The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everybody. I havn't been on in a bit. Illness had a way of stealing away my energy levels and extra stress this year hasn't helped!
Living with alcoholics my entire life does take its toll on us. Well... at least it has on me. So glad I am that I have such wonderful friends in our awesome program to learn from and to know that I am never alone when dealing with the impact this disease has on our lives.
After losing one son at a young age, then somehow with much gratitude have been able to see my three daughters grow into lovely young women. Also having much gratitude that they can and will come to me for motherly advice on issues in their lives and they don't feel they have to hide anything that stumps them in their journey. Yes, they do have issues and there is sadness mixed in with the joy especially in dealing with their hurt and pain from their AF and how they are learning that some of their decisions are based on those feelings.
My extra stress since spring has come from my 13 year old son. The disease is already taking affect in his life and his choices. He has admitted to using pot and doing some drinking. He is also charged with a second degree felony (another one of the affects of this choice of fun). My hope, of course, is that he will be able to see the consequences of his choices and use those to head in a better direction. What is tough for me, if I can explain it right, is keeping from being "controlling" yet loving at the same time. I've had to toughen up some of my parenting techniques and there are times I find myself repeating myself too many times. I don't want to control but to give direction and yet to set boundaries that keep me healthy. I've already told him that if he ever goes back to making those types of choices, he will be living with his father as I will not live that life myself again. Once he is old enough to make those types of choices for himself, he will be free to, but not living in my house. It can be tough, partly because I've lost one son and yet I can't help but to trust my HP in giving me the strength and courage to stand firm with this son. His trial date is October 12th. We've already gone through the pretrial process and I am truly hoping that he is taking this as serious as he needs to. He shows signs that he is, but I also know that manipulation is a big part of the disease.
This could be another one of those interesting years to grow from..... sigh
Should have my son email ya. He was the teenager from H. I tell ya.
Well actually you are doing great. I worked with teens at risk for years. Loved it. We are talking gang members etc.
My experience, have some rules, post them. Sit with your precious boy with two copies of the rules and consequences for breaking them, and consequences for following them.
I feel it hurtful to read if he blows it you will just send him away.
Works better to say, if you show me you do your homework, get at least passing grades, I will take you to ride your motocycle two week ends. or whatever. Better to do positive than negative.
They are so confused, don't know who they are where they belong, skater? prep? gothic? what what???
Then they come home and it needs to be as simple and clear and routine as possible. He needs to know things are ok there.
and he needs to know YOU love him and YOU are strong. No matter what he can depend on you. You don't change, he has enough changing in his body and his mind. He needs you to be ok and the same.
If he gripes when you hug him, hug him anyway. If he says I hate you, you say, OHHHHH you hate me, means ya love me. Do not take things personal. He needs you to know the real boy inside him. The scared little boy being pushed to grow up.
Take him to get ice cream. Take him on hikes. If he does not want to go too bad, he is going with ya.
lol I took my son and daughter camping on his birthday. Well he was being such a butthead. Was playing in the mud doing something. I said come have some cake! He acted all teenagery. finally he comes and says some crappy thing, so i thru his cake at him.
lol lol well of course I felt awful but geez I was a widow raising two kids since they were little. took them to the beach, camping hiking, swimming. we went all over during their lives. he had a motorcycle even.
Well not very long ago he was telling me how cool I was not to take his crap, hey remember when you thru my birthday cake at me? lol He is 30 now. He liked that I did not take his crap. He said it made him respect me. Hey at the time it sure did not seem like it.
Its hard when we gotta be tough when we want to be nice. But nice does not work.
He will know, if he does not come home by ten, well guess what he loses whatever priviledge you set up. or if he does come home by ten, he gets to go out again and he may get permission to stay longer.
One very very important rule was he had to call me when he was gone. always. Even when he ran away he did...sigh. in fact he has called me up to now to tell me where he is. lol
my daughter too. but as you know, they are hard in a different way...
anyway this is too long. I betcha you are doing great. and I'll tell ya, the best thing I ever did, when he got into drugs, I got his butt taken to survival school for 3 weeks. It is a great one, I really looked into it. He had to back pack in the cold, make his own meals, put up his own shelter, no cussing, no complaining.
they also have to do a solo for 3 days.
It sure made him appreciate his wants. They only had their needs. That is a biggy too. teach them to separate their wants from needs. It will help them forever.
My boy, man even used his survival adventure on his resume. He is very proud of it. cilla he to this day can survive, he back packs and fishes and hikes and goes into caves and all kinds of stuff. plays guitar and native drums.
If you support their passions, that helps too. I sent mac on a fishing boat in the ocean, when he was about 12. He is now a certified scuba diver!
I know you can do it. I am actually excited for you and him. Sending you oodles of love,debilyn
i got an e-mail from a friend of mine not so long back... it was a story about a mother who cudn't communicate with her son.. he was taking the wrong pathways in life and she cudn't save him.. she did the following
she wrote a letter entitled "To Read When Your Alone"
in this letter she wrote about how she felt when she was pregnant with her son.. how she felt when she held her baby for the 1st time.. how much she loved him, how..no matter what trouble he gets in to or how depressed and low he feels, that he will always have her... coz she's his mother and she loves him more than life itself. no matter how much he is hurting or how mixed up he makes things or the choices he makes however painful it is for her to watch him suffer and she will always love him...unconditionally and always will... and how proud he makes her when he does all the positive things in life... that was the jist of the letter...
she placed it under her sons pillow in his bedroom and said NOTHING.
the day after putting the letter there... she found a note on the kitchen table when her son was gone to school saying "thanks mom... i love you too..i may not always show it but remember that i do"
every now and then his mom checked under the pillow and the letter was still there... wrinkled an re read over and over again....
