im so tried of my a/addicts abuse..plus im such a chicken - Al-Anon Family Group

bev · Veteran Member

im so tried of my a/addicts abuse..plus im such a chicken

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Bev I am in Australia so can't give you access to any phone numbers but I would suggest you ring one of the help agencies in your area and ask their advice. I am glad that you do have your family around you right now to support you. Actually your A is the outsider at the moment and probably knows it. Do not hesitate to take action if you are physically abused no one has to put up with that. It sounds like the environment you are living in is very stressful what are you doing to take care of you? If at all possible try not to get engaged in the arguments when your husband has been using and go to a friends or just for a walk etc to get you out of the house. At the moment you are trying to be the peacemaker between everyone and you will burn out. ((()) Luv Leo xxx

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Well you have some good things going for you. It is your house, You sound like you had money of your own.

Your A is physically abusind you, I am sure you daugher has witnessed it.

If I were you and I have been you, I would get the Restraining order papers and get to the court house, get an oder on him, have him served at work.

then he has to come with the sheriff or police to get his stuff.

You could have it all boxed up for him in front.

Or take it to where ever.

I would sure do this before he kills you or your daughter or baby. It does happen.

It is awful he is doing this to you.

I don't understand what makes you give him money at all? If he has none for gas, does not give you any, what makes you not allow him to suffer the consequences?

Anyway good for you for asking. Keep coming back and letting us know what you decide.

Plus remember that precious baby feels and knows everything that is going on. The first months and years are a vital time in their development! love,debilyn

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how you feel, this is an awful situation to be in. Remember to take care of yourself and if that means calling police do it, take care

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Bev)))))))). By reading your post I think you have already answered your own questions. When we live with an active A, fear, worry and uncertainty plays a huge role in our lives. You also have to remember that you always have choices! You do NOT have to accept unacceptable behaviour. You do NOT have to tolerate verbal or physical abuse, and certainly you dont have to participate, by getting enmeshed in his disease. Leave the room, or the house if you have to. Never try to talk to someone who has bee drinking (as I have found) because it is totally futile and useless. The safety of you, your children and grandchildren must come first. I hope you are attending alanon meetings as this will help you in these trying times.

Nothing changes , if nothing changes.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well Bev I can really empathise with your issues. I live with someone who is very very abusive and guess what he is always the victim. I can also understand the bonds that hold you to him. I can also understand the total and complete exhaustion you speak of.

A's are very very controlling. I am not sure how your A appears outside the home. Mine appears like an angel. That is also hard because it is hard for people to believe the kind of behavior that goes on.

I do think there gets to be a moment when you get to "enough". Whether you are there or not is something I am not going to comment on. Many of us in Alanon talk about making a plan B. Plan B can be a lot of things but it is a way to detach. What will it be like for you for the A to go. What will help make that happen.

Marriage is pretty complicated stuff. I live in a live-in arrangment but because it is so so long term (6 years plus we have lots of things that connect us that I have to undo). Unfortunately I can't do it all in one fell swoop and I also have the issue of money to contend with. I do not have enough.

I know also that when I did not have enough money I did not leave either so I can empathise with that money is just one issue.

Here is what I might suggest (and of course you are under no obligation to take up any suggestion).

1. Get a counselor. When we are abused as a friend of mine puts it our minds get really sick and tired and we go round in circles. One of the circles is wishing he will change when change is entirely up to him. Whether he changes or not we can still take actions.

2. Get to an al-anon group if you can. Come to meetings here. they are phenomenal sometimes it is hard to get into chat. Join other 12 step groups for support. Get as much support as you can.

3. Go to a battered women's shelter for counselling. They can fill you in on all the things you need to know. Do you need a restraining order. If you get one you can have him move out. Of course you have to be ready for him to go. He has a source of income. He would have places to go. He also presumably has some people who he drinks with.

More than anything you will be able to decrease the isolation you are in. Remember whatever decisons you make are yours. It is your life. You do not deserve this abuse. It seems like the more you do for certain alcholics the more they have to abuse. They loathe themselves so much they have to make us hate them. Unfortunately they suceed. I can't tell you that I love the A I live with anymore I do not. I don't hate him either but I also know that I donot want to go on with this life of sharing his anger, grief and misery anymore. He is so horrible and the same old scenarios come up time and again. When I need strength I think about it not being much longer. This is the one of the last times I put up...... This is the last August I put up with ...that gives me the strength not to be overwhelmed. I know this is the last summer I will tolerate the A's constant acting out. For me it is.

There are a lot of steps to getting out of a abusive relationship. Do one, then do the next. You will find the people in this room incredibly supportive, loving understanding and non judgemental. That is a phenomenal find. No one will judge you here and no one will say they don't know what you are talking about. They have all been through their own wars.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.