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Well AH did admit he has been seeing someone. I confronted him about it and he said, that when I left in April (we were separated for two months) he was so lonely and afraid that he went out and happened to meet someone. He said that our relationship was in such a mess (I was horrible, bitchy, just furious about his drinking, had not discovered ALANON yet). He said this woman is married too, and is seeing other people (thanks, now I have to get checked) - and he was just sobbing lastnight, telling me that he doesn’t want anyone else but me, that it is over between them. He said that he needs me, I am his best friend.
I was unfaithful to him about two years ago. I told him when it happened and it was only one night, and when I was drinking heavily and totally out of control. He said that ever since then he was crushed and that he just couldn’t seem to get over that. I had apologized so many times for it, and thought it was healthy to tell him about it.
I think he is so resentful about my unfaithfulness that he wanted to get back at me, but the thing I find so hurtful to me is that not only did he have sex, he TALKED to this woman a lot for the past six months. He called her all of the time. They did not talk every day, but sometimes talked for two hours, you know? I know I shouldn’t obsess about it but that really hurts, to have my man talking to someone that is a stranger. Confiding in someone. I know it is someone that he can be sick with, and he cannot with me because I don't drink anymore.
So, I guess I don’t know quite what to do at this point. The drinking has been so much worse, he is unemployed. He seems so desperate, says I am his only friend ( I think I’m the only one that can put up with him so stupidly drunk). I want to have compassion for him. He is my best friend, and we always strived to be honest with each other all of these years. We talk about everything. We have gone through such good times and hard times, and always supported each other.
I was SO ready to sell the house lastnight, to get out and move on. Now I am feeling so bad for him and want to maybe give him a couple of months and see what happens. I did tell him this morning that I cannot live with him anymore unless he gets help. He said he would. I know I need to see ACTION, not words.
Is it possible to forgive and get on with these things in a 17 year relationship? I still have such hope for us, we really are soulmates I feel in my heart. I don’t want to be the suspicious wife, lurking around and wondering, that is so unhealthy for ME most of all.
Am I enabling him by just giving this a couple more months to see if he will actually try to get help? My heart and my mind are so confused. I feel strength in the fact that I can look at him as a human being, and have compassion for him, he seems to have made a mistake and wants to try.
I feel so confused…. Emotions running everywhere!!! Any suggestions or experience in the same situation? THANKS>>>>>
Unfortunately I know exactly where you are right now. When you came to Al-Anon, everyone said don't make any drastic changes for 6 months and give yourself a chance to learn and grow and get over the hysteria of living in the chaos of A'ism... remember that?
Well this was a new point of hysteria for me at the time. I didn't allow myself to get over the shock and dissapointment of the whole thing so that I could think with a clear head. I was frantic about "winning" her back.
In the process what happened in my case is, I showed her by my actions that I was the cause and she had every right to do what she did.
I would say don't make any rash moves until you take a step back and get your breath. This is a big shock. You are a good person, and with a little time and some reflection on what you need in life, you will make good choices.
You don't have to rush it. As far as his "getting help"... your leaving or not will likely have nothing to do with that. If he is ready to screw his head on straight he will, weather you stay or go.
Is there someone you can visit to get away and relax a bit? To me this is not a love/soul mate issue. I love my 21 year old A-son with all my heart, but there is no way on this earth I would agree to live the rest of my life in the same house with him.
I am praying for peace and serenity for you, you deserve it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
i was in a similar situation a couple years ago. the best thing i did was to do what i felt i needed to do at the time. i did move out and we did work on things. i did get myself tested, the woman my ex was with also married and this was her 3rd affair. and i agree the worst part of it was the fact that he was emotionally intimate with her. my ex is bi polar and an addict and all of this i believe was a contributing factor. i had just had baby #3 so, the sex part might have made sense to me in some really wierd way but that they had a relationship, however sick it was really devastated me. good luck and just know that you don't have to make any decisions right now and whatever decisions you do make are never not reversible. i don't know if this helps but you are not alone.
(((hersh))))) wow, what a blow! (Back in 1988) my A & I had dated for 1.5 years. He was my world, I worshiped the ground he walked on. Anyway, he ran the bars a lot, and didn't come home a lot. We lived in my Apt., tho he had one of his own, too. One night he didn't come home, so I walked up the street to his apt., used my key and went in, went in bedroom and sat on the bed. When my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I noticed a blonde head next to his dark one....big uh oh!
I absolutely FREAKED! I was so crushed, I was crazy! I wanted him dead, to rip him apart with my bare hands (and her too) but I wanted him to still love me. We stayed together, because I wanted to, but it was awful, I could not forget it. The scene kept running through my mind. I had so many questions, was she better than me, did he think she was prettier, more fun? What did she have that I didn't.....blah, blah. She was a girl from the bar up the street from where we lived, and was known as an easy target, ya know.
I drove myself crazy. And everytime he was late getting home, I went thru the same agony. We finally broke up, in 1989 and I married someone else 2 years later. I missed my A every day of my life I was married to the other man. We were apart 9 years, but I got a divorce, we started dating again in 1997, and are about to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary.
Only you can decide what is best for you. But you are right, for sure get checked. You cannot be too careful in that regard. Life and death.
I wish I had had Al-anon back then. I might have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I don't know if I would have stayed or left now looking back, but I know the staying was very hard on me. But, I wasn't ready to let go. So I just continued to make us both miserable.
Am glad you are here. You are a worth while person. Continue to work your program, get checked at the Dr's. You will know in your heart whatever you are ready to handle. Be open and honest with your A as much as possible. That is good for you, I am finding out. I made myself very ill by not opening up, and keeping a lot of rage and hurt inside myself. You are entitled to your feelings. I am just learning to let mine out, and I think sometimes I'm going to give my A a heart attack, he's just so used to seeing me in silent pain. No more. I speak my mind, but I try to be civil about it at the same time.
And I know that it is not just about sex, but about the feeling he was intimate as in sharing his feelings with another person. But, you figure he was probably drunk or drinking when he was doing that, so he was only sharing his "alcohol or drug induced self" not his true self, which you probably know pretty darn well after all this time. 17 years is a long time. You do not have to figure everything out tonight, or even tomorrow. One day at a time, kiddo.
P.S. I just thought of something else, it is interesting that he picked someone who is married also, and thereby not really "available" to only him, and she's seeing other people too??? Sheesh!
As far as I know the A has not been unfaithful to me. I have certainly often wanted to just jump into another relationship in order not to feel so attached to him. I think maybe the drugs/alcohol eat up their ability to be faithful, loyal and put their relationships up there. I think it just totally saps in and chokes the life out of their lives.
For me in observing the A I see a boundary thing and a lot of codependence. In some ways he is a worse people pleaser than I was. He goes into massive people pleasing then flips over into massive resentment. I have done that.
I guess one thing that comes up for me with the A and others is the issue of having no bottom lines. I had no lines where I said cross this and there will be repercussions. The reperucssions I have had is to cause a scene, get upset that never stopped the A. I think Kitty's stipulation that A's dont' care about feelings of others in active addiction. I was so craving for him to hear how I felt the other day. And then he went on and on about what he needed that was it, none of what I needed just what he needs and his demand for it.
I have put up with a lot of demanding people in my life, my parents were demanding, my bosses have been demanding, the A is demanding. I am used to jumping. I am not used to saying well you know I can love this person from afar. I am not going to be hurt by their demands anymore. I can do that with certain friendships but in a love relationship it is so so much harder to turn around and walk away and say I don't do that. The truth is that I do do that. I have tolerated gross gross violation of my boundaries on so many levels. I have screamed and shouted about it but I have never showed through my actions that I am not going to tolerate it.
When this happened to me, and I got over the awful shock, I did leave. I had to. When the disbelieving and the anger and sheer sadness got less, I was able to see more clearly.
For me, the long intimate conversations he had had with her were too much. My resentment was huge. I was so hurt.
(We didn't have seventeen years and a marriage though, so maybe it was easier for me to walk away)
Someone here said to me that the activeA does not have relationships. He takes hostages. I was shocked at this initially, but came to realise for me that this was the case. His illness imprisoned me too. How sad.
I think the fact that you can talk to your husband about this important....myA doesn't seem to have this skill, and I often wish he had!
I agree with the advice that you don't need to rush any decisions at the moment. This is a big shock for you and it's very hard to make sensible decisions when you are going through shock. Maybe if you had a few days away from the situation it would help. I know you are a good person Heidi, and care about other people a lot.
He knows this too.
I know myA feels terrible, awful, in the aftermath of a wrongdoing. I've seen him depressed and devastated for days. However, even though he feels bad and is remorseful, it does not excuse the hurt he has caused. It took me a while to absorb this....
You have been doing so well here, and this is a terrible blow for you. I hope now that you can be strong and be patient. When the hurt lessens you will be able to make better decisions.
