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Well, something that i thought would never happen to me in amillion years, happened last night: Husband physically attacked me. He came home drunk and got upset with me b/c he blew into my face and I told him to stop. It started int he bedroom and it ended up throughout the house ending inthe living room. He twisted my arms so hard they are swollen and bruised today. Everytime I would try to get to the phone to call 911, he would either push me to the ground or pull me back by the ahir. He slapped me across my face a few times and pinned me against the wall chocking me telling me that he was going to kill me. Everytime he twisted my arm harder he told me that he was going to break my arms. I fianlly got him to stop and got him back in the room. I knew that once he hit the bed, he would pass out. and he did. The worst part is that my 11 year old son heard the whole thing.
This morning he asked me why I was sleeping on the couch. I asked him if he remembers what he did to me, he said, "Yeah, you pissed me off!". He asked if there was anything he wanted to say to me. He said, " yeah, don't ever piss me off again!"
Well, i ended up at the police station and made a statement. They did not arrest him as they said that there were no witnesses. I kicked him out the house. He has been crying to me all day telling me he's sorry. He said that he knows that he has a drinking problem and that "he won't drink anymore"> God! HEard that a thousand times!!!!
He just called me now to tell me that he has been dealig with depression and me kicking him out just adds to it. That I am not helping him, just making it worse. Damnit! Why does he have to twist everything around? Why does he have to make me look like the bad guy, like I did something wrong. He thinks because he dosen't remember what happened and b/c it's his first time ever hitting me, that I should just forgive him and pretend that it never happened.
Hello desperate , am so sorry u had to go thru that it must have been terrifying for you. And of course he would make it your fault . You are n ot responsible for his mental well being anymore than your responsible for his drinking . Am glad u found the courage to ask him to leave your home. If he has hit his bottom ( which I doubt since he is blaming ufor his outburst) when he has hit his bottom he will get help .
I hope for your sake that u have hit yours.
Please find an Al-Anon suport group quick u will find people who have been where your at and can help u walk thru this ,you dont have to do it alone anymore. Your bruises will heal but your son will be along time forgetting what he saw and heard. He deserves one sane parent and our program will get u back on track . You are not anyones punching bag and alcohol is not an excuse for physical abuse . He did it once he WILL do it again. Unless he gets help.
Please take care of you Your worth the effort . Louise
I certainly hope that you have no intention of taking him back. This is the start of a tragedy, and you will be the victim. Change the locks...move...restraining order...do what you have to do to keep him away. I cannot get over the police refusing to arrest him because there was no witness. There probably won't be any witness to you lying on the floor dead either. Then what will be the official police excuse??? Please, please take care of your safely.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Amen Diva, David and Louise! I use to teach a class on human violence at the university with a big focus on domestic violence. This is a red flag. Do not take this lightly. Alcohol or no alcohol, he obviously can't control his emotions and you are in danger and have become the target of it. He hasn't hit rock bottom until he seeks recovery. Doesn't sound like he wants recovery. Sounds like he's making excuses. He's not ready. That's the addict talking to justify his addiction.
As for the police, call the Domestic Violence hotline in your area. They have victim advocates and can help you. They can also help you talk to the police. I have a hard time believing that they won't do anything about him. How can they explain the bruises on your arms? That wasn't self-inflicted or came from a fall. Try another officer, or ask to speak to the department head and ask why.
The safety of yourself and your child is the number one concern here. Please change the locks, change your phone number, stay with someone he doesn't know. Glad you're here with us. Please keep us posted.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I so agree with everyone's comments. Do what you need to do to keep safe. You have absolutely NO responsibility in being abused and him saying he did it because you pissed him off just shows that he isn't to owning it. If his calls are upsetting you, simply don't take them. He's attempting to play the manipulation- pity party game. You'll know when he's serious when he goes for help and stays sober. Even then, talk is cheap. Personally, an abuser wouldn't get a second chance in my life no matter what.
keep safe Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Everything has been said but couldnt not tell you to PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF !! You do not deserve that treatment not now not ever.. What would have happened if your son would have wondered into the room.. Dont take him back no way no how.. !!
Be careful, maybe tomorrow when the bruises appear they will believe you..
Well I can definitely relate. My boyfriend hit me a week or so ago. I still have bumps on my head. That was a real low point for me. Like your husband, mine blames it all on me. There is no apology for me. Since then he has been on this wind down depression. he can barely get out of bed and says his back hurts. And he is raging all the time. He had some issues with someone he works with and guess who gets it. Tomorrow he goes to the doctor, who knows what they will do for him. I don't hold out for much. I'm also not really that interested, I have been there and more for him when he is sick. He is a veteran has access to numerous resources and chooses actively day in day out not to access them. I can understand his reluctance to get help but I also know that the toll it takes on me and I'm not longer willing to bear the toll.
Does that mean I can move out tomorrow. Unfortunately not. I have to put a lot more pieces in place to do that but I do work on putting the piece sin place. I no longer accept responsibility for things he is responsible for. I don't confront him over them because he is abusive, mean, nasty, vindicitve and cruel so I just keep on working on my plan b, day and night. And I keep taking actions to get me out of here.
The last beating was one last straw for me in many last straws. I can't say it is easy to leave a relationship, any relationship but I deal with what obstacles are in front of me, poverty, logistics, resources and more. I just deal with them and work on them day in day out. So since then, largely through the help of a few people who encourage me and don't judge me and don't lambast me for "putting up with it" I am able to take actions, concerted actions day in day out...Since then I have been actively working a plan b. I am getting it in place and have a tentative back up plan in place. Do you have one? Do you have a place to go if he shows up drunk? The fact you made a report is good. I must say I have had mixed results from the police myself. Some of them are helpful some are not. They seem to be pretty ambivalent about domestic violence in general.
You have this place to come to. I am here. Others are here. No one is going to judge you here or tell you what to do. Nevertheless you will get a lot of support for all the emotions you are going through, anger, frustration, grief, whatever it is you can express it here and don't need to hold it in anymore.
Oh my goodness, can I totally relate to the manipulating and twisting! Everything always seems to be my fault and I am the one who cause him to relapse.
Having lived in that environment for many many many years, I can say personally how scary and how psychologically damaging it is to live there. I want you to know you have our love and support no matter what.
Having said that, I hope you consider that your well being is of the utmost importance, and if you are willing to take steps on your behalf of your well being--and again I speak from experience here--you will be amazed at the mericles that show up JUST when you need them. I have lived in homeless shelters, my car, my sponsors home, AA and Al anons homes, and finally university housing. I mean, it was a long road. But when the mericles came, it was BOOM.
I hope you take care of yourself. And keep asserting yourself. You're worth it.
I understand your story very well. It is true, the statistics are that once violent chances are very good it can happen again.
I am glad that you posted and talked about your feelings. The good news is there is help and hope and you can do it. Please do go back to the local police and also tell your regular MD, they should keep a confidential record on file should you need it in the future.
This is some valuable information they can answer questions, please do not hesitate to contact them for additional resources. 1-800-903-0111 Battered Womens Justice Project. National Organization for Victims Assistance is 1-800-TRY-NOVA National Resource Center for Domestic Violence at 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information 800-799-7233
Much care and wishes, tea2
One last note, I would not be concerned about the alcoholic hitting bottom so much as my own at this time, take care of #1.
((HUGS)) I have been in that very spot where you are right now. I might be out of line here but I don't think it was your A that hit bottom. I think it was you. When we begin to realize our we are worth better than that kind of treatment we are making a big step. Unless that was the eye opener your A needed to get the help he needs to stop drinking he probably won't yet.
This is how it happened for me. December 1996 we went to a party both of us were drunk he wanted me to cook for him. I was too drunk said no went to bed he wanted something else but couldn't (if you know what I mean) he got really mad threw a bunch of glasses and hot grease down the basement steps. (our bedroom was in the basement) then he got out his gun and I got scared. Talk about getting undrunk real fast. LOL!!!!! I flew up the steps and out my front door. It was about 20 below zero at about 2am. I got to my neighbors called the police and my a kept the police at bay for 3 hours. They were finally able to get him to come out and he was arrested for terriristic threats. He spent about 4 days in jail. The courts made him attend an anger control class for batterers and then he went to treatment. I attended classes of my own and so did my children who weren't even home when it happened. Going to those classes and learning about myself at that point was a life changing event for me. I know my mom said I changed ALOT after that happened. I never in a million years thought it would really come to that although looking back I can see the signs. That was the last time he ever hit me. I wish I could say that was the last time he was that drunk. He has been sober 3 months this time around. I however have been sober just a couple months over 9 years. For us things did manage to get better and he never quit striving for sobriety...he just couldn't quite grasp the knowledge that "he" wasn't the one in control.
You are in my prayers and I hope you are willing to do what you need to to take care of yourself and child/children. You don't deserve to live like that. No one does. ((HUGS))
