The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to share a little excerp from CTC today.
"Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving. Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within".
The passage discusses that before program the person tried to change others to suit their needs. The other person was always the problem if those needs were not met.
I have looked to my A to meet my needs on countless occassions. Those needs were needs that I needed to be meeting on my own any way, but I was under the assumption that somehow being in a relationship would fill all the holes and gaps of emptiness within me. Not true not even if the person isn't an A. I am learning now to give attention to my needs and emotions because even as a child I was told not feel that way, stop crying, and forced to conform to what my parents felt was appropriate behavior. I'm not faulting them, my parents were loving and did the best they could with what they had. I can say that now today. I'm doing the best I can as a parent with the tools I have and I'm being led to learn new ways of allowing my children to have their emotions and instead of suppressing it deal with it and move on.
My A right now and had always been a person who blames the other person for his unhappiness. I am realizing that he has to meet his own needs and allow me and other people to be who they are. If I don't do something to his liking that's not my problem, the same is true if he doesn't do something to my standards or liking I cannot berate him or chastize him for it. His recovery is a good example to me. I can see he is not giving any attention to his recovery he rejects the 12 steps and essentially rejecting any possibility of spiritual and emotional growth. That is his choice, but I no longer have to feel like me and the kids need to stay in the pits with him. We can rise above his negative attitude and choose to be happy with our lives and do things that bring us happiness and joy. Eventually I will have to make my decision if I want him around us anymore and that decision time is coming closer and closer. I don't have to make it now and that is comforting. My healing is most important to me and I can see now that he is uncomfortable with my healing. It mirrors to him what he's not doing in his life. Its not my problem, its freeing to me to come to that understanding and fitting for me that CTC today is just about this very topic.
Hope everyone has a great day.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
That is a great post. There are a number of things I have "learned" but haven't learned to "practice" yet. This is high on the list. I catch myself trying to do it often. Sometimes early enough to stop, but not always. ;)
Thanks for posting that!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I used to look to my AH to fill all my needs as well.Then I got mad when he didn't.He can't.No one can but me and my HP.
It's also kinda freeing to not have to wait around for someone else to give you what you need,isn't it?AND,the pressure is off me to have to try to fill all HIS needs.
