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Its sad, but true. I'm still trying to control everything he does. I had an eye opener last night, he had to say it to my face. Last 4 days was hell for him. Every phone call i asked him, where are you, who you with, what time you will be at home etc. I had no idea i was doing that. Than another call, telling me he is going away with lads for golf (4 days) and i freaked. I see now what i'm doing, but i can't help it. He cheated, i couldnt trust him, so i control. He is in recovery ( 4 months+) and i cant let it go of it. It still hurts, and i know when he go on his little trip, i'll be in bits. My head will go 100 miles/hour, who is he talking to, any pretty girls.....blah blah blah
Hate this. I know he loves me and i love him. I have to get over it!!!
How do you relax when HE goes away without you - even he is not drinking anymore?
What I have learned here at the Board is to honor your feelings. They are real. What we do with them is another story. And in recovery we will make mistakes, lots of them, but at least we are aware of our shortcomings.
My situation is a little different from yours with some similarities. My AHsober moved out a year ago. I use to watch him, see who he was talking to, quiz him, and try to control him in really subtle ways. But I did include him in my activities. My friends were his friends; my sports were his sports. He will be playing golf this weekend. I have never met his friends. I know they will have a bbq Sat night and he won't invite me. He won't golf with me. I know he will having engaging conversations with other women because they validate him. He says he doesn't care about me and what I do but he does the same things just in a different way. It does hurt. He does have a right to live his life the way he chooses. Although he is sober he chooses addictions like TV, computer games, etc. I have to work daily to mentally leave him alone and live my life. Not easy but I am making progress. I am going away this weekend to a friends house. And I intend on having fun and doing something nice for myself.
it must be hard to let him go. I'm sorry you are not involved in his new sober life.
My a has new friends too, we are actually going away tomorrow and im going to meet them. They are all from aa, mostly woman. He is not hiding anything from me, just feels i always want to know everything he is doing. I'm happy for his new friends, just feel left out lots of times. I am saying to myself - get a life girl! He is constantly on the phone to them, trying to help and forgeting about his recovery. He is very tired every night from focusing on other people. I'm afraid he will start slipping if he is not taking care of himself. He is very careful about everything, just dont have time for HIM. I'm glad he is going away with guys, but they are all drinkers. Ist kind of test for him. He will hire a car, just for incase he have to leave the restaurant and feels he needs to get away from them. I adore him and love him, i have to give him the space and some freedom, but it will kill me. God i need some brain wash so i wont have these horrible thoughts in my head.
The first time hubby went to see his family, it was hard for me. I still don't trust the disease, but I am learning to trust him. I stayed busy that weekend. Luckily I had to work, but when I came home, I took care of me. I did things for me, that I haven't done in ages. I indulged in a long, hot bath. Made my favorite foods (he's on a low carb diet), and listened to my jazz. I turned him over to his HP. Now when he goes away either on an intervention or to see his family, I look upon that time as a "Just for me" time. Take the focus of worrying about him, and use it to be extra good to you. Make it a "Daisy weekend."
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time with this. I completely understand the "trust" issue with the infidelity. Been there.
I am working on the total opposite problem you are having. My AW won't go anywhere that I don't go and has a coronnary if I do anything without her.
If I take your story and mine and hold them up together what I can see is that this disease "distorts" our ability to lead normal lives. Ones built on trust and healthy understanding of each others needs.
I am not trying to judge you or say your feelings are not valid. I know they are. It's just that you are likely not the bitch you think you are.... just that neither of us are done with our recovery. Not sure we ever get done.
"... he is going to _______ or he won't, what are you going to do?" I hope you can find something just for you to do while he is gone. Worrying over it and judging yourself harshly for a long weekend just doesn't sound like fun. I hope some day I can let go too.
Take care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I too have been there--it is a terrible place to be. I keep thinking that I "should" be able to let go of the mistrust but, the truth is, I am human (and so are you)!! I have been lied to and decieved by the person that I love most in the world. It is going to take time--maybe a lot of time--to completely rebuild that trust. I am not there yet and he's been sober 16 months.
One thing that has helped me is that the more I understand about the disease, the more I accept that the person who did all those things was NOT the person I love--it was a stranger who didn't care about me because he didn't care about himself. Heck, he didn't care about anything. So, I try to be patient with myself and let myself off the hook. If I can't expect him to be perfect, then why do I still expect it of myself!!
Hang in there, it gets better as you get better. In my experience, the more I focus on me and my own recovery, the easier it is to detach and relate to this new person with a healthy skepticism. I do not trust him like I did before, but I have come to realize that that is probably a good thing. I do not want to (and refuse to) go back to living in denial. So, I try to find my voice and tell him when I am uncomfortable or "triggered" and then let it go. I can't control his actions any more than I could control his drinking. If he choses to deceive me again, it will be his loss because my eyes are wide open and by the grace of Al-Anon and working the steps, I have "remembered" that I have more worth than that!! Have a great day!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I see all of you been there at some point. Im just trying to protect myself from hurt, i dont want to feel it ever again. The horrible place is gone, but so close. I let it go what happened in past, but left scars and they wont heal so easy. I want to talk to him about it, but he is focusing on his recovery, he wont understand my fear. He just think i should trust him by now. Hm, will we ever? Hope so. Im as raw as he is. I do want to talk to him, but i dont think we get anywhere. I'll talk to my mum instead She is wise woman, always here for me. She thinks im nuts to even be jealous, and she is right. The only person who is going to have crap weekend is me.
We are going away for 2 weeks in november to Maldives, i have to keep that in my head and look forward to it, keep the focus on something else.
In my experience, feelings are generally based in experience . What I'm hearing is someone that has gotten hurt--deeply--and is still suffering a level of selfishness from someone she loves--deeply.
I wouldn't beat myself up. I would realize I was hurting.
I would also ask for certain things--"Please call me with when you think you'll be home after your meeting."
Given his history of infedelity, I think it's completely rational that you want to know who he's with where.
I'm proud of you for being honest with yourself and us.
Thank you for sharing your honest feelings with us. I agree with what everyone has posted so far. Just wanted to send out some good thoughts to you. I have been where you are recently and still going through a healing process myself. One thing I'm learning is loving detachment. I can choose to stew and brew about where he is and what he's doing and it causes me so much anxiety and discomfort. That type of thinking will literally incapcitate me to where I all I do is sit in front of the television or just zone out in thought. Not good... My sponser lovingly reminds me that if he wants to relapse or cheat he'll do it regardless of whether he's with me or not. I can choose to validate my uncomfortable feelings and I share it with him just to let him know where I'm at. He can accept those feelings or not, its o.k. I know it will be hard doing something out of the norm, but if you can validate your feelings and do something relaxing and fun for you. Give it to HP, both of you will be taken care of.
ODAT,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
i know it would be good to talk to him about my feeling, but i think i would bring some tention between us. He is trying really hard to make thinks better and i might be just insecure. its very sensitive subject. I have to pick to right moment to share this with him. I dont want him to freak out, have to be in loving conversation. I do want him to have a good time playing golf with lads, but my feeling are important too. i will sit on it for a while and see how i feel in a couple of days. I will let you know.
I have been dealing with this by just letting go - realizing that I really do NOT have control over him. He could cheat on me any time he wanted, if he wanted to. I don't know that he is really going to work, going to meetings, checking out the garage sales... I either have to trust him, or leave him, or accept that it is not in my hands.
Now I try to focus on how he treats me, not what he may or may not be doing when he is away. Is he loving, is he respectful, is he fun and nice to be around? Then I am happy with him. What he does when he is not here is none of my business, really. Instead, I try to focus on - am I loving, resepectful, fun and nice to be around? It's MY behaviour I have control over, after all.
She is wise woman, always here for me. She thinks im nuts to even be jealous, and she is right. The only person who is going to have crap weekend is me.