The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I am a broken record about this, but I also know the more we talk and get it out, the sooner we heal.
Was in town getting feed, (what else, not like I am out getting nails done or a massage...)and when I am in the store, driving there, I feel alone. Just a bit back I was ok again with the aloneness and it was normal.
Just a few words from A a bit of hope, feeling loved by him, now makes it so hard again to be so alone.
I felt wanted and needed. I was someones other half again. Now I am walking around with half my heart bleeding and he is walking around trying to ignore his.
Thinking how insane it is, how what he says, no matter what, it does not matter. He lived in garages for petes sake. But cannnot come here and allow me to put up a place for him or even stay in the big den and have a private bath and door out.
What is so different about me that he cannot do that? How come he would live at him moms and at his now dead friends moms in her garage, and then stay at this old friends place, but not be able to be around me?
I know I represent wholeness, health, honesty, I won't have drugs here. That is the difference isn't it?
He cannot be with me unless he is totally not with his addiction, like he was in jail.
that is what he meant huh? He said I thought i could do it. I thought I wanted it. Now says I cannot change.
Ok so don't change but why can't he be like other A's and see me once in awhile. Is he that ashamed?
all I know is I feel like poop. Not a bitch anymore, now today I am sad and woke in tears. Just feel like a short lady, who told him she cannot be kicked in the gut anymore.
dreaming about someone who says they love me then they hurt me and don't. every frigging night.
it is not a nice feeling. I don't think I have felt like that before. i mean usually ya get some fore warning. you can tell when someone is not liking ya much. But to go from one day of feeling hope and being loved and wanted and a wife, to being slugged, kicked, broken, kinda horrible.
I know I will get better. Will make sure of that.
Probably will help if I can get my iron and stuff down now. This passing out crap is a drag. YES I am taking it all now every day starting today.
I can hear my mother say, debs ya gotta take your vitamins and herbs and minerals!
Keep wondering what the h is the matter with me. I don't care if I need to go straighten up in back. I don't care that the deck needs finishing, or painting needs to be done.
so gotta face I gotta climb back out again. see how far down the pit I got before TT said it was all drama again. drama? NOOOO this is real. Yea real drama. dumby.
so patch up the heart again until it heals again.
Least I am feeling love again. For my animals and stuff.
Raini and Noah my sproutgrandbaby are coming friday!!! She is going to wash my windows...and I am going to have her help me make the piggies mud wallow bigger.
(((Deb))))am glad you posted, you were on my mind today while I was at work, I was wondering how you are.
I don't believe for one minute, Deb, that the A is ashamed of YOU, I think he is ashamed of HIMSELF. My A also does not like to be around me a lot of the time, because I am getting healthy and he is not, I believe.
Still doesn't make it hurt any less, I know. We can still work our programs, but still have hurt, feel loss, cry, scream, and throw things! We are only human. I know how it is to feel like half of me is gone, as you do. Not a good feeling. Not at all. And, truth be known, maybe the A's feel that same way too, and it is why they self-medicate themselves into oblivion. So they don't have to feel.
But it is good that your family is coming to be with you. I know they will enjoy your company! Wish I could come too!
Sounds like you are moving right along through the stages of dealing with your grief. Wouldn't it be sweet if we could just skip to understanding and acceptance and bypass the rest of those stages?
Have you ever read the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"? A very dear friend recommended it to me when I most needed it, and it really really helped me.
Let me share a poem from the book which I found helpful.
the sun will rise in a few minutes
it's been doing it ---regularly--- for as long as I can remember.
maybe I should pin my hopes on important, but often unnoticed, certainties like that,
not on such relatively trivial matters as whether you will ever love me or not
Melba Colgrove, Ph. D Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D & Peter McWilliams
David you blow me away. I have had that book since 1981 when my first husband died.
love that poem but I am here:
as the memory of your
light fades
My days grow dark.
My nights are lit with electric bulbs.I cannot sleep.
I am afraid of the dark.I am afraid that you will return, then fade again.
I am afraid you will never return.I am afraid that my next thought will be of you.
I am afraid I will run out of poems before I run out of pain.
David, still I am at anger and depression. Can't help it. gotta feel it all. I give up trying to make myself not love him. It cannot be done.
I would get a divorce, maybe be fortunate enough a man would see me and love me again, they see my A and fall apart. It would not be fair to another man.
I have done it David, two times. First one, the man died. The second one, I had to have him go. He was a very, very cool man too. But I just did not love him. He kept saying I would. I wanted to.
But saw my A and that was that. NO I did not cheat. But this is when A came to my house after I divorced, and that is when I got an R order on him and did not see him for ten years. I was celibet all that time. Then we married in 99. and you know the rest.
I know how to be alone. Will get there again. But once I am free, I hope hp will bless me with someone I can love and take care of, and share with, and he will do the same for me.
Hp knows what I need. He knows what i have been thru. has made me a better person believe it or not.
A friend of mine was talking the other day about being loving rather than being in love. I think I felt great great love for the A. I really did wish the best for him but I could not get beyond his disease and neither could he. There is no question he would have a wonderful life if he were sober but he is not and chooses not to be.
I too think of loving a lot when I am around my animals. They give me far far more than I give them in terms of nuturing and they are always changing and always loving even when life is very hard for them. There is no question for me that when the A acts out as he does all the time it is tremendously stressful on them. And I owe them as their caretaker a better life rather than one that is just supposed to get better.
I came across this poem recently quite by chance. And I think for me it pretty much sums up how I feel about al-anon I felt so incredibly lost and alone when I came here and so so ashamed and angry. These days I know I have the love, understanding, compassion and care of the people here and the people in the program world wide. That is a very powerful sense of connection and I know that like the poem suggest I carry the heart of al-anon in me and when I am alone and fearful (which I am with the A I not only have my HP with me but I also have al-anon).
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
