The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I have not felt totally good for the last couple of days. My back & hip are so stiff nothing is working much. I am just going on as usual. I had an appt today and of course it is a good thing I took my A along. She had to fill out paperwork too. We had a bunch of clothes to donate. I do believe I was the one to get them from the trailer. She did show up & help load. The person we were to take them too is off until Tues. So we took them to the free clothing bank. I still have another car load.
Gawd she has no since of time or concept of what it is. She wears a watch but I guess she forgot how to tell time. I got to my appt. , we are talking to the lady she is a friend too. I was told to be quiet because she (my A) was talking. She told this friend that we were suppose to be quiet when the other one spoke. She was downright rude. She does not see it.
I thought today was going pretty well. I told her to wait when I went to work. As usual the old man did not remember a thing he did or said the day before. I called her from work and I suspected she had been drinking. The drinking doesn't bother me but driving 16 miles to come pick me up? Sheesh, we got pulled over by the state trooper on the condition of the car. The rear shocks are gone. I rides low but does not scrap. We got a warning I and others told her that we could get pulled over again.
So when I called home she was like I was bothering her. I worked from noon to 8pm. She called me to verify what time I got off work. Well 8pm came and went and no way home. I sit in a private home so it is awkward at best to wait & wait & wait.
8:35pm our next door neighbors van drives up. I said nothing. I walked out and got inside. My boss lady said I had been waiting 35 minutes when they asked if I was ready to go home. I hate riding with our neighbors. They are nice people but the wife is 48 and her driving scares me. We were doing 30 to 35 all the way home on a 55 mph road.
My A finally says you want to know what happened? I said I was being quiet & listening. Some reason she tried to turn the car around on a dirt road & got stuck. ( She was on the embankment.) I never said a word I was furious. She does this alot. We get the neighbor to pull in our yard to get a chain to tow. Everyone was telling her how to back up in our 5 acre yard. I was getting so annoyed and a headache too. We went to our car and eventually it was pulled out. I drove home. She gets her bottle of wine & started to get in the drivers side. I am still not saying a word no comment. I asked what time she had in mind of us doing the sale tommorrow. Times like this anything I say is and arguement.
We get into the driveway and she starts in with all kinds of accusations, excuses why she did not get there on time. It was 8pm & I was trying to get everyone to help me. I have no idea why on earth she got stuck the way she did. It was totally stupid. I turned up the radio & she was like sure sit in the car go ahead. I came inside to try and get ready for the two day sale we have to do to get the vet bill down on the two dogs. She is still nagging me. You want to know what I have drank today? Look? I told her I did not care if she bought out the store. I asked her when she remembered me nagging her last. Good Grief! I hate it but I lost it & yelled at her. She told me to leave, get in the car and go. I need to call my boss and tell her about her. She would not get out of my way. She said I can do the sale alone. ( she says how easy it is to do the sale yet she has not done one by herself.) I told her she can leave and get out of my way. I have stuff to do for the sale tommorrow. I told her to go have a sinus party and leave me alone. I finally turned up the radio & worked on my project for the sale Saturday & Sunday. She finally got her 2nd bottle of wine & the phone & went outdoors.
This is incredible. She tells everyone how Carole, a freind told her to quit smoking or lose her as a friend. She quit.
I feel like I am getting no respect. How do you get respect when no one is listening? am told how I should feel. I am told I should not get upset. You can not change it so chill out. I am so sick of this. I get it at work one day then the next I get it at home. I am so sick of being the responsible one. I wish she would mind her own business. WHY?????
Well I get the sale tommorrow, she is sleeping in the hot bedroom. I plan on getting up & loading up and doing the sale. She can have her pity party all by herself. All this stupid stress no wonder my back is killing me.
Well in my life the difference between being a doormat and not fighting is this...I was a doormat for a long time....I took so very much shit....I just let him walk all over me and in this process I lost myself...I had no self estems or self respect....I laid down and I took it, I got so wrapped up in his addiction that I let him get away with everything.....I let him lie to me, deceive me, just walk all over me....and then one day I found this wonderful site....God is great!!!!
Then I learned that I had control of me.....he did not anymore....I am not telling you this happens over night....It took some time....so the not fighting anymore was because I was tired of it...I was sick and tired of letting him control and walk all over me.....now it is my choice, so just not fighting about it gives me peace....I am a realist now, I know that his addiction is a huge part of his life.....so I just chose to not fight about it anymore...for my very own peace of mind.....
Stay strong, one day at a time, live your life again, just for yourself...not for the addict...Slow and steady and you will see...we don't have to be doormats...we can be in c ontrol of our own lifes...really people can only treat us the way we allow them to...After all, God gave us our life....and I have no doubt he wants peace of all of us..
One difference, for me, between not being a doormat and not fighting, is that I realized it was not my job to point out to the A what he was doing wrong, and why it was wrong, and so forth. When he would proceed to point these things out to me, I realized I did not have to defend myself, or really say anything at all. "You may have a point there..." "I'll have to think about that" and then just go and do whatever I had been intending to all along. This is what the A does to us all the time, really. They say whatever they have to to shut us up, and then do whatever they want. We have the same right - just because someone else doesn't like what we are doing, doesn't mean we have to listen. We really were not put on this earth to please everyone who has an opinion.
I think sometimes we try to make up for the A's deficiencies - the more unreliable the A becomes, the more reliable we are; the more they don't listen to anybody, the more we allow everybody on earth to have a say over us; the lazier they get, the harder we work..... As if the two of us were one person, and as long as the total output from the team was sufficient, then everything would be OK. However, it doesn't work that way. One person cannot BE another, cannot take over all the responsibilities of another, except in very limited practical terms. We are individuals in our own right - we are responsible for our own actions, but ONLY for our actions.
In practical terms this means accepting that your A is undependable. Therefore, as much as possible, you need to stop depending on her. It doesn't matter that this is not fair, or right - what matters is that you are not left wondering where your ride comes from every day. There are different ways you could do this - just take the car when you need it, and let her squawk; put all resources into getting you a vehicle, making other things wait until this is done; you (not your A) making an arrangement with a neighbour that you can count on, maybe putting it on a strict business footing, rather than that of a favour..... I don't know what the answer is, but you think about it in terms of "OK, if she were just not here, how would I deal with this problem?" and then just do that.
This removes a lot of the resentments, and makes it possible for you to look at your situation with some clarity, rather than the minute by minute struggle which you are now engaged in.
I used to spend so much time trying to convince my husband how wrong he was, and how right I was. When I instead put that time and energy into finding solutions to my problems, rather than trying to force him to find them, life got easier. I was terrified of making him mad, when I didn't do just as he said, but honestly he was just as glad to have me off his back, and, on the whole, there were LESS fights when I just went my own way.
I don't know if this is helpful to you, but often just turning your thinking around does make a difference.
I can definitely relate to feeling intensely frustrated, alone, angry, bitter and resentful. It is like the A has this magnet at the bottom of his feet. Ask him for anything and he will find a million excuses not to do it. He is so oppositional.
Then I came here and started working on me. Of course that didn't mean I stopped fighting with the A for a long long time. I would still come here and remonstrate about how unfair it is And believe me it is unfair to deal with someone who is an alcoholic.
Lately I have come to see that he has let his "illness" take over. This weekend he sat in a vat of self pity. He felt sorry for himself the whole weekend. When I was in the car with him he would rant and rave. Before I would try to answer him. Now I do not. I cannot answer an "illness" can I?
I don't think the understanding it is a disease comes overnight. It has not for me. I have been here 6 years, 6 years longer than I should have.
For me personally living with the A was a way I was still trying to undo what my parents did. My parents were dysfunctional, ill, addicts. They did not take care of me. For my entire life I thought it was something about me. If I had been better, prettier, more intelligent, adept, whatever they could have loved me. These days I know they were addicts and they did not love themselves. I do not forgive them yet but I do understand how that experienced led me to be drawn to someone like the A I am with now. I was trying to "undo" the win against the disease and I cannot. Right now the disease has the A - it does not have me. I have you here in Al-anon and it cannot get me. But if I were to stop coming here I have no doubt I would be out there codependent as ever again. I am daily, minute by minute taking back my life. Today it was decluttering and getting rid of stuff getting ready, planning plan b. I turn it over daily but the A does not not goad me anymore in ways he did in the past.
I have been here 6 years, 6 years longer than I should have.
Thanks for your insight! It helps me see others points of view. I was seeing where you said "6 years longer than I should have". I have come to learn that Alanon is going to be with me just as long as my depression or chronic pain......the rest of my life.
so I guess you meant 6 years longer than you planned on staying.HP has other plans for us.
I've been following your posts for quite awhile now. Are there any Al Anon or open AA meetings in your area? Do you have a sponsor? Work the steps? Have the book Alcholics Anonymous?
I consistently read how you feel, how you resent her behavior, but one of the things that a relationship ultimately hazards is someone will bomb or screw up.
