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I don't know really know the rules of alanon and asking for advice but I would really like some honest opinions for this problem. My A and I have been together for 5 1/2 years and I love his family. I am part of the family and I get along with his mother better than my own. I have gone on vacations with them and without him. I am very close with his cousins and were in both of their weddings. Here's the problem. I feel like my A thinks I am the enemy. While he knows that everyone doesn't agree with his drinking and they have all confronted him when things get really bad during his binges I am the only one who really gets on his case everytime he puts a bottle to his mouth.
His mom does also confront him but not as much as I do. Anyway, here's the thing. This is an example of what always happens....Yesterday I came back from a vacation with my A's mom and cousins and when we got back my A was missing. He has been drinking again for a month now since his 3 months of soberity. We all knew he was out at a bar or something. And his everyone in his family was saying that they couldn't believe he wouldn't stay to see me and that he's out of control again. THey said he owes them all money and yet he's out spending money to drink. He doesn't come home unitl 7:00 this morning and sleeps unitl 1:00pm. I spoke with his mom around 9:30 am and she kept saying how fed up she is and how she can't stand him living there anymore. So when my A wakes up I am really upset and hurt and we fight. WE talk throughout the day and he says he's bored. I don't let him come over b/c I want him to know what he did was wrong. Around 8:00pm he calls me and says his mom called and asked if he wanted to go to his cousins house and play poker. Now here's my problem....
After listening to his mother and cousins for two days about how I should leave him and how his drinking is disgusting and he'll never change they invite him over to gamble and be around everyone drinking the very next day. THey invite him over and act like nothing happened and it was ok to be out until 7am and not go to work. So, now here I am the enemy to my A because he thinks no one else has a problem with his drinking and staying out. I can't do this on my own anymore. I can't be the ONLY one to say something to his face. THey all wait until he's out of control and ends up in an accident or ruining one of their lives to say something. Does this make sense to anyone else? It makes it that much more difficult to deal with. I know me saying anything wont make him change unless he wants to. But them not saying anything isn't helping our relationship. The relationship they all say they want to work out. I've tried to say something to his mother and she says she agrees with me but then does this. Am I out of line for feeling this way? I am sick of being the bad person and the one he says is against him. Please help and give me some advice.
oh my gosh. here's my story (the short version). my ex ah and i got together, i became very involved with his family, i was closer to his mom than i was to my own, i was "there" for all of his 6 younger brothers and sisters. they professed to love me and to completely support our marriage. i was over to his family"s house more than he was. when my ah relapsed he turned to them and they closed ranks and i was out. with our 3 kids. who loved and depended on them all. but to my face my mil was completly against his drugging, completly in support of me and the kids, etc. but first chance she got to get him back in her home she took it. he is now living between his mother and sister's house, they are enabling him in the classic sense of the word and have stopped speaking to even our kids. what i have come to understand is they are sick also. they are living and have lived with the disease of alcoholism and dysfunction for all of their lives. why would i expect them to be able to do the right thing when it comes to my ah, or my kids or our marriage? because i loved and respected them, because they said they loved and respected me? yes. but, they don't know what real love and respect is. i am just learning myself about these things. they don't have a program. my mil is some spiritual advisor of some sort and she did alanon for years on and off for all the drunks and addicts that she got involved with. so, the bottom line is they are sick. they can disquise it, and sugar coat it and laugh about it everyone of them is hurting whether or not they choose to feel it or medicate it. what can i do about it? not a damn thing. that is my biggest resentment. they are my biggest resentment. i don't have any idea how to let it go. they have hurt my kids so deeply. intellictually i get it is a disease, a family disease but that does not erase or even lessen the pain. so, i have no advice. i don't know if this was useful, but try to remember that they are just as sick as the alcoholic and try not to expect anything. i know that is so hard but i can do it in other areas of my life and it makes life so much easier....... good luck
Daisy, when we really get into alanon we realize we can only take care of ourselves.
The A is an adult, we have no control over what they do. It does no good to get into their business. All it does is pull us down and frustrates us for nothing.
I got to where I said, it is your choice. Or I would not make a choice like that.
We can only change how we feel or look at things. If we do not like they way they live and we don't want to live with it, we can choose to leave or have them leave.
We do not have the right to tell someone else what to do. I know it effects the whole family. But the more you concentrate on you, the more you will fix your own stuff and take care of your own business.
Your husband has a horrible disease. His number one thought is getting the dope he needs. And after he gets it, he is thinking where and how to get more.
When we get into their business it just makes it so they can gripe about us, and not look at their own mess.
I know it is a hard concept. But in time, if we work our own program, it all makes sense and our lives are better.
I just went thru a hellish time with my A. But becuz of alanon I got thru it a better person.
I hope you cont. to come here.
My first hope though is that you will stop focusing on him and look at you. Take care of you.
As far as the family, they will do what they do. We cannot control them either.
Ever heard of the saying "blood is thicker than water"?
His family loves him and they try to accept him as he is, although naturally they don't like his dysfunction.
It is easier for them to overlook a WHOLE lot as they are not intimately tied to him as you are.
Perhaps they "side" with you WHEN they are with you out of a short sighted sense of loyalty to you, since you are so close, but as you see this loyalty only extends as far as it can without trampling in any way on THEIR relationship with him.
They love you and try to be supportive to you in a superficial way, but not to the point that it infringes on THEIR life, to the point that it damages their relationship with him.
Just give up thinking anything will change here. Most people think it is easier to just put up with whatever they can and then just avoid it when it gets too much. Actually this is the "alanon way" to not try to control other adult's behavior, but to cut and run when things become unacceptable to YOU. They may come to a point where THEY are fed up and dump him, but that seems a long way away. You will probably reach that point a lot sooner.
I strongly urge you to NOT make HIS family your main source of emotional support and friendship as when the chips are down, you will find out just how much "family" you really are to them if the choice is between him and you...for instance in a divorce situation.
I went through somthing similar in my first marriage. We moved in with his parents and they seemed to treat me like a daughter. His mom and I had a lot in common and we hit it off spendidly at first, we shopped together, sewed together, cooked together and did nearly everything together. The difference was I had a wonderful Mom and we stayed close throughout. I am so glad I did as when I divorced that bum, his parents came out swinging in his favor against me. They tried to trump up all kinds of false charges agaisnt me to try and get custody of my baby. Thank goodness I am a health nut and never smoked or drank or did any drugs at all or I would have been toast. They had no evidence so everything was thrown out, but I will never forget how far their loyalty shifted and how fast and how vicious, hateful, and lowdown dirty they turned into to what they once referred to as "their daughter by marraige".
With this marriage I have learned. No matter how many times my husband's parents ask me to call them "mom and dad" I don't. I call them by their formal titles, Mr. and Mrs. whatever. They seemed so nice...for years and years...until I filed for divorce. Then his mom called me trying to cozy up to me to find out about what was going to happen to the house so she could hire a lawyer to try to force me to sell it out from under me (and my mom and husband's and my daughter!).
HAH!!! So much for a "mom and dad"...like MY real Mom and Dad would ever try to swindle me and leave my homeless.
I am not saying these people are not sincere...I am sure they are at the time. Just never forget where that saying came from, "blood is thicker than water" as it came about due to people learning that family comes first, before any marriage license no matter what people "say".
Hi Daisy.. I had a little bit of this situation with my in laws, though they supported me wholeheartedly they just didn't know the "how to's" of Alanon. I found what worked for me (and also kept me in their good graces) was to always use the word "I" and not "you".
I would share what I learned in Alanon and subtly teach the inlaws what I had learned by telling them how "I" feel or what action "I" took...or mention different sayings that apply. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes" was always a good one. Never did I say what "you" did was wrong. Beyond that I left it alone. Like the A, we can't control them or anyone else's actions.
Not always, but sometimes I would see my A's Mom, brothers and sisters applying Alanon and I knew something got through to them. You can only really be responsible for yourself but it doesn't hurt to "share" what you've learned. Just don't expect others that aren't working the program to be as strong in their convictions as you are.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My story in a nutshell ... 12 years ago I was put on a pedestal, very involved in my husband's family, applauded and praised for my part in his seeming to be sober or at least productive lifestyle.
Fastfoward I have been kicked off my pedestal because of being his excuse to use and I am choosing not to accept living with someone who has all the side effects of active addiction. It really hurt, and I have finally come to accept they are his family, they will accept him as he is. Add to that the dysfunction of family members who supply him with alcohol and drugs.
You are not alone, it's a confusing and hurtful situation to be in. His family cares for you and probably fears for him if you are not around to care for him. My personal opinion is that they will keep doing whatever they need to in order for the cycle to continue because change is scary.
The 3 C's, you did not cause this, can not control this, and can not cure this, has helped me in more areas than just the addiction in my life. I can only change my way of thinking and living not anyone else's.
The important thing is to keep taking good care of yourself!
I think we all reach our boundries at different times. Just because your A's family has said "Ok, we're totally through" doesn't obligate you to take any difinitive action. I think it's important to realize that each of us is in process to achieve different means and ends, according to our higher power's will for us. When/If you ever get to a point that "Ok, I'm totally through" we'll be here. We'll love you. We love you now. We will stand by you. Right now, I think a good first step would be to process through this with a sponsor.
I can definitely relate. The A's mother has tons of alcohol at famly functions. Both her children are addicts. She has an alcohol problem herself I think. I really wanted to buy into family but what I learned is few addicts have functional families. I have had to set immense boundaries with them.
Denial is wierd stuff. I have my own denial which is one reason why I have to be around other people in recovery. For example right now the A has said repeatedly he is going to get the truck repaired. If I were in denial I'd believe him. I don't see how he will do it. I would spend hours before in one foot or the other in denial or reacting to the denial. Now I know quite honestly that he is probably not going to have the truck repaired. It is one more way I have to pay for his alcoholism (but I will not be paying for ever I will and am in active plan b). I can spend as much time reacting to the As family denial. I choose not to anymore but I did for a long time. I was as angry at them as I was at him. They are enmeshed it is part of the system he comes from. I do not have to join that system anymore I can be in recovery.
I am the family of the "A". I am the mother and also the mother in law. I do not defend my A son at all. However, I do support him in the fact that he has a disease. My dil understands that it is a disease also. Of course it is harder on her because the disease has torn her life apart.
I support my dil. She is the mother of my grandchildren...and a wonderful one at that. I could not ask for anyone better than her to be their mom. I wish my son could have fit into the picture more but that was not God's will. I also support my son when he is/was trying to do something about changing his life. Not happening at the moment but has in the past. I guess maybe the difference is that I sought out Alanon and my HP from the start. Also, my granddaughters are the most important thing in my life. I have to be in their lives and I would never do anything that might jeopardize that.
The whole situation is heartbreaking but we just have to keep things as normal as possible for the girls and hope that dad can keep a relationship with them. That is up to him!!! I know I will stay in their lives no matter what he does.
