The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In one of my meditation books there was a line that caught my eye "Beauty and self love is a taught behavior that becomes habit--like self hatred." As I meditated on that today, I paused for a moment and realized I still have reminants of self hatred that we talk about in the 3 C's (I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it). I hated myself for an extensive period of time because of the incorrect belief that I had power over the dysfunction in my household. I also hated myself for, well, not being supportive.
The consistent pattern of alcholism in my household has been that my father--for months at a time--will be under the power of drugs and alchol, throwing finances, relationships, and any stability to the wind; then, something dramatic will happen to scare him (one time, the bank came to reposses the house; another time, he was in a car accident where the car he hit sent all of the passengers to the hospital; this time, it was, well, what I've been sharing--that I picked up and moved because I was afraid he would rape me), and he would abruptly stop drinking or using drugs for a period of days or weeks. Whether he would go to AA or Al Anon was never clear to me; I do know he would go to these meetings while under the influence of drugs and alchol, even speak at them. And after a period of days or weeks, something again would happen, and dad would go back to the drugs or alchol (his last relapse was because, I was told, I had dropped a PE class; my councelor has told me, rather firmly, I do not have enough power over my father to determine his sobriety or his drunkedness).
I feel like a douche for not supporting him when he gets--or attempts--sobriety. I question my memories, because he is so dramatically different sober that I wonder if it is *I* who am insane; after all, mom left 5 or so years ago, remarried, and moved to Chicago, and is adamant that there is nothing my father has ever done that is unreasonable, irrational, hateful, or hurtful (but that she divorced him confuses me; if she is so convinced of his saint hood, why is she gone? ) So I feel all the more...stupid? I don't know the words! I feel like...Well, I feel like there are enough affrimative, recovering people in my life who have given me the courage in counceling to look back and are giving me their courage to trust my memories--they are saying that what happened in my home really happened.
Well if that's true, then why on Earth have I allowed myself to live like this for so long? What on Earth has possesed me to wait so long to get my stuff in gear and just do it? I'm trying not to beat myself up, but it's not working very well...
Well... If you are like me, when my Father was trying to drink himself to death, I really didn't know any better. I didn't like it, but I knew of nothing else. That was Dad, and that's just what Dad does... he drinks.
You don't cause it.... any of it. Your Mom's decissions may not have been about your Dad, or maybe she feels guilty and it taking all on herself. To be honest you may never know, and she may not ever admit to herself why, but the beauty of this program is those things don't have to affect what you do from this day forward!
As a loving child the only thing you can do for your parents is tell them you love them. You don't have to endure their pain, or take blame for thier actions.
I am older than you and it took me til this year and a near breakdown to really understand that.
My goal in life now is to be healthy and happy. I would love for everyone in my family to do the same, then we could be healthy and happy together. I can only control my part in that. The rest is up to them and their HP.
As a parent, I can tell you that at some level (weather they admit it or not) they will find some pride in the fact that you are getting your act together despite what they do or say. It will say to them that they must not have been the worst parents in the world 'cause look how you turned out! In other words ... the best gift you could give your parents is to be healthy and happy yourself!
You are very bright, I can see it in your posts. Keep your chin up and keep working it, you are worth it!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
We take love where we can get it - especially when we are children. Even when it is a flawed and even dangerous love. There is nothing wrong with you for being mixed up and divided over this - how could you not be?
As you get healthier, you will make healthier choices. Someday you will be able to feel loving detachment for your dad - but remember, you didn't get here overnight, you won't get better all at once either.
You're reaching out for help, and starting to realize that all that guilt and self loathing is not really justified - looks to me like you are moving in the right direction.
I feel like a douche for not supporting him when he gets--or attempts--sobriety. I question my memories, because he is so dramatically different sober that I wonder if it is *I* who am insane; after all, mom left 5 or so years ago, remarried, and moved to Chicago, and is adamant that there is nothing my father has ever done that is unreasonable, irrational, hateful, or hurtful 
(but that she divorced him confuses me; if she is so convinced of his saint hood, why is she gone? 
) 
So I feel all the more...stupid? I don't know the words! 
I feel like...Well, I feel like there are enough affrimative, recovering people in my life who have given me the courage in counceling to look back and are giving me their courage to trust my memories--they are saying that what happened in my home really happened. 
Well if that's true, then why on Earth have I allowed myself to live like this for so long? What on Earth has possesed me to wait so long to get my stuff in gear and just do it? I'm trying not to beat myself up, but it's not working very well...
THANKS. ALOT. *is serious
