You know, I think it is not so much a matter of trust as one of accepting reality. If you are living with an active A, trusting that he will not drink is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Of course your trust will be violated. It is more useful to accept that he will drink, and to think about what you will do about it.

Setting reasonable boundaries that take care of yourself, and that you will actually enforce, is a good way to start - for instance, you can say "When I am verbally abused, I will not try to defend myself, but will instead chose not to participate, and will leave the room, or the house". In this way, you are controlling your own behaviour, which is possible, instead of trying to control the A, which is not.

My husband drank and drugged throughout the first 17 years of our marriage. I said a lot of things, had a lot of confrontations, did a lot of nagging and drawing of lines in the sand. I may as well have saved my breath. I firmly believe, looking back on it now, that I didn't prevent even one drink from being taken - in fact, I gave him an excuse to drink (as if he needed one!) by my behaviour. After all, he was married to such a shrew!

He is sober now, but still has some real problems. I have chosen to pay as little attention to those as I can, and instead I focus on what he does to ME. Does he fulfill his obligations to me and the children? Does he treat me with affection and respect? This is what I have a right to expect - anything else is none of my business.

A book that you may find very helpful is "Getting them Sober" by TOBY RICE DREWS. It is not official alanon literature, buy many of us have found it very very helpful, full of useful tips on how to treat or not treat the A. The alanon program as such is much less focused on the A, and more on ourselves - getting on with our recovery, and getting out of the way of theirs.

Hi Wifey...

(((((((((((((((((((Wifey))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

My husband too broke our trust in our marriage.  I left my first husband at the first sign of adultery, that is just MY boundary and husband now knows this that I don't put up with that stuff from a HUSBAND.

So...as is often the case he steps his toe on my boundary without actually going over.  He began having "internet sex" and became invovled with porn and began specific internet relationships.  Sheesh what a creep!  Anyway I found out about it and confronted him.  He lied and denied, but I had printed the stuff out BEFORE I confronted him as I know how sneaky he is...besides, I have been through this before...sigh.

Anyway when he saw that lying did not work (he claimed that the porn I found was a virus that he had no control over, what an idiot!) he finally came clean when I told him the specific names of his "girlfriends" and told him that I had evidence locked up in a safe (all true).  Then he started a new song and dance about how it was all "fantasy"  and "like a video game" and not really cheating or adultery.  HAH!  Like I would buy that.  It didn't work and we separated...

We eventually got back together and I have to admit I still don't have full trust in him.  I feel like what he did was sort of peel back a curtain of what he is capable of...and that curtain can be pulled back again anytime.  Once a dishonest, unfaithful lying creep, always a dishonest, unfaithful lying creep, however they may at times keep a lid on this.

Anyway, perhaps you should get rid of that "tough love" philosophy when it comes to your husband.  Your husband is not your  son, you are not raising him!  Tough love is a philosophy for parents of rebellious children, it is supposed to teach them not to give in to them and indulge them, but to be firm about discipline and conseqeunces, not stepping in to "rescue them" and letting them suffere the natural conseqeunces of their actions.  What are you doing rescuing your husband in the first place?  He is an adult.  You are not his Mom. 

Perhaps stop rescuing him in general?  Stop acting like a parent towards him?  Stop thinking in parenting terms like "tough love" when it comes to other adults who are your peers.  Why are you wanting to learn how to "implement" tough love?  It is a discipline technique for raising CHILDREN, not one for relating to our adult peers.

Everyone is different, but I would never dream of policing my husband's drinking.  If I could not live with an alcoholic I would just leave him.  I would not try to manipulate and control his beahavior, I will just decide if I can put up with it or not.

As you are finding out it is horribly difficult and stressful to try to control, supervise, or police another adults behavior.  Now I did all of that with my daughter while she was growing up and it was no picnic then!  But I refuse to do that with an adult who is NOT my responsibility. 

So what if he drinks while you are at work?  If you can't live with someone that drinks put your efforts into leaving him.  If you can't leave him use alanon to learn how to overlook his drinking while you pursue a healthy happy life for yourself.

I hope you find something that works for you!  I know it isn't easy, but alanon has changed my life, and I hope you can use it to change yours for the better also.

Isabela

WOW!  So much information was shed from those that responded.  I was reading and had to reply.  I know that Isabella mentioned the tough love topic.  The only reason that I used that term was because yesterday when I called the AA helpline the woman that I spoke with referred to tough love regarding this particular situation that I was facing.  You are right though with your comments and I will allow the time to let them sink in.  Obviously I don't have the answers and I don't know what is right and what is wrong relating to this issues, but I am trying.  I am not the best person, but I want to do what is best for me and in return that goodness that I find for myself will be an opportunity for those around me to see the difference.  Thank you for sharing.  Some of the information was hard to hear, but needed to be said.  Bless you all!

Wifey