The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I have been attending meetings and also stopped calling him home from the bar, my husband's drinking has gotten worse. He doesn't seem to care about me or his family at all anymore. Not much dialogue between us. What is there to say when he goes out every other night to his friends at the bar. I thought my heart couldn't break anymore but I was wrong.. It's like watching someone die.
It's so sad to have to stand back and witness this progressive illness overpower the ones we love.
Although he doesn't seem to care, remember that he is ill. He is gripped by this powerful, cunning, baffling illness. It controls him.
I pray for you both. For you, for strength to get better for yourself. And for him that he may find his rock bottom with dignity...only he can do this for himself.
I know the sadness of you situation. I have been there too.
It's exactly like watching someone else die, which is why we need to turn our eyes onto the only person we CAN control and influence - ourselves. You cannot save him... but you CAN save yourself. Keep up with your recovery, and you will be okay, in the long run... He may or may not get sober, but you will be better.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I too am in a simular situation. What I have been reminded constantly is that as we get better, they notice and react. Some get angry since they are loosing control, some see it as freeing in that we leave them alone they can do whatever they want. (go rebel) Either way, there is nothing you can do about his choices.
I know first hand how difficult this is as I have only been doing this for 6 months or so, but it will even out. You are changing for the better and you have every right to do that!
You are not alone! Many of us have been there, but there is hope.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Let me say how very proud I am for you for your recovery - what an awesome job you are doing, congratulations on going to those meetings, working on you and not making those calls!!
I also hate to hear the pain you are still going thru, yes it is like death - and you are probably beginning to feel some of those feelings that were being stuffed for a long time - that is hard and painful, but you don't have to do it alone. We are here for you and so are your new friends in your meetings. Please continue to post here and reach out at your f2f meetings. Taking care of you is the best thing that you can do for You - You deserve it.
So glad you are here,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
It can be incredibly hard when we first change our behavior toward the A. Remember you are doing these things for YOU, not him. Ask yourself questions like:
If I call, how many times will I have to call? How mad will I be by the time he gets there. How irratated will he be when he gets in because of the calls. What has the cycle been like and do I want to keep doing it. Has my calling him home changed anything?
Now look around you during the time you know he is out at the Bar. What are you doing? If you are like the many of us, probably obssessing about him, what he's doing, why he's not home, and on and on. Try to change your perspective. During this time he's out of the house you have quiet, you can have peace, you can do whatever YOU want to do. You are not tied to the house either, you can go to dinner w/ a friend -- Even better an alanon sister . The possiblities are endless on what you can do for YOU during this time, the whole thing is it is up to you. We talk so much about Control, well this is where you have 100% control -- over what you do.
I do understand how difficult it is to do these thing, but YOU are worth it. Do your best to turn him over HP -- sometimes I just say, HP he's in your hands, over and over again. Then I ask HP for help to get busy on the only thing I can control, which is me.
Try to remember he is not intentionally doing this TO you, though it may feel like it. It is the illness. You are doing well and it takes strength and courage not to call. Keep posting and use your phone list from your f2f meeting, sometimes it was all I could do not to call my A, so I'd call someone from program and say can you talk, I want to call my A. And they understood.
I know this time for you is so heartbreaking and awful. I have been living it all year long this year myself. BUT you are wonderful for having the courage to take care of yourself and go to meetings, and to not call him. That takes a lot of strength to change the behavior. All I can say is it is such a process, little steps. I still freak out and get mad and sad and devastated, but the more I learn and the more I persist at this program, the better I get. Sometimes, I too feel like I am watching someone die. I find it is better just to leave the house when you see it, or try to go to another room and do something productive, turn on music or draw or clean, busy yourself with something so it is not obsessing in your head.
You are certainly not alone and you deserve to be happy. Though I've only been in the program around four months, I see a definite improvement in my sanity, and there are tools to learn to deal with myself if I feel insane again, which does unfortunately happen. Old habits are hard to change.
. The possiblities are endless on what you can do for YOU during this time, the whole thing is it is up to you. We talk so much about Control, well this is where you have 100% control -- over what you do.