The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I blamed the A's in my life for whatever "I" was feeling that day. If he wouldnt have done this or that, I wouldnt be feeling this way today etc. If my sadness/worry/anger would flare up it would be due to his actions. I would isolate from friends and family, I would sit at home and cry, sink into that dark hole, and let the committee of a$$holes overwhlem my mind, time and time again. I would seek him out either at the bar or at a friends and become a raging lunatic, blaming one and all for my unhappiness for them enabling my husband the A. Was this sane? Absolutely not. Looking at the clock tick by into the wee hours of the night, watching out the window for his arrival, and not getting any sleep, and going to work the next day with only a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep. Did I blame him? Yes!
Alanon has shown me that I have choices. I dont have to let anyone affect my mood or make me feel a certain way. I dont have to accept unacceptable behaviour, and how I handle the situation is my own doing. I cannot blame anyone else but myself for my own circumstances. Accepting that alcoholism is a "disease" is still one of the hardest things to swallow for me. Diabetes/cancer in my mind is a disease, and I surely cannot blame a person for that! Yet the statistics say that alcoholism is also considered a disease, so why would I blame the alcoholic? Is blaming others for my reactions/actions an escape goat or excuse for my feeling this way? I truly have to look at myself for the answers..................................
{{{gardengal}}} i also had a hard time accepting that alcoholism is a disease, because it seems more like a lifestyle choice!! so does smoking. i mean, they don't sell insulin in interesting packages, they don't have fascinating ads for it on tv, do they?! you need insulin, so you go to a doctor and get it.
then i studied up on it and learned that the "addictive personality" is the disease, and alcoholism is just one of the sub-diseases leading from it. like, some addicts are cross-addicts, to both drugs and alcohol. many are also addicted to nicotene and caffeine (check out any AA meeting *lol*). why do some people get addicted to these substances so easily, and other people either don't get started or can quit easily? from what i understand, it's the addictive personality, which is a genetic thing. science says you're born with potential to be an addict, or you aren't. so it's a disease just like depression, or anxiety disorders.
anyway, now i think of the HP as the good medicine my spirit needs, and my A has his own good medicine he needs for his disease. just like i need my glucophage for type 2 diabetes. no shame in it.
I can releate to what you are saying. When I first started Alanon, from where I am now and where I was then is so different. Granted I have a long way to go but I have seen the change in me. I used to be the one staying up or the one that would worry everyday is today the day I get the call that says he has hurt someone or has been hurt. Now I know not my problem, I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it, that is what he has to face. The only person I can fix is me. Somedays I find myself looking back on past behaviors. WOW, to be honest my mom thought she was going to have to commit me because I was really losing it. So when I expressed my desire to start Alanon she and my father were behind me 100%. For me I know no one can tell me how to feel. But I was so lost and confused its hard to know what your feeling when everything around you is dark and there is no tunnel insite let alone the light at the end of it. It is hard to describe what I felt (ok was going to type a list but lets just say any negative feeling about life and myself I had). Now I know that I am in a much happier place, I am learning to take what people say with a grain of salt. Because in the end, I know who I am down deep and who I want to become in the end with the help of my HP I will get there even if I do stumble from time to time my HP will be there to help me back up again and start again.
Thanks for your clarity. I am working on myself and not blaming. I do struggle with the disease of alcoholism and sobriety. He has been sober for over 20 years. In sobriety he gets worse and worse and harder to get along with. At times I don't even recognize him after thirty years of marriage. Difficult at best. But I have done my own damage too.
Yes, I spent many of those nights looking out the window, too. As if me being there at the window would bring him home sooner! I could have spent that time playing with the kids, reading, sleeping, watching old movies - living my life, and leaving him to live or not live his.
Actually, looking back, I chose sanity about half the time, which is something to be thankful for, I guess. At least sometimes, I DID spend that time doing something pleasant and sane, and I'm grateful for every time I made that choice. I think that one reason our kids are doing fairly well, considering what life was sometimes like when they were younger, is because both of us (yes, him too) tried not to let our diseases colour every aspect of their lives. We didn't always succeed, but we did sometimes.
gosh, this is exactly where i've been stuck. blaming others for my anger and unhappiness. i know better, intellectually. and i am better than i used to be in many ways. but the feeling is still right there. i want to feel better and be healthier. i know i do. i'm having a hard time letting myself be happy and let go. there is a voice in my head that tells me not to be happy, it's not right. do i want to be happy or do i want to be right? lol. this was a great post. thank you. helps me to see myself more clearly....
