The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a member of Alanon f2f meetings and visit the Naranon Family website.
I married an alcoholic at 20 (lasted a year), married a nice man (together 8 years) and then left him for a newly sober alcoholic (park bench drunk) who got sober in AA and has swapped the witch for the *itch (meth/ice).
My story is very long but suffice to say, tonight, I am devastated. After a very dramatic meth induced psychosis and 3 months in hospital, I gave my husband another chance. He picked up again, I asked him to leave, changed the locks, we was out for a few nights, I was doing well in my program and then went out one day and came home to find him fast asleep in bed upstairs. I'D LEFT THE NEW KEYS IN THE LOCK! I took it as a "sign" from God (my own wishful thinking I now think) and let him sleep there for 4 nights after which, he woke up and of course was NEVER going to do it again....something's changed yadda yadda yadda. I kept my cool and gave him ANOTHER chance. Anyway, I'm going interstate for work tomorrow night which has always meant Party Time for him. I arranged for my mother in law to mind the kids (just in case). I checked his phone records today (yes, I know, BAD) and what did I find??? many texts to dealers. I LOST IT. I ranted, raved, swore etc....we had a fight (well I had a fight) and when I got home, he left saying he was going to NA. Well, I checked his phone records again (yes, right off the program) and found he'd texted a woman he'd had a "friendship" with just before he went out. I'm losing it here. I am SO UPSET. I'm upset about the potential using but more upset about this other woman. He SWORE he wouldn't contact her again. Before I knew he'd contacted her he rang to get directions to an NA meeting. He might or might not be there. I had to stop myself from leaving a really vile message or send a text to him about this woman. I was going to text both of them saying "Good Luck To You Both". I'm trying to gain some composure. I can just picture them here in our family home when I'm interstate.
Anyway, I've looked up an Alanon meeting interstate for tomorrow night.
Wow, you've got a lot on your plate! I'm so glad you found this site, and hope you'll keep coming here to post and to the chat room to meet all of the nice, caring people who can give you tons of ESH. We are certainly here if you need us, 24/7.
I think it's a good idea about finding a f2f as you travel. It can help you stay in the moment.
You have NO control of his behaviour, neither are you responsible in ANY way! Maybe your taste in men leaves a little to be desired but you do not deserve to be treated in the way you have.
Honestly, the only way you will gain peace is by drawing a line and ending the relationship totally. You will NEVER have a proper relationship with an unreformed addict. Additionally he will NEVER be cured even if he never drinks or does drugs ever again. Do not blame his unfaithfulness on drugs or alcohol. He is giving you NO respect whatsoever. He is treating you like a doormat. Imagine what YOU would have to think of someone before you acted like that towards them.
You are doing the right thing totally by going to meetings, but that will only make YOU better. The cause of your grief is still there, unreformed, waiting to hit you in the teeth again when you least need it.
Seriously, it will be hard but say ENOUGH! Kick him out and keep him out. Sever links with him. Your health and emotional wellbeing is paramount. Don't get involved with his other relationship....it is not your responsibility. You will come to appreciate the effort you make now.
Keep going to meetings and keep coming here. You will find the entire spectrum of human emotion and responses here. Pick out what you need and discard the rest.
I know that my first husband was involved with illegal drug use and I had to show him the door. You can lose custody of your children if you knowingly let someone do drugs in your home...including your husband.
I know a woman who did...her husband used drugs in their home and she was an alanon success story in many many ways. She stayed detached, worked hard, and put her son in daycare while she was at work to keep him safe. She bought her own car, her own food for her and their son and paid most of the rent. She just moved ahead with her life and she and her son had a good life as far as the outside world was concerned. Her creep husband used his drug money to live the high life and to buy a fancy car and take fancy vacations alone.
She thought that if he ever got busted she would be safe since she worked, had pay stubs, and could prove her car and things were paid for with her salary, not with ill gotten gains from drugs.
Anyway, none of this mattered. She was declared an unfit mother and her child was taken away for not leaving her drug addict husband and bringing up her child in a drug environment with no consideration to the law.
She also lost EVERYTHING since her husband also sold drugs and anything they had together was ill gotten gains legally.
She ended up doing jail time too as an "accomplice" since she knew about the drugs and did not turn him in.
Last time I saw her she was living in a boarding house, trying to get a job to earn the right to just visit her son in foster care. It was hard to get a job with a drug felony conviction.
Take care of YOU and your children...don't get so caught up in him and his girlfriend that you don't see the forest for the trees.
I am sorry to hear of your struggle. I can definitely empathise with the taking them back aspect. I can also understand that you can't just leave in a day.
I have had more than one boyfriend who is an alcoholic so I can also understand that issue too.
I think you will find a lot in al-anon that can help you. I can also know that no one can tell you when/how/what you ought to do. What you do is up to you and no one has the right here to judge you on that. We have all made terrible mistakes in terms of who we choose to fall in love with. You will see people here though who one step at a time leave, make a plan B (I have one) and who execute it. You will find people who understand how difficult that is.
I think the jealousy issues is an interesting one. I was once furious because the A chose to spend all his time with a friend of his. He still acts totally bewildered by why I was so upset. I think A's really do go all out to test, run circles around and hurt certain relationships. I am no longer willing to be tested. Jealousy and feeling left out is also a good topic to explore in this room.
