The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since I can remember my father's Asim has made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I totally understand why. I did not know it was a disease. Today I have compassion for him. He passed away in 1986.
Why do I still feel ashamed of having an A son? I understand it is a disease, I have compassion for him but I have always felt like it is a reflection of me somehow. Or...do I feel that other people (non-A's) see it as a reflection of something I did or didn't do. How do I ever get passed it? My own sister, who grew up in the same A family I did, questions why A son would let this happen after seeing what it did to his A father's life. She just doesn't get it. How do I expect a person without Aism in their family to get it?
Does anyone else keep carrying the shame on from childhood?
i think most of the shame i feel about my family is in the present. my mother is a horder and her a boyfriend is also. so, once or twice a year the "clean and organize" which means they pull out everything from the overstuffed, can't even walk into,smelly gargage. they spred it all over the driveway, yell at me that i won't take some of it--to use mind you--i'd take it and toss it but then they'd get extra mad that i didn't have it when they ask for it back in a month or two. then they get a couple blue tarps, tarp it over for about a week or two then put it all back in the garage. i laugh at them about it and her a boyfriend kinda sees the obsurity but my mom thinks i'm the insane one and what they do actually accomplishes something other than pissing off the neighbors and embarassing me. on a good day i let it go, i know i have no control over her and her illness that she refuses to deal with. on a bad day i just want to call a trash removal company and just get rid of the junk. and it's not a case of one person's junk is another's treasure. she keeps mc donald's cups, the paper ones, nothing unusual or plastic. the a boyfriend goes thru other people's garbage and brings home take out boxes and small bits of pencils. things that are just un-usable and gross.
my ex ah is also a sourse of embarassment. but i realize that it's all me. other people do judge me based on what he does, and on my crazy mother. it's true. people who don't understand, judge. i know because i used to judge others based on the people around them. all i can do is keep my side of the street clean, live my life so that i can be comfortable and proud of myself and when it comes up i explain that it's a disease. that is what i believe, that is my conviction and when it comes up in conversation with people who are not in the program i do my best to educate them as to what it is like for us.....the family and friends of an alcoholic and what i have heard it is like for the a.
i have to keep my chin up and do things differently and keep reminding myself that i have nothing to be ashamed about unless it's something i did wrong. having a hard time keeping the focus on myself lately but that seems to help too. comming here and listening and sharing....
I think shame is just a part of being an ACOA. It is built into the disease. Maybe you can give your sister some Al-Anon literature. Explain the 3 C's...you did not cause it...you cannot control or cure it. Most people just do not understand.
In the C 2 C it says shame is distorted thinking. Today I will love myself enough to recognise that shame is an error in judgement. I always try to treat myself as I would treat another in the same situation. What would you say to me about being ashamed of my father, brother and sisters who are all A's?
Shame and embarrassment is the double whammy of mothers who have children who have problems. Most mothers I know take full credit for all the "failures" of their children, but when they have "successes" I don't hear them brag. When your child has a disease like aism, no one understands that unless they, too, have experience. In our culture, mothers are made to feel total responsibility for the failures and successes, for the health and welfare, for the happiness and sadness of their children. No one, I repeat NO ONE, can live up to that standard and stay sane. I know exactly what you feel. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by the drinking problems of my child and the subsequent break-up of his marriage that the only people who know about it through me are those who read this website. For weeks I couldn't even post it anonymously. People whom I consider good friends and especially my family do not know about this. My plan is to just keep on like this. I have no desire to share with anyone and so carry the burden myself. Now I know this sounds insane....certainly my son and his ex have shared their versions of the same story with lots of people. Doesn't matter...I don't know those people and if they are neighbors, I just don't look their way. I know to expect some ESH about this, but I am being truthful. I wish you didn't feel shamed, Gailey, but I understand why you do. Even IF you can accept all the disease and all the C 3 C philosophies, the bare bones of it still come back. You are the mother and what did you do to have this happen???? And the question is can a mother ever get past this?
