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Hi. After almost 14 years of marriage I told my husband I can't live like this anymore. And I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not. Because it hurts so much. My husband is a good man, loving, everything I ever wanted in a mate...but when he drinks too much which eventually he does...he is cruel with his words and unstoppable. I don't know which is worse any more, living with the uncertainity that he could go off again and destroy me mentally or living without him.
Here is my story:
When my husband and I met I told him I would not be involved with someone who had an addiction who did not deal with it. Yet I have noticed his casual drinking getting worse 2 beers a night to 3 or 4. We counseled on it for years. Approximately, 3 years ago it got worse. Mind you, he had lost his job of 15 years (unjustifyably), took care of ailing father, father died, I almost died (I have serious illness), struggled finding a new job, sold her house due to debt and moved to another city. He used meth on two different occasions, stole my vicodin, fell down drunk on my birthday...among other things. After doing all the wrong things...threatening, guilt, etc. He left me last year in the middle of packing our house. I told him not come back. After approximately a month, he convinced me he would do anything to have me back. I asked for intensive therapy and intensive AA.
Before he left he saw a counselor once a week and AA approx once a week. It is now been 8 months that he has been back in my life and on average I would say he has slipped approx 3 times a month. He is going to counseling once a week and AA about one to three times a week. He "says" he has not used/drank for at least a month. But I can't believe him. Every time he slips and I catch him....not hard...I'm not even trying...I have nightmares, go thru depression, and anxiety attacks. I shut down. And the walls come back up.
We have been getting along and stronger in our relationship on all other aspects but the slips are making me a nervous wreck. I supposively have PTSD as well! I keep anticipating the other shoe dropping and it terrifies me. His denial seems to be coming back as well. Says he hates going to AA and listening about the "drunk stories", says it doesn't help, says his counselor says he may be able to have A drink in the distant future. Says he promised to get help and he has. He wants me to give him 6 months but does not say how he will remain sober. Or make a change. And when I asked him what the first step of AA was...he didn't even know it. I do, because I go to Alanon once a week.
Am I being to hard on him, expecting too much, too soon? Or am I really seeing things for how they are? Because he is confident in letting me go if that is what I feel is best. Even though I have told him it will be forever! I just want to be realistic and happy in whatever time I may have left. Please some one help.
Hi... I so identify with your story, really. My husband of 17 years has relapsed this year, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. We had a wonderful year last year, just the best in our time together. Now he is a different person, unemployed, letting our finances go, and just keeps on destroying himself with drinking.
My husband also hates AA, has gone once or twice but thinks it is depressing and horrible. He actually said he would kill himself before he went back.
This is a hard hard place to be, Kris. I really don't know what to do in my situation, so I can't offer you any suggestions for yours. All I know is I am going to as many Alanon meetings that I can, and try to help myself. Living one day at a time, the best way that I can. Trying to be compassionate and detach when I need to. Trying to realize that I am powerless over someone's disease or choices, powerless over someone else's life. I can only deal with my own right now, if I worry about his, it is too overwhelming.
Right now I am not ready to leave my AH, but I am beginning to wonder if it will save his life at this point, and my sanity.
You said you didn't know which is worse any more, living with the uncertainty that he could go off again and destroy you mentally or living without him. That is so true, isn't it? All I know is I am slowly becoming so much stronger and actually respecting myself enough that I know that I don't deserve a life like this of chaos, lies and sadness. My sanity is at stake. I think the alcoholic's sanity is also at stake.
I'm sorry I can't offer you more help, I just wanted you to know I am going through exactly the same thing and it really really hurts. Come back to this site, it is a loving, supportive place with a lot of good posts to read and chat room.
You are coming to the right place! I have not been exactly in your shoes, but this is what is going on and what I do. My A was sober over 10 yrs. Then one day decided he was spiritually ok enough to drink again. He has been drinking ever since. At first, I was just freeked out. Now, I just get frustrated. I hate the lies, the money going to all that expensive boose. I just get frustrated. So, I try really hard NOT to focus on him and to keep my focus on me and the kids. He has to live with himself, and I refuse to accept the consequences he has coming to him.
If your own sanity is at stake and your life for that matter, you are the only one that can decide whether it is worth you sticking it out with him or move on. I know in my first marriage, I chose to leave. It was my only choice, I had lost me completely. Today, I have me back, so I am ok with my situation (for now) LOL
...he is cruel with his words and unstoppable. I don't know which is worse any more, living with the uncertainity that he could go off again and destroy me mentally or living without him.
His denial seems to be coming back as well. Says he hates going to AA and listening about the "drunk stories", says it doesn't help, says his counselor says he may be able to have A drink in the distant future. Says he promised to get help and he has. He wants me to give him 6 months but does not say how he will remain sober. Or make a change. And when I asked him what the first step of AA was...he didn't even know it. I do, because I go to Alanon once a week.