The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I work at night, a long hard physical job (which I am not used to) and sleep during the day. The A is self employed so sometimes he is at home when I wake up. Lately in the last few weeks I have been waking up to a strange smell in the house. I think personally it is the bitter smell of drugs being used. I have asked the A not to use drugs in the house many many times. He does from time to time. He sleeps in the bedroom on his own. I sleep in the living room because the room I have is so tiny I could not sleep in it anyways. So I have no privacy at all no room where I can shut the door and seal myself off from his acting out. Sleeping in the living room has its drawbacks. One day one of his sleazy friends had the nerve to come in and shake me away because he wanted something. I mentioned it to the A and he did not seem to think it was an issue. I did not know at the time that he was an A in my heart.
Last week I woke up to the "funny smell" and asked the A in a firm voice not to use drugs in the house. He subsequently threw me up agains the wall and pummeled me and did his usual number on trashing the house. So much for requests. He then took off in his customary manner to sulk for a day. This time I called the police and filed a report.
So now I am on plan b day and night. What do I need to do to go. And it is one long long list of stuff to get out of here. I have to detach from the A on all levels. He asks me to do stuff for him all the time and I have to find ways to just diplomatically say no. I am just going to tell him I am not up to it and I do not feel well. I am not going to involve myself in his stuff anymore. Why would I? After he hit me and crashed my car. I owe him no more. I don't want anymore part of his world it stinks like his drug use does. But I know now what I'll get if I say anything about my needs, a couple of lumps on the head...and a trashed house again. There is only his drug use.
Today I woke up and the stinky smell was there again. I said nothing this time. Why ask. He honors none of my requests. All he does is ask for more. Right now he wants more food. I say I don't have the money which is true. I don't have it to give to him anymore for him to be able to use. He can do drugs, he can buy his food.
Finally detaching from him is hard but I know what I am in store for more of the same, his awful friends who think nothing of coming in and physically shaking me awake and a stinky smell when I wake up. What is there here for me? nothing but chaos, grief, anger and more grief.
Can you get out of this situation? I fear for your safety! You owe no man! You only owe yourself serenity and peace. You deserve a better life. I know it may seem impossible but it is not. You can get out and make it on your own. I did and so have many others.
I will pray that you are safe from physical violence and that you find the strength to leave before real damage is done.
We don't usually give advice in alanon, but when it comes to physical abuse, that slides a bit.
I know how hard it is to get everything together so you feel that you can leave - not just the actual packing up and moving, but also the determination and resolve. Personally, I never got it all together, though I really should have. However, there is help for you in your local woman's shelter - they can offer suggestions about how to first of all get yourself safe, and then how to get back on your feet.
His using is one thing - that is mostly his own business. His hitting you and trashing your house is something else - that is YOUR business. You have a right to take care of yourself - you are valuable.
I know in alanon advice is not warranted but when it comes to domestic violence.....well.... Honey, go to a shelter if you need to. Do anything to get out.
You say you called the police and filed a report. Did they not file charges??? And if not you should be asking why not? That is their job.
Please keep yourself safe.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Sometimes early in recovery, we don't love ourselves enough to think that we deserve to be treated better - that in some sick way we deserve the unhealthy physical, mental and emotional abuse that we are living with - after a while in recovery we learn that we deserve to live happy, joyous and free -
Maresie, maybe you aren't there in your recovery yet, but if you can, please use our recovery until you get there - You deserve to be able to sleep at night without fear - You deserve to have a safe place to lay your head - You deserve to be safe - You deserve it - It's is not a lot to ask.
Please follow the suggestions in these post - seek a safe place, a women's shelter, follow thru with the police report, whatever is necessary to make sure that you are safe - You are special and we want to make sure you are ok.
You may still have feelings for the A in your life, but it sounds like the disease has a strong grip on him and his actions are causing you harm. His unacceptable behavior and failure to respect your boundaries may require you to distance yourself from him. We know it's not easy - we understand - for many of us have been there - some are still there - we are trying, doing the best we can with what we have - we only want what is best for you - because again I'll say it - You deserve it - please tell yourself - You deserve to be safe.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing,
One Day at a time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you all for your support. I am safe at the moment. I am working on clearing the obstacles in front of me that is all I can do. The shelter thing is not an option for me at the moment. This is not my first time in a domestic violence situation. I have not found shelters that useful in the past. I have talked to many of them,gone to support groups and more. I am considering going to a group for a while to see what they have to offer. Unfortunately it is not much. What I am looking at right now is incurring a mountain of debt that I may never be able to pay back but I am looking at that in order to move. That is about the only thing I can see.
So that's it in the meantime I keep on working plan B. There is a probability that the A's brother will be coming to live here since his mother is marrying someone and he has no where to go. It may be that the A will not hit me then, he is not going to hit me with a witness. His brother smokes marjuana and I would really rather not be around it at all. So I am torn, I don't want the marjuana around and I don't want to be hit either.
