The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last 3 week I've been caring for my mom, who has dementia and motor problems, while my dad heals from open heart surgery. I don't think my life has been this unmanagable since my AH was in the house, lol.
My dad absolutely refused to put my mom in a home while he is healing. After more than two weeks of 3 hrs. of sleep a night and dressing, feeding, bathing my mom; dealing w/ her fears, tears and just plain oddities I had to call it quits. I am just physically unable to do it and raise my own to kids. So what did my dad do? Had me bring her home. I'm so powerless. I just turned over a job that I can't do to someone physically unable to do it.
The last morning my mom was here she asked me "Is he God?" --- Did I laugh! I told her "No, but he thinks he is." Then she laughed. I've set up a home health care person to come in to help w/ bathing etc a couple of times a week and a pt person to help keep her moving, but other than that I have to let this situation play out how ever God/Hp decides. I had to tell my dad if he kills himself I'll be putting one parent in the ground and one in a home, and that I wouldn't feel guilty (but you know I will). It was so much like talking to an A. No matter what I said, or anyone said, it just doesn't matter. So I have to let this go.
I'm so grateful for this program and the wonderful people in it. They've helped keep me sane, reminded me that I'm not God either. I don't have the power to make people do what I want them to do, even if I'm right ( lol -- not that I'm right about much, but this one, I'd have to say I'm closer to being right than I have ever been)
The great thing about people in this program is that they didn't let me sink into pitty, yes it's tough, but I'm not the only one who has ever or will ever have to go thru this. I was reminded I tend to thrive on chaos, even when it's not something I started. I was given focus on what I did have control over, reminded that I could do some leg work and then turn it over to God/HP and I have. Now I look around and YUCK, I have to pick up and keep going. I've got a ton of things to do -- that aught to keep me busy enough to keep my mind off what might/could/probably will (oh, am I projecting??) .... I should go clean something. That will also keep me from rambling about my saga w/ my AH -- you know how when the focus is not on them, they like to give you a reason to focus on them... you get the drift. ah, well thanks for letting me ramble.
I so understand some of what you have been dealing with.My mom is 91 and has dementia as well.She lives an hour away from me and and hour away from my other sister who helps me with her.She refuses to give up her apartment but she really needs to live with someone.
It's good that your mom has your dad to talk to.My mom is a very private person,she does not mix with her neighbors.She is alone so much and gets so into herself and her problems.Whenever one of us visits or calls she will start out sounding sick or depressed.But by the time we leave or hang up she is happy and laughing.I know she would do better living with someone,and all her daughters have offered to take her in,even her grandson and his wife.She just will not do it.
She is terrified of storms and terrified of power outages.
She did agree to let my sister put her on a list for another assisted living apartment which would be closer to both of us.That will certainly help with the drive.
I am doing as you did,I am turning it over to HP.I was trying to do everything for her,never let her be scared or uncomfortable but I realize that is not possible and I was killing myself.I know God is looking after her and I am doing the best I can without sacrificing my serenity.If I am in a bad way I cannot help her.
So hang in there.You are doing the right thing taking care of yourself.
There is no Right answer to these aging problems, I'm convinced.
We do the best we can, and let it go, just like you did. Bless your heart for trying hard to help your parents. Now, don't beat up on yourself one minute.
Glad you're back with us. It is so hard to take care of a parent that is sick. Remember to be extra good to yourself. You're doing the best you can, and your parents are lucky to have you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
