emotional hostages? - Al-Anon Family Group

purpleraven · Veteran Member

emotional hostages?

BlueCloud · Senior Member

PurpleRaven,

I really resonated to your post and felt motivated to respond.

I am not sure what 'emotional-hostage taker' means and I think perhaps it doesn't really matter what it means. Why do I say that? In my own experience (and your experience may be different), in my last relationship my now ex, used to level a hefty accusation at me whenever we had a disagreement. These accusations often were emotionally-loaded statements and not realizing what was happening I would start arguing/reacting/defending against the accusation. Whether my ex did this intentionally or not I am not sure, but I do know that these accusations very effectively derailed the original conversation, often leading to a very unproductive conversation that went absolutely no-where. The kinds of accusations my ex leveled at me: you just want me to be your twin, you're not who I thought you were, etc. These statements really undid me, and I would find myself groveling and apologizing, trying to get the "bottom" of what my ex meant. Unfortunately, the nature of these kinds of emotionally loaded statements was that they are really vague, not really proveable, or tied to specific behavior so I would do a TON of work to figure out what my ex meant. Moreover, by leveling these accusations, my partner very effectively shifted the focus off herself. In the process, of trying to figure out the 'meaning', I would lose all of my serenity, and any focus on myself. I was severely reactive to these statements.

Now, that I am in Alanon, if I were faced with this kind of situation, I would work hard to decrease my reactivity to these statements by doing the following: I would take a break from the conversation, I would write the accusation down, and I would think for myself--Is this really true of me? I would list possible reasons why this might be true and I would also argue against the statement. Then, I would make up my own mind of whether I was really an 'emotional hostage taker'. I would also limit how much time I spent doing this exercise (15-20 minutes tops). I would do this exercise FOR ME so that I could be grounded in my own reality not so I could resolve this problem for my partner. Then, I would use the slogan: If it doesn't have your name on it, don't pick it up," whenever an accusation came up. I would keep my responses to accusations minimal..."That may be true, however, I want to get back to the original conversation..." I have had to realize for myself that I have a tendency to take WAAAAY to much responsibility for trying to figure out these statements and trying to resolve this issue for my partner. If my partner needs something from me, they need to take responsibility for asking for what they want me to do/not do, not level accusations. However, whether my partner ever 'gets' that they need to take a new approach is not on me to figure out or even suggest. My responsibility, I have realized, is to protect my own serenity.

TWYLALR

BlueCloud

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Raven--your question set me to some googling and I had some time to learn about myself as well as how to give some insight into your situation as well! I think you're correct in your assesment that your husband is really speaking about himself, but from what I can gather from this website, it doesn't sound at all like "emotional hostage taking" :

http://www.abandonment.net/therapist.html

So I googled what it DID sound like--from him it rings of "emotional blackmail." And voila'! It sounds like your situation, and like our situtions consistently. But, again, take what you like and leave the rest:

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Tiger2006 for looking that up. Reading this on the website really spoke to me about what is happening in my home as well. When I hear emotional hostage I think about someone who wants to express emotion but can't or someone is prevented from expressing emotion. Emotional blackmail sounds more fitting to what I'm going through. As I heal and get healthier he seems to try harder to sabotage or manipulate me to do what he wants.

One Day At A Time,

Twinmom~

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

my ex ah and i did lots of councling. and so he would come at me with terms he heard the therapist use. he would say things like "emotional hostage" and "don't project your feelings onto me". but he was just repeating things he heard knowing that it would make me think that it was all me. when i finally realized that i was trying my hardest to have a healthy relationship with a very sick person i stopped taking what he was throwing at me. when he would use a term he heard on "oprah" in my mind i would think he said something that was complete nonsense. like "emotional hostage" would turn into "flying unicorns" or something equally as silly in my mind. that was how i let it slide and didn't take it on. he like the buzz words and phrases. he just didn't like putting the help we got from therapy into effect.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I called it emotional terrorism. My AHsober has a wall up and shows no emotions. I am an emotional fountain I think doing the emotional work of two. This disease is very sneaky. When you said that you tried detachment and it didn't really work, I thought of what I felt I had to do with my H. I still choose my words very carefully, using "I messages" instead of "you messages". And he jumps on that one word that I uttered that was not thought out very carefully. I think that we just have to realize who we are talking too - the disease. I like your approach of being straightforward and honest. I agree with BlueCloud in that it appears that we are part of the game and we don't know the rules. I would question my H over and over again and say what do you really mean. He would give blanket answers I think to cover up the real him. He's favorites are I don't know and I don't remember. Jeez, I fall for it every time.

In support,

Nancy

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Purpleraven))))))))))))),

To me an "emotional hostage" is when someone says things like this: "If you really loved me, you'd stay. If you loved me, you'd stop drinking. If x happens, then Y will happen." It's playing games with someone to get what they want. They hit you with something that they know will get to you, and use it to their advantage. Hope this helps.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

purpleraven · Veteran Member

Karilynn, yeah, that's what i was thinking an "emotional hostage" taker would really act like! i take my inventory when i journal, so i know for sure i'm not doing that kind of thing. (it rings so familiar though, i went through it with several ex's.)

nmike, you said, "I think that we just have to realize who we are talking too - the disease." i'm jotting that down in my journal, it's something i really need to remember.

serendipity ... my A is a former drug and alcohol counslor, actually! he's been clean & sober for a long time, and worked helping others for a long time. i notice he tends to throw out psychological/counseling "buzzwords" as a defense. i'd never heard of emotional hostage-taking before in my therapy, or previous marriage counseling. i'm guessing he got the term from his training.

Tiger2006, wow, thank you for posting those web links!! the 2nd one really is packed with information. i found only a few things pertaining to my A, but i found a LOT describing my ex-husband (the one i'm in custody battles with now, the one who was violent). that site will help me deal with a lot of the divorce issues, i think. cool site!! great Googling :D

BlueCloud ... i can't say enough to thank you for your response. i mean, your words resonated with me as well. when i read your words, "That may be true, however, I want to get back to the original conversation..." a lightbulb went off!

that is such a calm and direct way of not allowing myself to be derailed, i really like it! will have to remember to try it next time we have a tough talk.

thanks, you guys, i really appreciate being able to work through my thoughts with y'all. it is SO nice to have online "meetings" to come to! no local meetings yet (they're listed, but no one shows up). there is so much support and encouragement here. awww, now i'm gonna get a warm fuzzy *lol* {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

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