The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Someone touched on the disease starting from somthing more deep seated... to quote:
I don't think it is a "disease" but a chronic MENTAL problem that is very complex, deep seated, and difficult to treat.
I spent years in denial that my husband had a "drinking problem"...I truly thought he had more of a generational curse... from his family ... a slight mental problem. So his drinking was only masking the pain, and that's why for so many years I actually felt sorry for him. He started off smoking pot when we were first married, and I cried myself to sleep many nights wanting him to "grow up" and stop using. Then it turned to beer... lots and lots of beer, and that's where I am today... living with "his demons"... the ones that call me awful names, and say horrible remarks whenever he gets a chance...and then when he does come back with a few kind words... I want to forget all the ugliest and think it's going to be ok... So who's the mental case here??? Looks like and sounds like ME!!
I'm 51 and been married to an addict all my life... I don't know how to live any other way... I'm trying, really trying to FIND myself again, but I don't know if I would reckonize me if I passed me on the way... I used to tell my daughter, "things have to get worse before they get better"... I was referring to cleaning her room, you know, pulling everything out to really clean and it's a big mess, but then when you've sorted, cleaned and put things back in place...things are all better. ...Guess I didn't realize that's the very words I needed to hear myself...because my A has made it clear he is not going to quit drinking...he doesn't have a problem. So in order my for life to be any better, I'm afraid things would to have to get worse... either he pushes me to my limit, or I choose to leave.
Don't know where I am just yet... but working on getting me healthy... but, boy it sure is lonely right now. You guys have been God-sent to me ... having someone I can vent to...and reading all your messages has helped soooo much more than you'll know.
I am no doctor, but maybe it is a disease triggered by mental problems. What begins as an escape for them, turns into the disease.
My A tries to quit drinking (beer also) but when his head starts to clear, and he starts looking at his life, he cannont cope and always goes back to what helps him deal.
He is afraid of AA, "i'm not admitting my sins to anyone, it is noone's business"
he feels the same way about counceling.
He wants a magic pill to stop his desire to drink without having to deal with painful issues from his past.
He may never change, but i can.
I can try to make myself a whole person again - not let his "issues" or his drinking bring me down to where he is.
This is a safe place to work on me. Slowly, surely, i am seeing differences in me. These differences are spilling over into the rest of my family, friends, and work.
Isn't it great tho that we all help each with our honest posts? I wondered why I was so miserable. I tried to blame it on my AHsober who left. Afterall he is the alcoholic. Been with him since I was 19. I realized that I chose him and that I had chosen to stay in my marriage. He said "I am choosing my addictions". I am tired of fighting them and I am not going to change. And I still chose to have a relationship with him. But I am learning to work my program. Good luck in your quest to find yourself. You are worth it!
I am glad you are here. The debate of mental disease or not is all about how did this happen. If you search on here you will find a lot of theories about it.
I had the oportunity to take a 3 hour car trip a few weeks ago with my ASober Father. We started talking about my AW and issues we were having and he said something that really rang true.
He began having problems because his 2nd job employeer would 'bribe' him and a couple of other guys to stay late and finish projects by purchasing beer as a reward. Happened a couple of times a week.
Did that trigger him... heck I don't know. But what I took from it is, nobody wakes up one day and decides to accept this disease as a way of life.
I think there are as many reasons as there are grains of sand for why a person might drink to a point that if they are "inclined" to be a problem drinker, they will. Depression, anxiety, excessive social drinking... whatever. But some people have an adictive personality and more easily than not, get to a point where they can't control it anymore.
So IMHO it can happen to anyone, like getting the flu. But, the difference is that people with the flu want to get well. Many of our loved ones don't want to get sober. And that is where our disease begins. That's not rational, and we beg, cry, scream and they don't hear us. It drives us crazy. This program helps us recover from that sick thinking.
What brought us here didn't bring our A's with us, so they have to find their own way. That gets really frustrating to me, but .... that's my issue.
Ok... so those are my opinions. But what is starting to sink into my thick skull is that we are not really here to figure them out. I think a certain amount of reasearch into why helps me not take it so personally. It's the same theory as going to an open AA meeting.
I hope you stick around and continue to post. There are some wonderful people here and that includes you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm glad you are here sharing your feelings with us. I can relate and identify with what you are going through with verbal berating and emotional abuse. My sponsor lovingly reassures me that its not about me even though my A will say that it is. Since working this program I am getting healthier and gaining the strength and courage to make some hard choices of whether to stay or leave as well. I agree with rtexas I don't believe that anyone wakes up one day and says well I'm an alcoholic and I'm o.k. with that. I think once a person gets to the point in their life and admits they are an alcoholic by that time so much damage to themselves and others has occurred they would do anything to stop the insanity. My A appears to have accepted he is an A but wants nothing to do with program. He is fighting the healing tooth and nail, don't know why a person would choose to stay depressed, miserable, and constantly setting himself up for failure. I do believe that he will be hit over the head one day with HP cast iron pot and a huge wake up call will happen. He bitches and complains at me all the time that I'm unhealthy and negative but really I've learned just recently that its him that's unhealthy and negative.
I have bought into his apologies and nice words too, I'm not so sure they mean anything though. If his lips are moving chances are he's lying to himself and me. So I am learning to take everything he says with a grain assault. I just keep living one day at a time and gaining more energy and strength. Some days are bad, but that is to be expected. We live with A's who are unpredictable and anything can happen. Take care of you, give yourself the time to do things you really like. He will keep doing what he's doing eventually you will feel better and healthy and start changing how you deal with him. He will either accept it or not, not your problem.
Keep coming back, you will get the love and support you need to go through this. It is worth it.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
