I am really trying to stay on the right path to recovery.  Being able to objectively reread an online journal over the weekend I had from back in Novemeber of 2004 has been a huge step in my recovery. I was able to recognize a pattern between my A and myself.  The arguments, him telling me he wanted a divorce, me leaving to only return a couple of months later.  Insanity!!!  Because of the abandonment issues and low self-esteem I was putting up with unacceptable behavior.  Now I am no longer willing to put up with unacceptable behavior.  I'm not all those nasty names my husband called me.  I am more willing to forgive myself for sometimes lashing out at my A husband during those arguments because none of us are perfect.  I know now that I can't sporatically go to Alanon meetings and pick up bits and pieces here and there and go home and try to apply them to my life.  It's like trying to put a bike together without all the instructions, something is going to be missing.  There were times that I would only attend an Alanon meeting if I were going thru a crisis.  My husband and I would have an argument and he would tell me he wanted a divorce.  This would send me running and screaming to the doors of Alanon expecting them to show me how to save my marriage. lol.  Now I feel that I have finally been able to Let Go and Let God.  After all, what I was doing was obviously not helping.  I can remember when I first joined Alanon I would get frustrated when I was told to take the focus off of the alcoholic and put the focus on me.  I would think how in the hell could I put the focus on me when he was the one causing all the chaos.  I know how important that is now.  I am beginning to understand that because of my sickness, over time, I had stopped going places and doing things.  I had stopped having friends over for fear of embarrassment or going and doing things with friends for fear of what the alcoholic was doing.  I had lost myself in the alcoholic.  I spent so much time wondering what the alcoholic was or was not doing.  I was always trying to keep peace in hopes that my A husband would not get upset and "go off".  What I was not realizing was that by doing this I was only getting sicker.  Putting the focus back on me is what is going to Save Me.  I am the only one that can Save Me.

To finally be able to give my husband and our marriage over to God has been such a relief.  I don't know what the outcome will be but I do know whatever it is it will be God's will and not mine.

Thanks for letting me share.

Julie