The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading these posts with much interest. I have been going to see a therapist for the past 6 months, who has been helping me see my husband has an alcohol problem. I have been watching his drinking, but he typically drinks at night when I am in bed. He is a self employed writer who takes care of our three kids during the day (two of the three are in school full time, the other one soon will). He hasn't published a book in five years. I believe he has a drink every day, and then on many Fridays or Saturdays, he goes on a binge. He has had blackouts and many years ago, totaled my car--now he often goes across the street to drink, so at least he isn't driving so much. He is often irritable, gets upset about the smallest things, and has smashed dishes and left the house in the middle of the night many times in a rage. He has also called the police twice--once in the middle of the night when he tried to leave the house and I took his car keys so he couldn't and again when he began to get belligerant at me at mealtime and I left the house, then came back and refused to let him take our kids out of the house to get pizza (mind you, the meal was done and on the table, this was a school night for three kids, ages 3, 6, and 8). I could not believe this second time--he called the police with our three frightened kids there--who hadn't even had their dinner!!
We just came back from a two week vacation and during all of this time being with him 24/7, I found myself not liking his temper, his irritability, his company or HIM! And wondering if I can put up with this for another 8 to 10 to 12 years when the kids will mostly be ready for school, or if I just needed to get out. We got home last night and I had stopped two weeks of paper delivery, which I knew he wouldn't be happy about, but I didn't think was that big of a deal. Well it was. He had a fit. Threw all of the luggage out of the car on the grass and announced he was going to a hotel. I had to go back to work this a.m. and all three kids are out of school--so he is supposed to be taking care of them. He is the one that has been home with them for several years and I am the breadwinner. What I noticed on vacation was that when he drank less, he was able to get up in the morning and he was less irritable. The last two days, a friend--an nondrinker--came and stayed with us and he drank more--then this.
My therapist says there is a cycle of drinking, then the alcohol leaves the system, then the irritability sets in, then there is the need for more alcohol. He, of course, does not think he has a drinking problem and that a man has a right to get drunk now and then (mostly weekly, I think, in his case). I have not yet been to an Al-Anon meeting. I am thinking of going tomorrow and seeing a lawyer as well. He is going to a lawyer tonight to talk about getting a separation. Now he is infomring me because he has to pay lawyers' fees, he won't contribute any more money to the household. That's just one reason I need the lawyer. I hate to tear up my family with divorce, but is this any way to live? Advice?
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married, three kids, considering separation, seeing therapist
((((Linda Jean)))) <==== These are hugs by the way
Welcome to MIP! The story is all too familure, many of us will relate directly with what you are going through right now. The Al-Anon program is designed to help you! Along with your husbands addiction comes many feelings and unhealthy habits for the people who love someone with an abuse problem. This program is for helping you dig yourself out of the emotional rubble.
It sounds like you are doing the right things, getting counceling, talking with a lawyer about what your options are and coming here to help you. We don't really give advice but the program definitely suggests you come and participate in meetings and learn more before making drastic changes so that you can make healthy well thought out decissions.
There should be local face to face meetings in your area, and there is a chat board and meetings on this site (there are links in the upper left corner of this page). Most of all it is important to know that we are here for you and you are not alone.
I know others will pipe in, but welcome from me.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome (((((Linda)))))) Am so glad to meet you. No, that is not the way to live, and you don't have to live that way anymore! I'll let you in on a secret.....Al-Anon works!
The only "requirement" for being in Al-Anon is that you have been affected by someone else's drinking, and it appears you have been. Has your therapist recommended attending A-Anon meetings for you, and Ala-teen for your kids? Any help you seek for yourself will also benefit the children. It would be great if you could find one soon.
I am pretty new here myself, just since Jan. 1 of this year. I can tell you we cannot give advice here. But we can offer lots of Experience, Strength and Hope. Your life does not have to be in such an uproar, nor does your childrens'. Only you can decide if you can continue to live with your husband or not. Some of us choose to stay, some to leave. Every situation is different, and we each have to live with our choice "for today". If you feel you or the children are in danger, by all means, put some distance between you and your A.
Whether or not your husband is truly an alcoholic or not is not really the question. The question is, are you, and the kiddos bothered by his drinking? If so, you are in the right place. And we are glad you found us. Alcoholism is not defined by how much a person drinks, but by what happens when they drink (I think I said that right!)
I extend a welcome from everyone here. We too were once overwhelmed by the chaos in our homes. But there is a better way to live. You will find it by listening, learning, reading, and attending meetings. There are online meetings to attend, as well as a chat room. I know the people I have met here have literally saved and changed my life. Please check back on your post, as I'm sure others have a lot more input on your situation than I do.
Yes, there is not much that can be done for him, until he is ready to change, but there is a lot that you can do for yourself and your children. I would suggest reading some of our literature - you can get it from the bookstore link on this site, or from ebay or amazon, or borrow it from the public library, or go to a face to face meeting in your area, and you can buy or borrow books there. Best of course would be to go to f2f meetings - it really helps, just to see how many other people have dealt with what you have, and have found ways to be happy, whether they have stayed or left, and whether the Alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Especially with such young children as you have - they deserve one sane parent, and it looks like that has to be you. Welcome - not everything you find here will help you, but I am sure that some things will.
Considering divorce is very common. I know for myself, I did go through a divorce with two children (only one from that marriage). It is hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel if that is what you choose to do. My only suggestion, check your motives. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not the wrong reasons. No matter what you find it in your heart to do, we will be here to help you get through what will happen. Being together or apart, we will be here for you! Just keep coming back.
Welcome (((((Linda)))))) Am so glad to meet you. No, that is not the way to live, and you don't have to live that way anymore! 
I'll let you in on a secret.....Al-Anon works!