The material presented
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Hi this is new to me...well i have a long history of alcoholism in my life...not myself but family members...I have been in a long distance realtionship with an alcoholic...I helped his family do an intervention...he took the help...was in the most prestigious facility in the country...for 2 days...then the insanity started again...the lies the blame...he tells me I am his higher power...I do know that in order to have recovery work ypou need to do it for yourself...i am seeing a counselor..he says that he will pay for me to see another...the one I am seeing is a man and of course his assumption is that I am sleeping with him..he has cheated on me the entire time...I told him that I have chosen who i want to see for help...what do i tell him when he says i am his higher power and reason for quitting...he has been in treatment 4 times and each time left saying he can cure himself...I have to turn my ringer off or he calls 24/7 saying that I need to be there for him...he says that he has a panic disorder..that he self medicates with alcohol...I tell him that his panic disorder is not the problem his alcohol is...that he panics to have a drink...
Welcome to MIP. I'm glad you are here. I don't have any easy answers for you. Reaching out for help here worked wonders for me. I know it will for you too. Try to keep the focus on yourself and what you want from life.
My A (ex to be) in the past has made me the reason for quitting before. At first it was wonderful thinking I could be such a strong influence, that must be real love to give up alcohol/drugs for me. Fed my ego I guess but in the long run did not help either one of us. Eventually I became the reason for using and lost my self esteem, and now when I think about it I lost my ability to think for myself. Or maybe I mean about myself, I was too worried about how it would effect him.
The 3 C's helped ... I did not cause it, can not control it, and can not cure it.
Just know that here, in Alanon, we like to share our es&s (experience, stregnth and hope) instead of giving advise.
It was not easy for me when my A told me that he quit for me. He "quit" SO many times, but never lasted. It was for me, the kids, the job, whatever, every reason except for him. His most recent reason for quiting is to see our daughter in a supervised atmosphere. I am SO glad I got out of that relationship and moved on and remarried. I know for me it felt good to be thought of when they were doing good, but it feels that much worse when they'd go back out again. I would have to suggest you not worry about this guy and take care of you. Don't let his insecurities run your life. Good for you for turning off your cell. That is one way of you taking care of you. Keep it up! Your already on the right track!
When I started my own recovery programme I didn't have a lot of energy left. I had been dragged down so much by the cunning, baffling and powerful disease that is Aism....the disease my Aboyfriend had. It took me ages to realise that I was absolutely affected by it too...it had dragged me down too. I had lost my self esteem and was quite weak.
I've had the lies and the blame and the accusations that you speak of too....I know the hurt.
But I also know that as I started to recover for myself, I got stronger.
I know he has a disease and it controls him, and it causes him to do some terrible things. I know he has his guilt and fear every day. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because I know he is gripped...he know's this too...better than me!
The important thing for me to remember is that I can only control myself, and make changes for myself. Now I concentrate on that.
Hi I understand as we all do your frustration. One thing I have learned living with an A is it is never the alcohol and almost never the A's problem...according to them. Over the years, anyfriend, counselor, etc who has given me sound advice to help me deal...has some other agenda or is wrong(according to A). Seeing another counselor just puts control back in his hands and allows him to feel justified. My A will never agree with what is said, why should he, he doesn't believe it himself.
The constant phone calls. Been there, done that. At the time, my counselor told me "turn off your phone and delete the messages without listening". Because it was giving him the "power" by CHOOSING to listen. It was difficult but I did it. Actually, had someone else listen and let me know if I should know anything (suicide, etc).
Continue with Alanon. The three C's and Serenity Prayer really help me get thru the day.
I understand as we all do your frustration. One thing I have learned living with an A is it is never the alcohol and almost never the A's problem...according to them. Over the years, any friend, counselor, etc who has given me sound advice to help me deal...has some other agenda or is wrong(according to A). Seeing another counselor just puts control back in his hands and allows him to feel justified. My A will never agree with what is said, why should he, he doesn't believe it himself. 