The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
... also got "Blueprint For Change" to help me with the 4th step (i like Q&A format journaling). i'm not the kind of person to literally read daily affirmations on the day they say, i just pick the book C2C at random and read, if it applies to my current feelings/situation then i journal about it. anyway, the very first page i open to is January 2 ...
"Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread."
... and i just cried, cried and CRIED. i mean, the whole page is exactly what i've been going through with my A, what i've been struggling with. i met a very loving, caring and compassionate person, but then he goes through phases of being cold, distant and withdrawn. then i wonder, "was he just putting on his best face when we met? which is the real him?" C2C talks of this, and i basically have to accept that he is *both* men, if i want to love him. and i do want to love him. so, there ya go.
"Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered."
... i'm writing that down and carrying it with me!!
anyway, just wanted to say i like "Courage To Change" and love being able to read a short bit each day. i've only read about six pages and two of them have reached right into my heart. especially that one above. great book :)
I love Courage to Change also - (I love all Al-Anon & AA books) - one of my favorite pgs is 122 . .
talks about "If only ___________ would happen, then I would be happy. Many of us were tempted to answer that we would be happy if our loved ones got sober or handlied sobriety differently"
Boy, did this nail me - my AH was 6 months sober, not living in my home and we barely even spoke and I was still miserable - so my If only had happened - what now - that is when I made it to Al-Anon -
Great topic - anybody else have a favorite page in Courage to Change or any other Al-Anon books?
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I try to read every morning before starting my day. I feel this helps me to keep on the right path. Most days I don't feel I relate to the subject, but know I might need it later. (love the index)
Right now, My favorite is page 104. "If I don't know how to respond to a situation today, why not try responding with kindness?"................."The highest form of wisedom is kindness"
This is a great topic - would love to read what others have as a favorite.
..."Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered."
Thanks for sharing this and it is SO true!
I was once venting to a friend about my husband and his problems and I shared that I did not think he really loved me. He had told me once that I was just a prop in his life. When he became a college instructor he thought that getting married would make him appear more responsible and "normal" his words were "improve my status".
My friend was shocked, she said she saw it totally differently. She said that the fact that he thought marrying me improved his status meant that he thought highly of me and respected me. She then pointed out other things which made her think that way, like how my husband often brags about the things he has learned from me.
My husband expresses a lot of resentment towards me and we have experienced a lot of separations but I can tell you that when the chips are down he IS there for me 100%. He has surprised and astounded me many times how far he will go to try and make amends with me and be there for me when I need him.
After thirteen years I finally understand that a long term alcoholic seldom has the emotional depth to express love very well. They don't really understand it and my husband has difficulty feeling it to. When he says that he does not think I love him I am simply incredulous. I take a lot of ribbing from my friends on how I dote on him and practically worshipped the ground he walked upon for many years.
There is some kind of disconnect when it comes to his ability to feel and give love.
I have had to accept that many things I took as negatives were really his effort to show his love for me. I told him how controlling my first husband was and he has been careful not to make the same mistake. He went too far and I thought he was indifferent. He said he does not care if I take a job out of state, travel for my job, or whatever I want to do. I had to travel out of state for my job and I was having such a great time and was so busy I never thought to call home at all, LOL. I did not think he even really cared or noticed I was gone. After I was gone two days one morning the facilitator of the training was waiting for me as soon as I came in the door. She said that she had received a strange phone call from her daughter and that somehow my husband had tracked her down and wanted to know if I was Ok. LOL! I had not told him where I was staying or anything, although of course I told him I was going.
After two days of not hearing from me he was worried sick and went through my work notes and papers for hours until he found a name and number that he thought would know where I was. The company tracked down the facilitator and somehow called her home instead, LOL, and her daughter had called her. They were very worried, thinking that it was some sort of family emergency for my husband to make such an effort. They kept asking if everything was OK and if I needed to leave for home. I sat there cool as a cucumber saying everythign was Ok and they thought I was nuts, LOL, I couldn't admit I had been so self centered I had not called my husband at all...not even to say where I was staying in case of emergency (my mom and daughter knew of course, but my husband had not bothered to ask them assuming that I would have told HIM first and then they would hear it from him, LOL).
I finally called him and he was practically speechless with relief to hear my voice and know I was alright. I could hardly believe it.
That is when it hit home for me. He did not love me the way I wanted him too necessarily...but he loved me as much as HE could...
This is important to remember I think when dealing with our alcholics.
It speaks of slips/relapses and how it is not a reflection of me, but of the alkie/addict. And how my behavioris a reflection of me. It gives me permission to get on with my life and my happiness no matter what the A is doing.
It speaks of slips/relapses and how it is not a reflection of me, but of the alkie/addict. And how my behavioris a reflection of me. It gives me permission to get on with my life and my happiness no matter what the A is doing.
That was an awesome quote... guess that's where I am... needing to stop looking at his behavior and how it reflects him... but more importantly right now, is how my behavior is a reflection of me!!! Pretty powerful... Helps to keep me focused!
awesome, i'm so glad so many people are helped by C2C, i'm so grateful i found it through here. i'm stepping back and looking at my relationship with my A as if i'm on the outside, and he DOES do many, many loving things ... not what i've experienced before, or what i'd expect ... i'm glad i read something that woke me up, nudged me into looking at things differently.
does anyone here journal, like base your journal entry for the day on wisdom from C2C, or other books? i'm kinda a journal fanatic :)
