The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...I stopped "lurking", and ventured to contribute something. I'm one of those men who has an automatic "stop valve" in his chest/throat... when I think I'm about to let the emotions out--it clamps down, and I retain my composure (and my isolation... and my stress... and my illusion of control...)
It is 4-5 months since I left my alcoholic partner of 2 years. I thought I was at the point where I could be cordial, even friendly, with my ex, without feeling all the sadness, nausea, anger... I was wrong! I recently "gave in" (yeah... twist my rubber arm) to A's repeated suggestions that we get together, occasionally, to have sex--"only"! One guess as to the effect that has had on me... I am SO not over her--and I will not get there unless I start working this program, again. I have used the stress and disruption of the breakup, moving across the city, trying to look after my daughters' and my basic needs, etc., etc... as an excuse to go to fewer and fewer meetings.
I am so good at pretending and procrastinating. Also, at gritting my teeth and putting one foot in front of the other, rather than sitting down and "giving up" (but aren't we all...). I need to "give up", again--and soon. I believe it's called Step One.
Welcome... and Amen! I was born and raised in a small town in Texas. I don't cry, and these fancy emotional things are for "girls", right? Ha!
You are in the right place. It is great that you can tell you need to be here. For the longest time I just ran in circles trying to figure out what the H*ll was wrong with me. Now I slowly walk in circles and the people in this loving family are giving me lots to think about while I do it.
It can get better if you work at it.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I want to thank you and rtexas, kent, jerry, leo, juster, david, buzz, and all of the other alanon guys on here for letting me know that there are actually men out there who FEEL more than anger and can communicate that!
I know this will sound dumb, but I used to wonder if guys actually had the same emotions as us women do, as my husband does not seem to have any feelings except negative ones, anger, rage, jealousy, etc.. I did not know if he was just being a "regular guy" or being a "regular alcoholic" LOL. Thanks to this group I am learning that many men are kind, sensitive, and caring and CAN communicate that in a healthy, safe, supportive setting.
I remember trying to bring back positive feelings once into our marriage, after yet another separation, and I wrote my husband a long letter about the many things I appreciated about him and the qualities that he had that I admired. I asked him to write me a similar letter. My letter was two pages long...his letter was two sentences long, not even a paragraph! He wrote: "I feel the same. Yes it is good we got back together.". SIGH! I asked if that was the best he could do...he said yes. Funny how he only "comes to life" and has a WHOLE LOT to say when it is bad news about me or how he feels. He can expound for hours on what he is angry about or what he does not like.
I really feel for you for what you are going through, breakups are incredibly painful and and take a long time sometimes to recover from. I know for me I used to think I would actually die from a broken heart and would never be happy again...but somehow I survived despite myself and regained my equilibrium.
One thing that helped me was to read about how others handled breakups.
The best advice I ever read was that trying to "stay friends" or much less still sleep together (YIKES) is like breaking up in slow motion!
You are only prolonging the pain, misery, and drama of a breakup by thinking you can compartamentalize all of those strong emotions and control them in a blink of an eye, with the words "we are breaking up". OK, your ears heard that and your brain processed that, but your heart takes a little longer to get the message and each time you are together or intimate...it just gets harder and harder and worse.
With me it was always the guy wanting to stay friends. I usually had the good sense to say no, but once I did not and we BOTH suffered, even though it was what he wanted. Everytime we went out together, doing the things we normally did like see a movie I felt like a heel and he felt betrayed and rejected, it was incredible misery. What a waste as neither of us enjoyed ourselves, it was too painful. And, when I started dating someone else...I could not tell my "friend" about it, even though it was a YEAR later. UGH! I will NEVER go through that again.
OK, sometimes after like ten years have passed I guess you may be able to be cordial but "friends"? I don't think so...there will always be emotional tension and who needs that?
My ESH? Well...BREAK UP like you intended to! And that means no contact...unless you have kids which I doubt since you did not mention any and two years is not that long to be together.
I know it is not easy, I have been there, but in hindsight that IS the best advice, otherwise you are only prolonging the incredible misery of a breakup.
Everytime you are together and especially intimately, you are re-breaking your own heart and messing with your own mind. What are you doing being intimate with someone who you decided is not for you? Once again I know it is hard, but care enough about yourself to value yourself and not let someone use you like this.
hi Formal , love that nick name . Well so back to step one huh ? no big deal i go there often myself . Please get back to meetings do it for you and your daughter. Friends with your A huh well obviously casual sex is not your bag . So start taking care of yourself again. keep comming here also chat and good luck . Louise
Feelings are such a sensitive topic. In my family of origin, feelings--and their expression--became so diluted that I found myself unable to *safely* express them. A good example is my anger: When I explode, *I have scared police officers.* Because of this, I have seen a councelor for about 20 or so months. I cannot say I am cured by any means--but I can say that when it comes to feelings, thier root causes, and their expression, my progress is monumentous. For example, I got upset the other day; rather than losing my temper I said "I need to excuse myself for a minute." I stayed in the bathroom for about 5 or 10 minutes breathing deeply. I can't say that I was "over it" when I came out, but I certainly wasn't as angry as I was when I left. Perhaps if you are feeling as uncertain and out of control about your feelings as I was--and am sometimes--seeing a professional may benefit you.
