The material presented
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I have worked hard this week trying to put thing into order for me to leave my AH. I felt that was best for both of us. . I was sure that I was making the right move. Then..........it seems like doors started to close. I had 3 people who have many years in Al-Anon tell me the program suggests that you don’t do anything for 6 months. I found out that months ago the bank did not put my name on the title of the house when we refinances. A mistake but in order to get it corrected my AH will have to sign a quick claim deed and it could have a real effect on a property settlement if I leave. I became uncomfortable over the place I was going to rent and didn’t sign the lease soon enough so it has gone to someone else. This is driving me nuts. 6 years ago I was a strong woman. I managed a department of 20 employees for a large corporation and did not have a problem making a decision. I was a single parent for 17 years, bought and sold houses, cars, managed my own affairs and was happy. Now I am questioning everything I do and my AH is taking advantage of the situation. He questions me about every dime I spend on groceries unless it is something he has asked me to pick-up. He wants to know exactly what time my meeting got over and why it took me so long to get home. He doesn’t want me to deposit my paycheck in the bank because he wants it done right. I don’t know how to respond to these outrageous demands without pouring fuel on an already tinder dry relationship. After reading Tiger2006’s answer to the post on emotional hostages, I looked up the reference to Emotional Abuse. This article could have inserted my Ah’s and my name in almost every single explanation. I feel old, stupid, unattractive, incompetent and completely unwanted. This is truly sick and I want out. Why does the program suggest 6 months? I haven’t been around the program long enough to get a sponsor. I do not have anyone else to talk to that has any understanding of alcoholism. You folks are my life line right now. What do you suggest? Stay put until the doors open again, force them open and leave or ?????
Hello Pat , doors closeing well to me that would be a sign that the time is not right. Obviously u have some foot work to do (name on the title etc.) as to your hsb demands he can demand all he wants practice detachment . It is your paycheck and it dosent take a brain surgeon to deposit it , keep doing what your doin . I suspect what he wants is to control the money because he does know that u are changing and he dosent like it one damn bit. He needs you alot more than u need him and a part of him knows that.
The most common way to control is often thru money , more importantly the lack of it. Just keep the focus on yourself and detach from the demands that make no sence . When u live with alcoholism long enough u do question your sanity and lack of ability it is the nature of the disease ,it is how it affects us the non drinker. Begin to trust yourself again your gut and insticts. Trust what your seeing and hearing NOT what he wants u to see.
My husb has always been very generous so I have not had to deal with what your going thru so I didn't have a problem sharring what I earned either, many of my friends have lived the way u are at the moment . I have always had a bank account of m y own to do my stuff with . And the thought was often there that if I had to leave I would have some money tucked away. I worked so felt I had a right to keep a little for m yself , husb never objected. am very grateful
Keep going to meetings , focus on your own needs and share with your al anon friends I am sure one of them has been where your at and can help u walk thru it . good luck Louise
PS. I have been in prog long enough that when the time is right it's a You'l know situation u will not have any doubts . you will know that it s time to leave OR it's ok to stay. "You will Know" Do the footwork and leave the outcome to God .
What I have learned in Alanon is that you are right where you are suppose to be. What is good is that you are seeing the pattern that the disease takes in him and you ie your competence that you have lost, you abilities, and all. He has a disease but sometimes we are sicker than they are. F2F meetings help, reading the literature, talking to others, coming to this board, it all helps. Our HP's seem to be trying to teach us lessons as well as help us along. Hang in there.
I am in kind of the same situation you are. I don't know to leave or to stay, but maybe all of these things that are happening to you are signs that it is not time. I don't have enough experience in Alanon to tell you anything, but all I do daily is pray, pray, pray, and have contact with another person in recovery. To reach out is so important. I think I have decided when things calm down for me I need to grasp this program fully and get a sponsor. They say things change when you begin to work the steps. Then you will begin to get busy also.
I feel for you with the control issue with your husband, that would be so hard. You should have the right to do with your paycheck what you want!
I am praying for you. Please take care of yourself. You can get away from him for a while, meet friends for lunch, go to a movie, etc. - I wish I could meet ya! We could do something FUN! I am so tired of being sad and confused I need to hang out and enjoy some life! I hope you have good friends and/or family, if not, there are plenty of new friends to be made in face to face meetings....
I hear you. I hear your pain because I am living it. I have not been in alanon long either. My husband is addicted to perscription drugs. Through the years he has become more and more possesive. It is so bad that he will call me every few minutes if (on the few occassions that I allow myself) I go shopping with my mother. He is jealous of the kids and (although he has denied it) he wants control of everything. He will spend money that I had planned for bills and then get frustrated with me that we don't have any extra or that checks bounce.
In normal life I am an intelligent woman. I have a PH.D. and teach at the university. I, too, was a single parent for years. But this diesease is progressive and subtle and I am talking about codependency. I have become very codepent. My husband is currently in rehab working to understand that regain control over his addiction. I also have to work hard to regain control over mine. I have to learn to say no. I have to learn to be independent again. I have this sinking feeling if I were to leave now (and I almost did) I would not be better and therefore I would end up in the same situation only there would be new faces involved.
So, for that reason, I have to stay until I am not running. I feel that I need to fight for my life back. If I cannot tell this man that I have loved and been married to for nearly 13 years that I am a big girl and mean it, I have a feeling that I become a magnet for the next control freak of needy man. That is why I have to work on me. I have to become the woman that I present to the rest of the world. When I am honest with myself, and I try to be these days, I find that I was codependent before I met my husband. I have been attracted to needy men all of my life. I have been in relationships with alcoholics or children of Alcoholics always. And yet, I come from a non-addict home (but my father is an adult child of an alcoholic). If I don't fix me, I just complicate the situation.
And, my dear Grandma Pat, I would ask you the same thing. Are you the person who is drawn to needy people? If so, getting out of this relationship right now may only work to complicate an already complicated situation. Maybe the 6 months is the time it would take to have enough growth to ensure that you won't fall into the same patterns with someone else. I know that is true of me. I need time to make sure that I am not running from the smoke into the fire.
My take on the 6 month wait is that Alanon believes by working the steps we can find our way to happiness and serenity with or without the alcoholic. Waiting 6 months gives you the opportunity to start working on you, using the tools, and see how things change. Even though we have left the alcoholic our inner problems remain and need damage control.
Many times when we start changing the alcoholic changes too. They see us becoming stronger, more independant and we are willing to take no more crap or help them in their disease. No more excuses, no more covering for them, no more being embarrassed. We learn to detach from things they say and do and start doing what we want. We quit letting them own our happiness and become the people that HP intended us to be. I believe if you should want to leave after 6 months HP will open doors and opportunity for you to do so. Because you are seeing closed doors now does not mean you should never leave. Perhaps HP wants you to have more program under your belt so you can be solid, stronger and who you want to be when the time comes.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You guys are amazing. I am so lucky to have found all of you. Thanks for the great insights into the problems of an over the hill new comer. Be good to yourselves and have a great weekend. Pat
I just want to share one thing, from my own experience. I used to go to enormous lengths to not get him mad - he would just hint that he wanted something done a certain way and I would jump to it, walking on eggshells all the time. The trouble was, even if I did everything "right", he would still be mad half the time - at nothing, if that's all there was. I could have done everything my own way, and probably would have gotten yelled at about the same amount. I just so seldom had the courage. The few times I did stand up to him, usually about the kids, he was actually less of a jerk about it than when I cowered and cringed. It makes me wonder, all these years later, if maybe he bullied me so much because I LET him. If I had stood up for myself more often, maybe things never would have gotten so bad, or, maybe, I would have stood up and walked out the door....
No point in going over the past, but - if he's gonna be mad at you anyway, maybe it's better that he has a reason? Do what YOU want, instead of what HE wants, on a small thing, and see how it goes. After all, nothing changes if nothing changes.
