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I am trying very hard to detach from my son and his problems with alcohol and with his life (related to his problems, of course). This weekend started great with Friday's good activity with him and his ex and their baby going out to eat...a new tradition they are trying. Saturday morning he called to say Friday had been great; he was expected to go to his ex's late afternoon to see baby and hang out at the pool and she would fix him a meal. Late Saturday his ex phoned me to chat, saying casually that my son had not been feeling well Saturday morning (he had suffered an injury on his job on Thursday and still recuperating) and that she had invited him over to visit and to fix him a meal but she had not heard from him. OK...I detach and murmur something inane and then sit and worry for the rest of the night...not detached at all. Should I call him to see if he was OK? Was his injury worse? etc etc etc.......I did not call since usually when I do things go bad. Sunday not one word, so spent the day worrying about him. I wanted to call so badly and I wanted to go see if he was OK, but as in past experiences, that usually makes him nuts. Sometimes when I "check" on him he is sober as can be; other times, not. Now I can only surmise that he medicated himself against his injury with alcohol. So I ask: when one detaches does one also abandon? In my soul I know that mothers do not abandon their children. As long as I am living and breathing, he is my son and his health and welfare are my concern. Just because alcohol is such a confusing problem, how can we "detach" when alcohol causes our loved one's health and welfare to spiral downward. I go from feeling great sadness to feeling great anger at him. How could he just let me sit here all weekend and worry without calling me to say he is OK?? I suspect I know the answer to that one. This is becoming a weekend pattern which is why I posted Friday about "sanity this weekend".....either there is total silence or if we engage, total chaos. Which is preferable? At least in chaos you know what is going on. How do I lose this great need to know everything and when I do know everything how do I cope with that?? This is a form of insanity and I recognize it as such.
Hi omajoy I think this message board is exactly where to bring problems such as yours. I encourage you not to presonalize this. He is not drinking AT you. I have come to know my a's drinking is not about me. He doesn't let me sit and worry - I am not on his radar screen when he is active.
One of our members "advertises" the July 14 page of One Day at a Time. Do you have that book? It's Al-Anon's daily reader. It helps us see how to detach. By detaching, we do not care for our loved ones any less - no bonds are broken . It is a technique that allows us to love without losing ourselves. Along the way, the a may begin to experience the consequences of their behavior.
Good news - it's Monday. :) boy, never thought I'd say that one! take care -- Jill
My thoughts are with you and your family right now. My ASon is 21 and lives on his own. Before I realized what was happening he developed a drinking problem in his mid-teens. To the point that we never had a civilized conversation unless I was agreeing to buy him something. LOL
That was soo hard, and I was in such denial that drinking was affecting all this until a couple of years ago. As Jill said, I don't think he "consiously" does anything to you. My son looses himself in this strange place where everything is about him.
My son blew up this weekend because his dvd player broke and he wanted to "borrow" money to go buy another one. I told him I didn't have any extra money for that right now. He lost it, cussing at my AW and me.
So.... is he really pissed at me because I don't have any extra money? No, he is bored and self centered and I was an innocent bystander in his self pity for not being able to watch a movie. (Or buy booze for a party... hmmm)
Whatever, I could have fought with him for hours about the moral aspects of wanting to borrow money from someone and getting upset because they couldn't provide it, but I have done that before, and he wasn't listening anyway.
For me, detatchment has a lot to do with seperating the behaviors between them and the disease. When we are barely making our bill payments and my AW gets upset because I won't run out and buy her a new Hummer.... I don't get mad about that any more. I detatch or joke about it. That is simply not rational... it's the disease.
The tricky part is when it sounds ligitimate, but it is really the disease talking... that still gets me.
Don't know if any of this rambling has sparked anything, but hang in there it will get better if you work it. We are always here for you.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello oma , as I have not had to detach from a child I cannot fully understand your pain. But I had an experience in this room late at nite - watching a former addict and disraught mom sharring and I never for got it . I will try and relate as I remember it . It may help
Mom came in very upset her son had just called in a panic -saying they are going to kill me if i don't get the money tonite , besides his drug and alcohol addiction he gambled . She was prepared to take her last bit of money and give it to him.
There was a man in this room who I had never seen before identified himself as a recovering A and asked her if she realized he was probably lying ,she replied yet but what "if" he isn't ?? She said she would never forgive herself if her son ended up dead at the hands of a loan shark.
He didn't reply for a few min and then asked her How are u going to feel tomorrow if he takes this 2000$ buys drugs and dies of an overdose ???? I almost fell off my chair I personally had never thought of it that way.
The lady quickly left the room to return a few min later , she had called her son and for the first time said NO More.
I to my knowlede have never seen either one of them since but I have never forgotten that 15 min .
Detachment is sooooo hard -- but loving detchment works for everyone . Just my own experiece here. good luck will be thinking of you both Louise
(((oma))) I understand every word you spoke here, I have had to detach from, my mom, dad, brother, ex husband, and my 2 children. None of it was easy...The Worst? My kids....At their worst all I could think of was the innocent babies I brought home from the hospital...those were some hard days..
Here are a couple of thoughts that really helped me..
By keeping my children tied up in my apron strings..I wasn't allowing them to grown...they were not learning to accept responsibilty for their actions, nor were they learning problem solving skills while I was steping in and fixing things up for them.
My Children had their own high Power and their hp was leading them and taking care of them...I was not their higher power.
The worst times for me to detach were when they were missing in action...however I learned that when something bad happened..my daughter was in a head on wreck..no drugs or alcohol involved and my son was put in jail for drugs...The police called me ...in my daughters case 25 minutes after the wreck happened and in my sons case it was a couple of hours...now I believe no news is good news...Bad news travels fast.
Detaching didn't mean I quit loving them or abandoned them..It meant that I started loving myself enough to get on with my life that I had abandoned. lt seems that when they used they never got ahold of me, but I stayed by the phone and worried. The stuff I worried about didn't happen, things I never thought to worry about did.
I can remember, the thought "this is killing me" going on over and over again in my head. Thank goodness I got serious as a heart attack about alanon. Online and Meetings... Because I truely believe it saved my life. I met so many people who were or had been right where I was at. They helped me so much.
I don't know if this helps, but I will surely remember u and your family in my prayers.
