The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hate when I get this unsettled feeling in my chest and belly. This feeling that I am doing something wrong.
My emotions have been getting the best of me. I keep feeling that I should be doing something else, that I deserve more.
I always told myself that I would never put up with infidelity from my husband. Most things can be worked through, but I would never share him with another woman, To me I don't think I could get throught that.
I look at my life now and wonder how much diffirent would it be than it is.
I cannot seem to work through issues with his Mother. In a sick way, Ifeel that she is the "other woman".
My husband is on the fence. He does not go to bars, and his drinking is very much less than it has been in years. He hasn't quit, and has no program, but has lost touch with his drinking buddies. He has no sober friiends, and now no drunk friends. He feels his Mother and not me is his only allie.
He is with her 7 days a week. She wants him to quit his job and spend more time with her. He has to run all her errands. He is terrified something will happen to her living alone, so he checks on her a few times a day. He gets her opinion aboout everything. In turn everything becomes my fault. She uses everything as ammunition against me and he doesn't see it.
If I even look at him the wrong way, he uses it as an excuse to run home to Mommy.
I have tried boundaries. Asking him to please limit his visits to her to a few a week and one on the weekend. He says if she falls or passes out, no one is there and calls me selfish. There is nothing physically wrong with her! She is 75 and healthy. She plays the invalid.
I feel like I am being unfair. I know she is his Mother. I know she is alone. She chooses to not see her friends, or other relatives.
I don't think a person should have to choose between their Mother or spouse, and maybe I am forcing this. I feel that she is the person he alwasy chooses. She is who he goes to to talk to. Her opinion is all that counts.
It as gotten to the point that even sex feels dirty to me. Like that is all I am good for. Mommy meets every other need. For this reason I have shut myself down on that part of our marriage. I can't, too much feels wrong.
I can't talk to him about this, I have tried. He just screams at me that I am the problem, she is his Mother, and it is sick that I have a problem with it.
I know she has only been a widow for 8 months. But is it wrong of me to feel that she should not take over my marriage?
I have always had issues with her. I don't like her, but maybe I am tearing him in half. I just don't know.
Oh wow, could you be married to my husband? Almost word for word the things that go on at my house.
Everyone in the family has got her (MIL) number, even her daughter and other son don't want anything to do with her cause of the trouble she has caused. But not my hubby. I guess he feels he gets unconditional...something from her. I don't know what it is.
I try to keep my mouth shut, but usually that eludes me. I am getting better at it though. I really know what you are going through.
Hang in there. Let them do what they have to do. Try to work your program.
Geez Jeannie is your name really Debilyn???? I tell ya lady, you just described what I have been thru.
I know you are into the creator. It is plain as day,"A man will leave his mother and father and he and his wife will become one."
If anything you two would be taking care of her together.
But these guys are sick. I know exactly how you feel. I told my mil once I am his wife NOT YOU. Sometimes I wondered if there was something weird there.
still do. I hate to see you back into this so heavy again.
Geez why doesn't he just move in with her. He is always there anyway.
I am probably not being very appropriate lol this is too close to home for me.
I am surprised my A is not sneaking into his moms room in the nursing home and sleeping on the floor in there.
sigh. Don't go wus on me now girl. love and hugs,debilyn
I know I was really super codie on my mother my entire life & am working through it, breaking old patterns & reprogramming.
All I can say is, those are some lame excuses, you do deserve more, we have to set our own boundaries & get sick & tired of being sick & tired to stand up for what we need & deserve.
I hated being maried to my addict, he blamed me for things that happened to him when he was 8! (Wow, I must be really powerful to have effected the past!)
How many Al-Anon's does it take to change... only one but they have to really really want to & for as simple as the Program is, the work is extremely difficult.
Deepest love & support, friends in recovery, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
OMG! Debilyn reminded me of when my mil was in the nursing home. A was drunk, and got someone to drive him to the nursing home. Mil was out of her room, so he crawled into her bed and passed out!! A friend that worked there called me, and asked what she should do. I told her to do whatever she had to, even if it involved the cops. These guys really take the cake, don't they!?!?
Jeannie, I went through pretty well the same thing with my mil, although she did like me (most of the time) and me, her. She was the most demanding person I ever met! When A lost his driver's license, I drove him to see her every day. I had just had major surgury on my eye, and it was painful to drive. When I think back on all I did for them... I think what a fool I was, but it's my own doing, I could have said "NO". I wonder if that word was in my dictionary back then? I am sticking up for myself these days, pretty well, but will NEVER go back to living with the A if he is active again!
He was very ill with this last binge, and maybe has learned his lesson?? Who knows? But, and this is a big BUT, he has totally stopped buying even beer this time. I can't help but get my hopes up.... ( the never-ending sucker).
Jeannie, I am so sorry you are going through this. We know, and you know, you have done everything in your power to keep your home and children on an even keel. There is nothing you can do to change him, no matter how much you love him. Maybe some day (hopefully soon) he will see the light. My 1st mil sounds like she could have been your mil's twin, but luckily, we lived a long ways away from her.
One thing I try my best not to do is interfere with my kid's home lives. They know where I am, and I will always be there for them if they need me.
You certainly don't need trouble from her on top of everything else! Praying for you with love, TLC
