The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so i pop in to do some reading and see how some friends are doing and it gets me thinking... for thoes who know me on here know I grew up with an A dad and the married one!! We have known each other since I was 11 yrs old and got together when I was 17 I am now 29 we got married 2 yrs ago have 2 kids...
Any hoo I always give hubby a "second chance" I think he is on about his millionth chance lol. I just can not seem to leave the bum!! If I do i always come back to the empty promises of change and the love he says he has for me but does it ever change NO!! You see I am in love with a man that no longer exists and hasn't for about 7 yrs or longer now. We had so much in common as teenagers our family life was very simmilar and we could talk for hours we felt comfort with each other its really uncanny that we have recreated our child hood for our children and I take full responsibility for my part of it.. I have realized that i was ment to be with him for reasons and I think my part of it has come to an end. I say this because I truely believe that we are brought together for things like support and other things... Hubby has had to face some very difficult life chalanges in the last few years loosing both of his parents taking over the family business and such and my part in his life I think was to help support him through these difficult times and I did to the best of my ability, I quit school even to help him when he lost his dad. I have been told over and over again by family and friends to be pacient with him and just let him run his course because he is under so much pressure and stress and the program has helpped me with that so much!! All I see now is that he is just getting further and further out of control. More importantly I am getting more worn down every day. I can't remember the last time we actually had a real conversation or have felt like he actually even loves me.. even on our wedding day its kind of crazy. Don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I just think that our time together has come to an end. I have 2 wonderful children with this man and for that I am greatful. I am full of fear!! I worry that if I leave him our children won't have a dad. I truley believe that he won't have any contact with them and I don't want that. I have been thinking about my kids mostly but really they don't need this and I am sure i can make a better life for them on my own. I guess I just don't want to feel the same way i do about my life in 10 or even 5 years from now as i do right now.
I have learned in the last few years that life is very short and that only i can make it what i want it to be. Its just taking that leap and doing it that is hard. I honestly think that i got stuck in some sort of comfort.
My niece has been spending alot of time with me these days she is 14 and hubby showed up just blitzed she has never really seen him in this kind of condition and the next morning she said to me. Aunty I realize that your purpose in Uncles life was to be there for him when grandma and grandpa passed away but really i don't think you should live like this I know you can do so much better... she is so insightful. The other thing about that is he wasn't even as bad as usual. He coment I guess has also got me thinking about all of this.
Ok i know that this is getting long but there is a bit more... Last week was our aniversery and I tried to make an effort to show some affection. It all started friday but our aniverery is on the monday. I supprised him,got mom and dad to take the kids for the weekend. Went and got a gift and a card( i quit doing things like this cause I would go all out but never anything from him) went to the pub he goes to to spend time with him even though I don't go to places like that. he opens his gift says oh.. then goes to another table and leaves me... grr so the the next 2 days is planned for golf one thing we both love and I have just got to do again since the kids were born.. thinking that ok this might bring us a litte closer give us a chance to talk and just hang out like we used to. OK no that has not happened. He did not say 2 words to me.. used me as his personal cheufer. then to top it off Monday comes and I figure ok he might take me for dinner maybe get me a card I don't want to expect to much you know what that leads to.. Then the big blow...he goes out for the entire night with 2 guys he just met I have no idea who they are and me I sit at home watching tv... typical.. so in all of this i figured ok I have been reall cold try to show some affection make my self available and approachable not to mention vunerable and bang all those things that I have done for self preservation were infact for a reason I do only get hurt if i let my defences down. Believe it or not there were no tears shed no angry words exchanged nothing in a marrage of nothing...the next day I told him that in 12 years i have never before been so disrespected by him..
So today I feel the man I live with is a room mate nothing more really. The father of my kids well a father to me is a part of their kids life he well he is just a sperm donner.. I know that is harsh but really...
ok I have gone on long enough... sry for the vent and babble.
Oh jj, don't apolagise for the vent. That's what we're here for, to help and support each other. We all need to vent, and this is such a perfect place to do it, where others know and understand.
I'm so sorry your anniversary turned out so rotten. Don't forget girl, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Those words are so hard to sink in with me too at times. I can catch myself wondering if only I had done this, said that... but it wouldn't matter what we say or do, sigh.
I was so angry and disgusted with my A this summer, but we do have a lot in common and have fun together when he's not drinking, and he hasnt that much these last few years. But when he does, I get flash-backs of the 'Hell years'.
My ex wasn't an A, but when the novility wore off, we actually had absolutly nothing in common, and lived for too many years as room mates, only seeing each other (literally) at bed time. We ended up having a nasty divorce, because he couldn't get over it that I would actually leave such a wonderful person as himself!
You are the only person that can know if it's over. As for myself, I don't regret divorcing him a minute. Even our kids can see how much happier I am now. Hmm even during the Hell years with my A...
I didn't have a marriage, I was alone more then than at any other time in my life. He liked having the house-keeper, finance manager, mother, etc., etc., etc... He ended up getting married again not too much later, heck, why wouldn't he, HE had a good marriage!
Take care of you, my friend. Come here and vent as much as you need to, it sure helps, and we understand what you're going through. Hope this helps in some way, Love, TLC
