The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has many more issues than alcohol - at least that's what I believe. I actually believe the alcohol is secondary. I'm guessing (not sure, mind you) that he is somewhat depressed and very ADD and started self-medicating with alcohol - it then got out of control.
My anger right now stems from the fact that any time I try to talk to him about any issue - it comes back to me. If I changed this, if I changed that... then we wouldn't have any problems. It is so frustrating. Am I perfect? Of course not. Could I handle things differently? Of course. But... he never takes any ownership of any of the problems in our family.
He gets angry, hurt, and upset because the kids don't want to do anything. However, when the kids have told him they have seen/heard him drinking in the middle of the day he simply denies it. (He is in total denial about any problems with alcohol, by the way.) He has let them down in many ways, but he still expects them to follow him around like puppies.
I can so relate to your post....when my hub drinks his excuse is oh I had a slip, I'm gonna get back on track...what a joke that is.....and the kids ignore anything he says as well...afterall how can they respect him when he doesn't even respect himself....
Of course, when there are problems...usual teen stuff....he can't handle it...and I think that is an excuse as well....
Hang in there Mimi, life in addiction can be really hard to deal with at times...stay strong....work your own program....let it go and let god dear friend...
It is my experience that whenever an individual is overwhelmed by the reality of their mistakes or their responsibility, they seek an escape. Usually this takes the form of blaming or projecting--we get blamed for expectations not made clear; we get shamed for doing things that at one time were fine to do, and at another time will be okay to do again; we become manipulated into giving the person what they want or just giving into a toxic situation. And, at least for me, holding the person accountable for themselves is so daunting--I mean, once I got into this pattern of living like the alcholic wanted, I didn't have a clue how NOT to--that we set boundries we dont mean, or at least don't enforce; we say things in emotion that we really don't mean; we do things in the heat of a moment or in emotion we know to be destructive; it becomes easier to hate the person than to actually look at ourselves. We repeat the behavior we were victims of.
So for me the first step to avoiding the "it's all my fault" syndrome is to set clear boundries with people. To name exactly what I will and won't do. Addtionally, I think using my "recovery hearing" is key. Example: My father was upset I got a C in Criminal Law 442. So through his screaming and yelling I would respond with "So, what I'm hearing dad, is...." "So, Dad, if I'm hearing you correctly, you feel...." "Dad, what I'm hearing you say is that you believe..." This way, Dad felt validated, the fight he was picking was avoided, and very quickly, when he saw I wasn't going to give him what he wanted, he left in a rage to get drunk. *shrugs* I didn't lose my serenity. I didn't feel like a failure.
