The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my stepdad is a recently-diagnosed alcoholic. my mom was very dependant on him for many years until his condition worsened. then their roles reversed - she took over all aspects of their lives - managing bills, health & work issues etc.
unfortunately, recently my stepdad has been hit with severe medical problems related to his alcoholism. that was too much for my mom to deal with. when she was on the verge of a mental breakdown, i flew over to their place. ive been staying in their home for 7 weeks now, trying to get their lives back on track.
my stepdad suffered physical, cognitive and neurological setbacks from this last medical incident. he has made and continuing to make progress on the physical front. however on the congnitive/neurological fronts he is not all there mentally. yesterday the doctors told us they dont know if hell ever be back to his old self with full mental abilities.
this news devestated my mom. up till this point most of our (my mom and i) focus was on helping my step dad recover. we've been going with him to his office, physical/cognitive therapists, aa meetings - complete care. now, to his dismay, my stepdad is not physically and legally able to drive now, so he is totally dependant on my mom and i. his recovery his laden with lots of little steps in the right direction, but just as many steps in the wrong direction. this situation, when things dont always go the way we wish, is detrimental to my mom. her happiness is tied to her husbands progress.
so the latest news, extinguished a lot, if not all the hope my mom had for the future. now, i realize that my mom needs as much support as my stepdad, if not more. we've managed to go to a couple alanon meetings, and found them disappointing. they were dry and had a sad atmosphere to them, people were just reading pages off alanon approved literature, not much sharing going on. the aa meetings we attend are much more lively and engaging.
i do think the alanon program would do great things for my mom, if she works it. she really needs it. her life is unmanageable now. she fits all the criteria for being an alanon candidate. but now shes such a wreck she doesnt feel like going to alanon meeting and giving the program a serious try. i dont want to pressure her to go to these meetings, out of the fear of causing resentment to me and the program. but i really feel she (and i) should go to these meetings.
im dealing with the whole situation better than my mom: im very accepting of my stepdad condition, my life feels manageable (eventhough, for the time being i put most of my life on hold, to stablilize my parents life), im not depressed, i realize i can only do so much to change my stepdad (or my mom for that matter).
the strength i have is a double-edge sword, on the one hand it keeps things around my parents home somewhat stable and livable. on the other hand, my strength and my mom's frailness, puts us in a place where it is very hard for my mom and i to relate to one another. my mom finds great comfort in my mere presence around the house. but she does not want, and i am not able to successfully provide emotional support to her. she doesnt want to talk to me about tough issues, her feelings, actions that need to be taken etc.
whenever i talk to my mom about her, what i think would be good for her to do, what i think she is doing wrong, it is viewed as an attack on her. she is now so fragile that i cannot say anything that will be interpreted as criticism. so discussion of the situation we're in is becoming a taboo.
im finding it very difficult to get to her. do you have any ideas, suggestions, different approaches i could try?
id like to read from you any suggestions/recommendations on how to get my mom to go with me to these meetings and how to get her to believe in the alanon program.
id also like to find out what feelings and thoughts you had when you first toyed with the idea of going/not going to alanon meetings and your first impressions of alanon. please share your initial alanon experiences especially if you had reservations about entering the program.
also, no need to be polite, dont be shy. please point out things that i am doing wrong. im not an objective observer of myself, my actions and how they may be perceived by other people.
Tough times. Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do to get your mom into the program - just like the A, she needs to want help badly enough to grab for it.
Some easier ways to sorta wade out into the program, rather than just dive in, might be - coming here, rather than f2f for the moment; reading the Forum (you can probably borrow copies from your f2f - just because she's not going doesn't mean you don't need it); going to open AA meetings for a while.
Try to do what you can to just give her a break - not connected in any way to the whole sad situation. Sometimes people are just so darn overwhelmed that they don't want to think about it at all, and that's OK, for a while.
Hello Son , well my first impression of this program was I am not going back to those stupid meetings. that was 20 yrs ago. still going . Sometimes we go to meetings with a pre concieced idea of what we will hear we have so many questions and when we leave with out them we are dissapointed . Occasionally meetings are " down" but not for long , often a meeting is full of new people like mom who have lost hope and are living in despair , with the lack of old timmers a positive attitude is hard to maintain.
Keep looking for meetings with a good mix of old and new members Old timers have been where your mom is at right now and they will walk her thru it. With your dad not being able to drive perhaps there is a meeting place where both AA and Al-Anon meetings are held at the same time, which would really simplify things for them both. Also check into day time meetings .
AA is great for dad and occasionally for mom too but she needs to recover in an Al-Anon room not an AA room. Just my opinion . good luck Louise Just keep going she will find some meetings that fit .
Along with what lin and abby said...I just wanted to say that I was told the same thing about my husband's mental state. The Dr's were honest with you, they don't know. It took months for my husband to regain a healthy mental status after he stopped drinking. Fortunately, I was already here when he got sick and was told that all is not lost. A member here had been through almost the same circumstances and assured me that he could recover. Trust me, I hung on to her every word of hope. The same man that I could not leave alone for fear of what he would do is now working for British Petroleum (BP/Amoco) in an executive position. Please tell her not to lose hope. There's always hope.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am sorry to hear of your mom's dilema but also happy to hear that she has such a loving son as you are to support her.
You don't say how old any of you are, but chances are high that your mom is from the generation that was taught to put her family (especially her husband) before herself and her own needs. Not only that, but they were also taught not to talk about problems in the home, that it is "complaining" and so not polite or ladylike and it also feels disloyal to them to appear to be "complaining" about loved ones in public. This is especially true when it comes to alcoholism, she was probably conditioned to think this is very shameful and she should probably try to keep it a secret.
Right now there is a lot more going on than the emotional problems that an alcoholic causes to family members. There is the stress of caring for a mate with a serious and chronic debilitating illness, and also the added stress that comes with role reversal.
In my area there are support groups for the caregivers of people with serious and chronic diseases. Perhaps you can research if there is one in your area. Maybe your Mom would not be so reluctant to join a support group for the medical problems your Stepdad has. These groups can provide some much needed support, such as help in arranging for "daycare" for your stepdad to give your mom a break, and emotional support for her changing role and emotional stress.
Perhaps after some time in a group such as this, your mom may become accustomed to opening up to others and talking about how she feels.
I suggest you contact your local hospitals social worker, or your stepdads doctor to see what is available in your area.
Opening up is a very personal thing and can't be forced. Especially to people who are private as a rule. Talking openly in a group of strangers about personal family problems is unbearable for some people. Maybe your mom would consider private therapy? Just someone to talk to who could help support her emotionally?
What about any close friends your Mom may have? Normally wifes of alcholics isolate themselves so she may have lost touch with them...so maybe you can help here. Encourage her to get back in touch with some old friends and faciliate it. Maybe buy her a gift certificate for a nice restaurant for her to take an old friend to lunch while you care for your stepdad.
It sounds to me like your mom needs a lot more help than what alanon can give. She needs professional support services. Caring full time, even temporarily, for a severely ill family member is very stressful and can severely drain a family member, especially a spouse. Her own healthy may suffer if she continues to be overburdened with caring for her husband alone. I am assuming you will eventually have to leave and return to your own life, regardless of how much you care and want to help.
Perhaps in time, as your mom learns to turn to professionals for support and help, she may become accustomed to opening up and getting support and that talking about family members is not the end of the world. Maybe in time she may be more open to alanon and trying to find someone who may be in a similar situation and who can provide some support and understanding.
I hope things improve for your mother. She sounds like a wonderful lady to have raised such a caring and compassionate son and to be so devoted to caring so faithfully for your stepdad.
