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Ok, some of you know I have some issues with my 18 year old daughter. She is about to start college, and will be living at home and commuting. She absolutely thinks she is an adult, which she is, but she is acting so immature and selfish. She is almost DEMANDING that you treat her like an adult.
Here's the thing that's got me in a little bit of a tizzy this morning...she worked all day yesterday (10a - 10p) and then comes home. I am in bed watching tv and my husband is in living room watching his show. She comes to my door and says, "Casey (her girlfriend), Austin (apparently Casey's b/f), and James (her b/f) are here for a little bit and we are going to watch tv upstairs (pretty much her domain up there). We won't make any noise."
So I say ok, and assume the guys will leave when she and Casey go to bed. After all, I had spoken to James' dad a few days earlier and he was bragging on how he can trust James to stay at Austin's house while he's is traveling for work (Big James is a single dad), because "Austin's mom is pretty strict, she has a 10p curfew for Austin." Plus, my daughter knows my boundary on her b/f sleeping over.
So I wake up to go potty around 3 am, see all the trucks outside, and look upstairs. I see my daughter at top of stairs sitting on futon, and I ask what time they are leaving. She says 3:15. I go back to bed, thinking what a strict mom Austin has...LOLOL...and what a clueless dad James has...LOLOL...
So I wake up again at 6 and look outside, see trucks, go upstairs, tv is still on and the guys are sleeping on the floor. I see my daughter and her g/f in my daughter's room, both sound asleep with the tv on in there.
So...my first reaction was to wake them all up and send the guys home. But then I thought, they'd be driving with little to no sleep, and I didn't want to put them in a situation where something may happen. (But I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to wake them up, just to tell them I didn't approve of the situation.)
Anyway, what to do...what to do...what to do...
So, makes me wonder, did James say he was sleeping over at Austin's, and Austin told his strict mom he was sleeping over at James' house...? Do I need to mention this to their parents or just keep mum? Makes me wonder, altho I already was wondering, LOL, if they spent the night when my husband and I were gone for 5 days to New Mexico, and my daughter had the run of the house. I was assured that no guys spent the night...yeah, right...
Should this be a "deal breaker" with my daughter, as far as her being allowed to live here while she is in college, since we have had issues before relating to her not following our "house rules" (meaning no drinking, drugs, or sex in my house, being nice to me, no mixed sleepovers, cleaning up after herself, etc.)? I didn't specifically tell her last night when she came home that the guys couldn't spend the night, but she should know my stand on this issue as we've discussed it before.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? At least the guys weren't out driving on no sleep, and they were safe...
I just don't wanna jump the gun here, so any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.
You make a very good point in defense of your daughter's actions; at least they were safe, and you knew where your girl was. Yes. I always looked at it that way when my sons had friends at the house until all hours of the early morning, and insisted that parents knew where their kids were so that they would not worry themselves frantic. Remember, some things are worth fighting about and others are not. Pick your arguments carefully, lest you become used to taking a negative stance without even considering the other side.
But, the question here is; is it a family rule that no friends may spend the night? Are other "rules" being broken regularly? At 18 years old, I believe she must follow the rules that are reasonable or find another place to call home. Be sure to define, "reasonable." No drinking, drugs or sex in your house is certainly a reasonable rule, as is being respectful of you and helping out at home. Those rules should be black and white...no room for discussion.
It's a tough one. At 18, they can be so independent-thinking, and really doing no thinking at all!!! It's time for a Mom-Daughter chat. I am sure things will work out. I LOVED the teen years with my two sons, even though sometimes I thought I wasn't going to survive it...LOL!!!
Take care, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:17, 2006-08-20
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well, the teen thing is hell you are almost thru....lucky you.....I don't know, here is the thing....they obviously wern't having sex, if the boys were on the floor together...and if they want to have sex they can surely find a place for that.....
So my question is, did she really do anything so wrong????.....kids will be kids lmt...and If they were just sleeping what is the harm in that anyway???
They could have been out somewhere doing god knows what...but they were there in your house watching tv.....
I mean they are 18 yr olds, so I guess you have to thinks about that one...I would have been glad she was home and not out somewhere...that is me...
The thing is lmt, it's nice to know where our children are...also, she has to obey what you want....it is your home and she can't walk all over you...so try and find a balance with her lmt....
Am I jumping the gun ??? don't think so. as you said she may think she is an adult but acting like a child adults ( most of us anyway ) obey the rules . I have had a similar situation with my sons along time ago , I spoke to thier friends privatley told them to not plan on doing this again. and also spoke to sons privatley . I chose not to tell the parents ,this is your home and u have a right to set some personal boundaries for it.
Hi lmt, An interesting topic here and obviously quite a dilemna for you. Everyone who replied has a good point, I think. I especially like Abby's solution because it seems like the adult way to handle it. Boy am I glad I'm way past those days!
God love the younger folks though, and you too my friend.
Speaking as a daughter and not as a mother they are reasonable. I was glad (now that I look back) that they set boundaries. The majority of the time they got followed. But when they didn't, the hammer came down. Hindsight says it was a good thing. Back then it didn't seem so at the time.
Hang in there, school starts soon and hopefully she'll be so busy with school and work she won't have time to test you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I looked at this a little differently and in a slightly innocent light. It may be that they have all fallen asleep watching tv. Your daughter may have even told the guys to go home and then went to her own room and didn't realize they had stayed. I think the rules and boundaries are great and it is your house and they need to be abided by but in this instance there is no harm done. The friendships and equations will all change again when she goes to college. You will probably be wishing she was home with her friends then. lol Luv Leo xx
