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Hi all, I had a hard weekend visit with my mom this last week. My parents are splitting up after 30 yrs and I find myself stuck somewhere in the middle. I think what it boils down to is that mom wants me to pick sides, and since i dont want to, she assumes i'm on dad's side. I feel like i'm a kid again and cant do anything right and it's driving me crazy. We had a big talk last friday, she said she thought i didn't care, that i must think what dad did was ok, and wondered why i wasn't upset by this. I tried really hard to apply the "say what i mean, mean what i say, and dont say it mean" when she asked me what i though of the divorce and their relationship/ my upbringing. We don't talk in this family, so anything that's not "fluffy" doesn't get talked about, so needless to say, that conversation went over like a fart in church. She was shocked to find out that i didn't think they seemed that happy. For as long as i can remember they haven't been, i didn't say anything mean, i simply stated reality as i saw it but like i said, that's not something i was taught to do by her, but by alanon. I told her I was feeling like i was having to be on her side or dad's side and i wasn't going to pick. That i loved them both and i have to view this as I have a mom and I have a dad, period. She left the next day in the middle of the day. She wasn't even going to give me or the kids a hug goodbye, she just headed for the door for no apparent reason. Ahhhh! Why do I let her get to me so much dang it.
I'm just really doubting myself, my program right now. She's had her phone turned off ever since and it's making my head run with me. I guess that's what it's suppose to do though isn't it. One of her complaints was that i wasn't calling her enough, (3-4 x's a week isn't enough I guess... anyway. I'm rambling. I guess i'm just feeling like that kid who cant do anything right again, and i'm wanting someone to reassure me of what i already know since my momma wont do it lol sick huh?
I think no one can make us feel smaller or greater than our parents. Period. Right now, I'm fighting with my mom over the fact that the bed sheets of my childhood are over 10 years old and need to be THROWN OUT. Not re used. Not used for my bed in my apartment. THROWN OUT. Needless to say, I'm having a hard time.
I think what really happens, at least for me, when it comes to my mother, is that I feel like I owe her something. Because of the times when she WAS there for me, when she WAS present in my life, I cling to the hope that she'll wake up, be alive, be present, be a parent again. When in reality I was HER parent for most of MY life. It's also a painful truth for me that my parents have been unable consistently to have an honest relationship reguarding needs, problems, concerns or boundries, and instead they scream, throw tantrums and act like children. So in essence I think parents as a whole just blow me away, get the old tapes running, and make me feel so small.
But then I realize something Melody Beattie discusses is true: We are the holders of our power. Ultimately, unless we allow another to hold our power, we cannot be victims. This is something that takes time for me, and on somedays I'm better at it than others. This is not to say I'm a failure on the days I give away my power--y'all have taught me that this is simply not the case. What has happened, y'all have taught me, is I have made a mistake and I can learn from it if I want to. And this is so freeing! No one takes more power from me--or rather, "borrows it as per my permission"--than my parents. So as time goes on, I'm learning that it's okay to get frustrated, try and control, lose my cool, or just throw my hands up and say "You know what?! I quit!!" because I am a work in progress. When I honestly try my best to live out my HP's will for me, one day at a time, the best I can, there is nothing else I can do; I am a human living my life the best I know how, trying to live it like my HP has asked me.
Thanks for reminding ME that I'm not the first to wrestle with these things.
I am so sorry you feel bad today. When I read your post it sounds to me like you did a great thing. Let both your parents know that no matter what they do... they are your parents and you love them. The rest is really up to them.
My parents are abrupt with their opinions, isolated and have very little need to be PC these days. I was shocked to no end when I sat down with them 5 years ago and said that my AW and I were seperating.
They said very matter of factly that they have grow to love my wife, even though they are aware there are problems, and no matter what we do they love us both and that won't change. I was floored. I guess I should give them more credit... LOL
Right now they are handling their own issues and likely not dealing with your issues at all, or not very well. But, give them some time and everything will likely work itself out. I think you handled that with a lot of compassion, and that's all you can do. Your serenity doesn't have to be based on their reaction to your gift of love.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 10:19, 2006-09-06
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Parents can sure put us in the doubting delimma. I know for many years mine did the same thing and they were already deceased, but my mind kept going.
Sounds like your mom is looking for validation. Course her looking to you for that is like us going to the hardware store looking for that proverable loaf of bread. You are still looking for validation from her which is isn't capable of doing either. I really embrace the program for teaching me to use that wonderful tool called detachment when my needyness is crashing together with someone elses. Not always easy to do, but is doable.
I hope your relationship with your Mom can become what you would like it to be. I think sometimes the gentler we become with ourselves, the easier it becomes to deal with those who can penetrate us the most.
(((Mastiff))) you are not going crazy...it is a healthy attitude of yours not wanting to pick sides (IMHO). As one who has one of those crazy/sick enabling parents (not are all that way). I can relate....if you told her in a healthy manner what you thought (she did ask) and she can't handle it...that's her issue and not yours. She sounds like she is on her own journey and no matter what you want or do...she's going to go the way HP intends for now.
Hello Mastiff , she was shocked that u saw thru the relationship ,isn' that what denial is ? she dosent have a program mastiff . tho it may have been rocky obvously she thought it was okay - go figure. She is probably scared half to death right now wondering how she is going to live with out dad and make it on her own .
Our slogan Let It Begin With Me will get u thru this keep calling and saying hello and that u are thinking of her , even if she dosent pick up the phone l You will be doing your part in your relationship by reaching out to her. leave the rst with her.
remember this is a disease of perception we all see things differently , stick to your reality you have been in recovery long enough to know what u saw and heard is real . Don't defend yourself * taking sides* your answer to her loving them both equally was perfect. let it go .
You always are, and always will be a good daughter. I have no doubts in my mind about that. Look at the wonderful person you are. Even when we grow up we want the love and approval of people who mean the world to us. Just human nature. I think deep down inside, you know that you don't need that, but it would just be nice to hear. That good, kind, caring, loving big old heart of yours just didn't come out of nowhere at a moment's notice. It's been there for a long time. My approval of you may not matter to you, but I love ya dearly and there's nothing you can do about it! So there!
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Mastiff, First I just wanted to say hi! I stopped by to see if there were any oldies but goodies around and I saw your post. :)
I am sorry to hear about your Mom and Dad, it isn't easy at any age to have your parents split up, and I am not surprised it makes you feel like a kid again. Your Mom is feeling very insecure right now and if you can be patient with her, when she has had a time for healing she will feel different. I think your honesty will be appreciated in the future and it may even open up the opportunity to get some feelings out in the open and share with your Mom and work through it, at least you and your Moms relationship.
Dear Mastiff, don't doubt your feelings and your program, you are doing great and this is a very difficult time for you and your family, but this too shall pass and you will look back on it someday and realize that you made it through, Gods grace will take you through....... Remember Mastiff, " ADVERSE CIRCUMSTANCES BRING OPPORTUNITIES FOR MIRACLES"
Love, Doozee
(Remember when you tried to pick me up teeeeeeheeeeee! :)
(((((Roomies)))))))) thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement. I have called mom twice but have not heard back. I guess I just keep my side of the street clean and keep the focus, so here I am! Dozzers, your too much girl, I think I shoulda tried picking up on you, your so darn cute I just cant help it!
So there! 