The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two weeks ago, I told my AH that we couldn't have a relationship 'til he started some real recovery. He has his own place now, and comes by to visit our two year old occasionally. He doesn't show up very often now that I've told him he doesn't have responsibility at our home as an excuse for drinking. My therapist says he's got it easy. I was tired of hearing how overburdened he was when he was doing nothing for us, so I drew a line in the sand...."you owe us nothing but to take care of yourself." I am due to have a baby in a few weeks, and the reality is setting in. It is setting in for him as much as he can grasp it in his current state. He has been struggling with not drinking for a few months....not going well. Anyway, I am doing alot better since I drew the line. I have more fun with my son, and am getting alot done. Then my midwife calls and happens to mention that I am full term on the 7th. The baby could come in a week! I don't think I understood he was ever really gonna come outta here. Now, I'm a little freaked out. I'm going to school to be a midwife, so babies and labor aren't the issue. I just feel a lack of support and pregnant lady worship that is long overdue. Luckily, it has been an unbelievably easy pregnancy, but I hate that I am the only one to celebrate it and I am too busy. I also grieve for my AH that he may recover and have to feel regret for missing all of this. This past week I have seriously been thinking about initiating an intervention for him. I called a local treatment center, and they are encouraging and say to wait til he has had a little time with the baby. In the meantime, it is nice to know that they gave me a "ticket" to just worry about the baby. I am slowly contacting friends I think would like to help get him into a program, but I am mostly just doing baby "nesting" things and being peaceful. I have spent some time thinking about the changes that have occurred in myself in the past few months, and am very surprised and proud! Even treatment doesn't feel like a way for me to control the situation or manipulate him.....it is simply an act of love for someone who is obviously seeking some peace and quiet to heal......after his hand is forced, of course. Before now, I was trying to think of just the right thing to say to spark his fire of attending meetings and wanting his family back. I still can't deal with thinking that he won't be back someday, but I have no control in his recovery and what he does with his free time other than visit his son sober and pay the bills is none of my business and only contributes to MY illness. I am very hopeful of what will happen in so many ways in the next month....new baby, new semester in college, new massive amount of responsiblity, and.....possibly, some motivation for his recovery......who knows. Yours in recovery, (with a long road ahead) Virginia
As a child of an alcoholic (many, many moons ago), I want to say that you are truly giving your children the very best gift in the world. My mom (who is/was the very best person in my life) was too tired, overwhelmed, enabling, controlling to my Dad that she ran out of energy for us.
Children are very special gifts from God given to us parents for only a short while. And Children most definitely learn what they live. You have the opportunity to shape these beautiful children in the most loving, gentle, nurturing way. Don't give up hope.
In addition, the bonus is you have peace and serenity in your home. Dealing with the grief of a loss is no picnic but just reading this sounds very peaceful. You are having more fun with your son. That's wonderful. My home growing up was filled with strife, fear, and walking on cracked eggshells. If you walk on those cracked eggshells long enough, we crack ourselves.
Know that you are never alone. Your HP is there for you each and every moment. All you need do is reach out and accept his presence. In addition, you've got us Alanuts who support, encourage, love and accept you just the way you are. Grieve the loss - feel the feelings so that you can deal with them and heal from them.
The 4 G's for an A is Get off his back; Get out of his way; Give him to God; and Get to a meeting yourself.
Keep coming and keep posting and remember you and your children are the most important people in this world.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
