The sorry stuff can be a sticking place.  I have waited long and hard for the A to say sorry. He does it very rarely.  In fact he works pretty hard to get me to feel sorry for him. He has some muscular illness that required a lot of treatment a while ago. Today he was limping...ah poor thing I should drop everything and put him to bed and play florence nightingale.  I do not. I do not say anything. I do not even acknowledge it.  If he wants something ask for it. That is what I have to do.  He could care less if I have a brain tumor but oh he limps oh I am supposed to jump up and stop the world for him.  When he was first sick, I stepped up to the plate and realy helped him out. I paid a lot of expenses for a long long time. I took care and I did not abandon him.  Does he do that for me.  Absolutely no way.  He never did and never would. I failed to notice that and these days I want reciprocity. I do not want to give till I am burned to the crisp.

I am much like some other people here. I see more and more that the A has nothing to offer me.  Well drama and chaos and an occasional few moments of acceptance. I will always be last on his list.  I want to be number one on someone's list. I work super hard in life.  I did not have anything given to me.  I have to go to work each day and earn it at work and I am exhausted when I come home. The A expects me to make him the front and center of his life, cook, clean and do more.  I am tired of doing it.  What do I get for it.  Being abused and ignored.  That is not a partnership that is some form of emotional slavey. So I actually say very very little to the A any more. I make a few requests of him that's it.  So for me the silence which I have at the moment because he is off at one of his "friends aka drug buddies (that is all they are) is welcome.  I would rather have silence than hear his demands or his manipulations.

I do however do plan b day in day out. What is the next step I need to complete to untangle the many ties I have with him.  What can I do to take care of me. After all the A does none of that. He alludes to it but he does none of it.  I always have to ask and ask and ask.  I have begged before but I have given up begging.

I think the A also does the same around his pets.  He makes a huge show out of taking care of them really he does none of the practical stuff.  I do it all. But oh how he loves them.  I had to call him last night (when I was working) and remind him to take care of the dog (one of them is his alone) he will not do it on his own.  I am sick of having to deal with a schoolboy emotionally.  He expects it all to come to him like he is the center of the universe.  And don't forget he is the "victim" of it all and he can't help doing drugs....

So I have mixed feelings about the silent thing. It used to really bother me that was when I was trying to share my feeling with him.  Now I don't, why bother. The center of his life is using.  That is the reality. Nothing changes that.  He will do anything, lie about anything, use anything to use.  He always has an excuse. The irony is that when I met him he made a huge song and dance about his last girlfriend was a drug addict and how hard it was on him.  He failed to mention he was one too.  Funny that he complained bitterly about her but the biggest addict was in fact him.

Maresie.

((((Elizabeth))))

If your A said he was sorry, would it help?  The reason I ask is there are many A's, and mine is one of them that does say they are sorry.  Only it means nothing.  Even if you were receiving the verbal sorry, it more than likely wouldn't be back up by the actions that would show true sorrow.  In other words, their addiction will continue to rule their actions.  I'm sure you've read how A's lie, well I felt forever hurt by the sorrys that were said.  They made me angry, they were lies to me.

I'm in no way saying that you should just pretend that nothing is wrong when there is, but don't deceive yourself into believe that a sorry will make it better, when the behavior will continue to happen.  This is a great place to "say what you mean, mean what you say and not say it mean."  You don't have to keep silient, you can actually say what you wrote in your post.  Yes, I want to go shopping and spend some time with you, but that doesn't make last night go away and I'm still hurt by it. 

Keep working your program, and read as much as you can. 

((((((((((((((((((Elizabeth))))))))))))))))))))))

My husband did not talk to me for an entire YEAR, no lie.

When he first started this I worked out an amount he had to give me from each paycheck it was an extremely reasonable amount, much less than a judge would have awarded me, and told him that if he gave that to me I would not file for divorce right away.

He gave it to me on time so that silence stuff worked.

What a sick jerk!

When I saw him I was not going to buy into his sickness, I treated him with bare bones politeness, I would say hello only, and he would ignore me.  Still, I kept my dignity to be "normal" and not be a puppet on a lunatics string.

Eventually he said he was sorry and wanted to reconcile.  SIGH!  I went along with it for our daughter's sake.  I am trying to keep things together until she graduates from high school, she has already had such instability in her life she does not need more.

He refused to talk to her too by the way...what a collossal sick jerk!

And what precipitated this year long silent treatment?  I dared to call him an alcholic to his face.  He claimed I was trying to slander him, sigh.  Scroll down and look at page 2 or 3 to read my top ten lists of why he IS an alcholic and tell me I was "slandering" him, LOL.

Well I have learned that he is just a nut and the normal rules of human interraction don't apply to him.

At first it was easy to ignore him but after a while I know how much the silent treatment HURTS! 

(((((((((((((((((Elizabeth))))))))))))))))))))))

Isabela