The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i guess my ex called ,drunk, sunday at 2:30am. i didn't hear the phone thankfully but he left a message. my 7 yr old checked the messages today and we heard him, so completly wasted. she didn't recognize his voice, she thought it was sylvester stalone.....i wish! lol! it was suprising to me. our relationship did not involve alcohol, as funny as that sounds. he is a crack addict and has just recently, in his infinite wisdom, decided that alcohol is a much better addiction. he sounded just exactly like my a uncle. he just kept saying that this is why he didn't call me,this is why. so, he was going to try my other number. crazy.
he had used my cell to call around for a ride earlier in the day and my disease so wanted me to keep the #'s in my cell and call them and see who he was calling. but as soon as i got in my car i deleted everything in my phone's memory. that's one for me!
still, i can't seem to let go of my resentment towards his family and how they are enablng him to drink and abandon our kids. i am still waking up every morning with them in my head. i just can't figure out how to let them go. i feel no compassion for them, i just despise them, i hate them. i'm physically detatched from them, i haven't spoken to them in almost 3 years. i'm sure that they don't even think about me, much less waste their time hating me. these feelings are just not passing or getting better.
i wonder if it has to do with never blaming the a for anything. when i was growing up my a uncle did no wrong. and even today, talking to my mother she blames me for everything and includes my ex in nothing. he and i borrowed lots of money from her. she expects me to pay her back and is mad that i can't pay her everything i owe her right this minute. but i noticed that she didn't mention my ex at all. she blames me for the marriage failing, for my 3 year old's tantrum, for the parking ticket she got, for it raining today (i am not kidding).
i am not in a good space and i am angry. i am sick of these feelings, wasting my time. so, how do i let go?
Hugs...I hear the anger and frustration. I, too, have just come out of a week or so long anger phase.
Angry that my A/crack addict BF, who is now sober x 6 months has distanced himself from me for sobriety reasons. I agreed it was best but I want more time with him--sober.
Angry my Mom criticizes me for going to Al Anon. Cant remember the last time she said she loved me. It was before I got divorced.
Angry my Mom just loves my ex husband who is a gambling addict, she resents me for not sticking it out. Doesnt matter that I was in financial ruin because of his disease, etc.
Angry I am still alone after 7 years of being divorced. Feel very lonely despite my 2 wonderful boys.
Angry, angry, angry, I could go on and on.
But after much sharing with my sponsor, HP, and al anon friends, I "came to believe", after all the mind suffering...LOL ..............all of this was out of my control. I literally got down on my knees and asked my HP to please help me get to a better space with my thinking, and let me tell you.....I was beginning to feel crazy and a failure in this program!!!!!!!!!!
Try your best to detach, when I attach to negative people/situations and their feelings, I cant attach to the good around ME.
I heard someone say in an aa mtg they were instructed to pray, over and over, for those they resented, even if you dont want to ....Hard one!!! Eventually some of their resentment was lifted and there was a sense of peace.
I am so sorry you are upset. I wish I had a silver bullet for you. My Grandfather was about the only person in my family who would give me advise and the freedom to take it or not. Some people just can't seem to accept the fact that people are different and don't think like they do.
A or not, it is so common. Understanding that the rest of my family may not agree with me and it is beyond my control has helped me not take it personally. Boils down to you can't please everyone and it was their turn!
I don't know how I learned to deal with that for eveyone except my AW. For some reason over 14 years I started applying different rules to her. Maybe I knew she was sick before I understood she was sick. - I don't know.
I like the saying Tom is always throwing out.... "Your opinion of me is none of my business"
I hope you can find peace in yourself with this. It is obviously hurting you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You mention "blame" in your post, Mom blames you, you blame A's relatives. Blame is in the list of defects of character. It's excess baggage that we carry.
This is who they are. Holding on to your anger does not affect them at all, only you. Do you think for one moment they are thinking about your anger and torment? Nope.
Accepting that this is who they are, realizing they are sick and knowing there is nothing you can do about is the first step in letting go. Blame in a sense is trying to control. You or they don't act like you want them to, or they want you to, so blame and anger begin. As step one says, our lives became unmanageable because we tried to control the people and situations in our lives. We simply just can't.
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
