act the same way...ranting and raving, cussing, making a bed in the kitchen. They are not easy to live with either but they are sick. Would you question someone who stayed with their father who had alzheimers? Maybe if they became physically violent or you could not live with it anymore...you might put him into a home or something. If you had a support group like alanon that helped you to take care of yourself, even with this sick loved one at home with alzheimers would you want to kick him to the curb.
Becky...Although I am not living with an A spouse, I give you so much credit for taking care of you. I am sure you will know when it is time for you to leave this relationship. You are doing a great job living with this disease.
Well, hating people will ultimately spread their hate unto and onto others. I think it was important for me to realize that at a certain point, misery is a choice. And if your A wants to share is misery, you don't have to accept it.
When my husband and I were separated he slept on the COLD HARD floor of his home office. And I mean cold (it is right over our uninsulated garage) and hard (hard wood floor).
He refused any covering that I had bought, made, or touched. He slept on a cheap foam cushion with his DIRTY clothes as a cover. A sweatshirt on his legs, and dirty t shirts, underwear, socks, on his torso for warmth...UGH!!! Rather than take any old blanket from me. He would not even take an old stained quilt I had that I was going to throw away!
I was lonely sleeping in our bed alone, but I had a little comfort to know how uncomfortable he must be sleeping with dirty stinky underwear as a cover! LOL! While I slept on a clean comfy bed.
I don't have too much to say about the things he said to you and about your daughter, it is so shocking to me that I am simply incredulous. You know you don't deserve that and I hope something works out so you don't have to hear it anymore.
LOL)
I fell asleep! LOL. When I woke up the house was quiet. I didn't even get up to see where he was. When I got up this morning, he had made himself a little bed in the kitchen (again) out of some bath towels that I had washed and folded from our camping trip. And for a cover, he was using a little washcloth on his shoulder. Still had on all his workclothes and boots. Weird.
I am applauding your ability to not engage in the "muck".
