The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, I want to say thanks to everyone here, as the meetings and chats are helping me to get by, one day at a time. :) I'm learning more every day.
I'm still having a really horrible time, and I feel guilty as I'm reading about so many active A's... my own A is newly in recovery, sober (as far as I know) for a month now. But I'm still so MISERABLE!!
He lost his job, lost his disability, and we are separating. I need to go home, near our parents and friends, get a job, raise the children. I asked him to come home too, so he can be near the kids and maintain a relationship while he continues in his recovery. He told me on Friday that he can't go home until his sponsor says ok?? WHAT?? I don't get that. I'm really trying not to harbor resentment about his recovery. I am pleased that he's making these efforts, for his own health and wellbeing, and for the kids. But we are still in a position where his needs come before everyone else's, to him. I understand that recovery is a selfish process but PLEASE... I didn't think sponsors were in charge of life decisions?? Maybe someone can explain that to me?
I am having to pack and plan and move, 1/2 way across the nation, on nearly NO budget, and without any help or support. I'm tired and frustrated and overwhelmed. We have no income, I can not wait to move or we'll have NO money. I have nothing left to 'give' him, emotionally I'm done. We have no marriage anymore, haven't had one for a couple years now. We do get along fine and I refuse to disrespect him in front of the children (or really at all, for that matter) but I can't keep on like this...
I feel like I'm hanging on to a pipe dream - that after 15 years I should know it's gone, and just let go and move forward. And I can't expect him to meet my predetermined disappointments. LOL I am so lost and alone right now.
Great vent for a Monday morning, huh?
I'm off to do more packing and call around about a moving truck. I guess that with or without him, I still know what has to be done.
"I guess that with or without him, I still know what has to be done."
That's your quote above, and it shows me that you are way ahead of the game. Some people, especially the women, haven't a clue how to go on with life on their own. Sorry to sound sexist, but it's true. No, it's not easy, but I sense from your post that you are strong, and will handle it just fine. Having family and friends close will be a great help.
I don't quite understand the thing about the sponsor's ok being needed. Hmmmm
I wish you and your dear children well. And I will keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One thing I learned in my husband's early recovery was not to assume anything. I sorta thought that the problem was the drinking, and drugging, and once he stopped that, everything would be OK. Turns out the drinking was only a symptom of the real problem. With us both working on our programs, we are getting through.
I am learning just how messed up he really is, even still - so much guilt, so much self loathing. I really had no idea, all those years - he always acted like he thought he was really something, and I fell for it. I sometimes sensed the insecurity underneath, but really had no idea how deep it went.
Alcoholics are told (so are we, really) not to make any major changes in the first six months. This might be what he is talking about. It helps if you remember that this is really life and death for him - he has a fatal disease, and is understandably reluctant to make any changes to a treatment that is, at the moment, working. I would, if at all possible, do what I felt was best for me, without slamming shut any doors - "I feel I need to move now, I need the support of my family. When you feel ready, we'll discuss what to do next." You can always decide, later on, that ending the marriage is right, or getting back together, or some other solution that doesn't even appear as a possibility now.
I have found that what works best in my life are seldom 'either/or' type solutions, but rather acccomodations and compromises. Sometimes it takes a while for the right one to appear, though.
Not all AA or AlAnon answers are chipped in stone. Or at least, I HOPE NOT!! We must do what the situation and our common sense dictate. You seem to have made your decision, and I truly wish you everything you are hoping for. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hugs for you for taking care of yourself and the kids. You know what must be done and you are doing it. For a Newbie, you are miles and miles ahead of me when I started coming here.
After your move, please don't leave this site behind. We need you and you need us, I think. It helped me and continues to help me to come here and vent, get some encouragement along the way.
Remember to take it easy, but take it. Don't forget to eat, drink water, take vitamins, and rest when you get too tired. Moving is stressful even in good circumstances, let alone doing it by yourself.
Moving can be kind of exciting, too. And you will once again be surrounded by loved ones and friends to help you thru this time.
It helped me and continues to help me to come here and vent, get some encouragement along the way.