The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just thought I would share my feelings today. When in times of trouble I usually reach out to help someone else – but my mind is in turmoil and my heart is breaking because of the possible infidelity that I just found out about last week so I haven’t been much help here to anyone, sorry about that.
Anyway, after driving myself crazy looking at all these phone calls that have been taking place for four months between AH and this “friend” he says, and quizzing him endlessly about does he love her, etc. – going back and forth between wanting to kick his unemployed butt out because of this and having true compassion because he really is sick and he obviously found someone to be sick with. After going from hating him to hating the disease to loving him so much to being as angry as angry can be….
There is now an acceptance of this situation. Whatever happened, happened. I cannot control it, did not do anything to make it happen. Whatever happens in the future, will happen. I cannot control a thing! I hope in my heart that he does not love her and this does not break our 17 years together. I hope I can forgive him fully. I hope I can begin to feel better in my recovery and thus, he will be better eventually.
BUT, if this does not happen, I truly realize that I will be OKAY. Today is a good day. I feel kind of confused because I don’t know what to do right now, but that is okay.
I don’t have to make a decision right away. I don’t have to feel guilty because I still love him and I still have hope for his recovery. I HAVE to take charge and try to get to face to faces, and take really special care of me. I am a good person. I love wholeheartedly and unconditionally.
I feel the need for constant approval from him. I am going to change that. I need to approve of myself.
I am not looking anymore at this phone bill (and the past four months). I am letting go of the control thing and letting it be. If he continues to call her and have a relationship - so be it. I think God will let me know when to move on.
I love all of you and thanks so much for being there and all of your help.
Wow, what a powerful post. You really will be ok, won't you?
"... I don't have to feel guilty about still loving him" ... that said volumes. And you are right. There are no rules for our feelings. They just are...
I have such appreciation that everyone is here, and I am glad you feel comfortable sharing with us. You know we are pulling for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
So sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this part of such an unpredicitable disease. I had been with my AH for 21 years, but my last straw was his infidelity that he refused to turn away from. With three kids still at home at the time and not sure how I would support us I realized that my HP was telling me it was time to let my AH go. Once again, after almost 4 years later, I can look back and say that my HP understood far more than I did the depth of my AH's disease and where it was taking him. I will be forever grateful that I was able to truly "Let go and let God" in my case. My HP also understood far more than I did His ability to keep me from giving way to fear in all the newness I was facing at that time. The journey wasn't the smoothest, but who grows when things are going smooth? I truly hate this disease and can now honestly hope that ah will someday be able to grasp the freedom that our programs have to offer. Funny that he now lives in fear that his current sweetie will find her way to Al-Anon. The disease carries alot of power, but with the help of our individual HP, we can get beyond the chains that bound us to it.
I do think forgivness is a wonderful and powerful tool of our program. I know that I need to do what it takes to be as healthy as possible with the other health issues I have, and him bringing to our bed the possibility of diseases I knew it was time to stop depending on him for what he could not give me and one of those things was safety.
I feel your pain and am so glad that you have been able to share. Take care of yourself!
