I lost in court - Al-Anon Family Group

Freatlast · Veteran Member

I lost in court

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

I can feel your pain, when you work for yourself something like this is dreadful. I will say prayers for you and I found that in court, unfortunately I never got justice, I just got law.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Freatlast)))

I'm sorry you are going through. Its doesn't seem fair. Too bad our judicial system is set up in such away that does not hold accountability where it needs too. Hang in there, HP will show you a way to get your needs met too. One day at a time.

Twinmom~

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Freeatlast))))))))))

Although it is a difficult time you are going through. I noticed your sign on name, Free at Last, how wonderful is that. When things are tough for me, and they are pretty tough right now, I try to remember "Let go and Let God" I also believe in Karma.....hang in there, believe that your higher power will provide and guide you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs Mary

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

I can hear your pain and fear in your post. I just went through a similiar experience. First of all I would like to ask did you have legal councel to help you? The end result does not sound fair in the least to me, however I dont know all the statistics. I know for me I am married and had been for over 30 years so when it came down to it , everything was divied in half, including that he made more money than I did, so therefore he is to pay spousal support, and I am in Canada (if that makes a difference). If you did not have leagal councel I would certainly recommend you get a consultation just to see what rights you have before the event becomes stale. Good Luck.

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Free))))),

You are in my prayers hun. HP does provide for us. Sometimes it is hard to maintain the faith, but sometimes that is all we have.

Stay strong and keep working your program.

Yours in recovery,

Dolphin123

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you are mad and frustrated and scared too I bet.

For me I don't know what hp and your ex have to do with each other.

It is becuz when we deal with the A at all there are going to be problems. If we leave them, to me, it is better to leave them all the way and expect nothing.

You know judges have to answer to someone too. Find out who and request an investigation. This does not sound right at all.

You can call the courts to ask who to speak or write to.

Keeping the A out of it, Do you have any money for a down payment? There are companies now who will work with you even if your credit is bad. The interest is awful at first, but goes down if you make the payments.

Ya do the footwork and HP brings the outcome. The point of faith is to have it no matter what. Even if your house is burning down, you feel a sense of everything will be ok becuz hp will take care of me.

That is my experience.

I am sad you went thru this, however problem solve how to fix the obstacle.

There is a group called Freecycle all over. See if you have it in your town. There are people who will give away an older pickup or whatever to help you. Or rent you their second vehicle.

At least to keep ya going! Are you involved in a church? I think it is the salvation army that helps people who have good driving records, to help them get a vehicle to work.

Again, I would do the foot work and go after this judge. Did you have an attorney? Did that person bring up anything???? If you did not get to say your side, something is very wrong. Bring it out to his/ her superiors!!!

hugs,debilyn

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a nasty divorce, and it wasn't fair either. Ex pretty well cleaned out the house, but I didn't care, as long as the kids and I had a bed to sleep in and a roof over our heads. The main thing I wanted was him out of my life.

I hadn't worked for years, but ended up getting a high-paying job, with very hard physical work. I paid my mortgage off, and now I will have something to leave my family. He showed his true self through the divorce, and I don't regret a thing.

My HP was there, all the way. I am a lot better off now, than I ever was during my marriage, even though I am with an A. Now, I am seriously considering living on my own, and getting rid of ALL the heartaches and stress, period!

Don't forget HP has a plan for us, we may not understand at the moment, but hopefully, someday we will. HP has blessed me in so many ways, I have a wonderful family who loves me very much, my very own home, and all you folks here at MIP.

Things will get better, have faith. In the meantime, take care of you, with much love and compassion, TLC

sld488 · Senior Member

What an aweful situation you are in. I am so sorry.

I noticed in your post you wrote "almost ex". I take it the divorce is not final yet. Even though the judge did not find in your favor, you can appeal his decision. As debilyn said do the footwork, know your rights http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/ is a good place to start. You don't have to have a lawyer but I highly recomend it. If you can't afford one http://www.lawhelp.org/ might help.

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((freatlast)))

My sister is going thru a divorce and I tell ya without her attorney,she would have NOTHING! Her soon to be ex would take everything.She did not even know she could get spousal support,the lawyer told her that.He has to pay that and he has to continue paying the bills he was paying until the final court decision.

Her A ex has tried several schemes to keep my sister from getting anything and every time the attorney burst his bubble.My sister just started a new job and does not have alot of money,but they have land and a house,all tied up in the settlement.I think her lawyer is working with her on the payment of the lawyer's fee.It may be part of the final settlement too.

I highly recommend getting an attorney.You have to look after yourself.Don't let him take everything from you.As someone else said you can appeal,but get a lawyer who knows how to handle that and will look out for YOUR interests.

You did right to reach out here.HP is looking out for you.

love and hugs drucilla

-- Edited by drucilla06 at 18:02, 2006-08-18

Freatlast · Veteran Member

Thank you all for your replies. We were only married for a year, with nothing invested or shared. I was with him almost 5 years. I never trusted him so I kept a separate. There's no way I can afford an attorney and there's really nothing to argue over. Yes, I would love to see some money, but I truly feel that it's more important to just be rid of him. He is a sick man. A vindictive man. I want nothing, just out. The problem I'm having is trusting in a HP I feel like a child in a woman's body. I have trouble with trust. It's not something that comes easily to me. Plus, where I really get stuck is why should a HP listen to me? I am nothing. I am no one. True, I have people who love me, who think I'm something. But in my heart I feel like nothing. Who am I to ask for help? This is the rub. This is my sticking point.

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((freatlast))))

Why should HP listen to ANY of us? We ignore him,take him for granted,some even curse him and blame everything on him.

All I know is He does listen.He is listening to you.He is only interested in what is best for you.However HP will not force anything on us.We have to ask and actually let Him work in our lives,that is the reason for Step 3.( made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God,as we understood him)We can completely leave him out of our lives,our decisions,our choices.I know I have done that and sometimes still do when I try to run everything my way.But I also have learned that when I do turn it over to him and ask for his help my life goes so much better.

The founders of AA and Alanon knew this.We come here with unmanageable lives and slowly learn to turn it over to our HP and our lives improve.We find serenity.

Who are you to ask for help? You are a human being with feelings,desires,needs.You are an amazing creation,unique and individual.It is an awesome thing when you realize that a power greater than you really cares what goes on in your life and will actually come to your assistance to the extent that you let him.We see it every day in Alanon.

You are also a memeber of MIP.Your experience,strength and hope is important to this group.Even when you think you are just venting you are actually helping someone.

I hope you will stick around and stay with Alanon.There is hope.It does get better.You have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.It distorts our thinking.Maybe you haven't met your HP yet.You will find him in this program.

love and hugs drucilla

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I am glad that you came here. I know if and when I leave the A he will make sure I have nothing and try to take everything. They are a very very selfish lot. I also know they have a thing about being manipulative and looking good. I know my A (although he is certainly not mine by any accounts) is incredibly good at playing victim. He can portray me as a real witch.

I think anticipating that is a hard sell. I also think we get plain worn out and tired of their stuff and that does not portray us too well in the public eye. I am sure it must all seem too much at the moment. At the same time you now have this man out of your life and that in the long run will give you some space and time to process. I cannot think of a better place to do it than here.

I also can empathise with feeling totally emotionally exhausted after dealing with an A (although I do know they are not the same) I feel that way a great deal of the time. The A I live with is is, like his mother, totally self absorbed. There is simply no room for anything else but his issues and his life and everything else is peripheral.

Maresie.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Freatlast, I read the anger and frustration in your post, and I understand your feelings. THings aren't supposed to happen this way. Someone said that the law does not always mean "justice." I need to remember that, because it is so true. I wish I could magically make it better, but I cannot. Can only be here to listen and offer a kind word, a hug, and a hope that things will get better.

Diva

((((((((((((((((((Freatlast))))))))))))))))))))))))))

-- Edited by Diva at 22:23, 2006-08-18

Freatlast · Veteran Member

Thank you all for you very kind replies. They mean a lot. I made a decision today and felt a wonderful peace behind it. I will pursue nothing in the divorce. I will just let happen what will happen. I want nothing as I will gain nothing by keeping this man in my world by accepting support. He has a long history of abusing good women. I will not be his last victim. I know I've affected him. I know he will come to sorely regret his actions. You reap what you sow. His problem, no longer mine. I know it's going to be a hard row. I know I'm in for the hardest battle of my life. Finding out who I am and what I'm capable of. Scary stuff. I'm sitting here now wondering what I'll do tomorrow without a car. Will I be able to pay the rent, the bills. What will I do? Scared, yes I'm scared. Loneliness sits on my shoulder. I am not good alone. I've never really been alone. I need to be alone. Maybe this is my HP? Taking me in directions I've never been. Trying to make we wake up to being a grown up. I am no longer a child in women's shoes. I can be the Barefoot Contessa! LOL I have to learn to be a woman, then I can learn to act like one and hold my head up, maybe even come to like myself a bit. I'm scared. Can I do this on my own?

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

Dont give up, 6 years together should warrant something! Get mad and fight for your rights! I too wanted to just give up and say I give in, BUT, I also had to take care of myself and my future ,,,,,and with the help of others encouraging me, I did what I had to do to. My husband the A wanted everything and wanted to leave me with nothing, but , I fought not only him but the disease as well. You have to consider your own welfare at this point, get legal aid, borrow money do what you have to do, but dont give up. Let me tell you it was scary, I borrowed money from family , took out loans, which I am still paying. I then couldnt afford the lawyer anymore and represented myself in court. If I had not taken these steps to protect myself, I would not be here today in my own home, living a reasonbley well life, as I would not have the money or the means to rent a place as I dont have a good paying job. Finally , and foremost, DO NOT give up on yourself or your dreams!

Freatlast · Veteran Member

Not 6 years gardengal. 5, only one of those years married. We lived in an apartment (which I have). We had nothing invested together. Nothing, as he didn't work for 2.5 of those years. I have nothing to gain by fighting. The only thing I have to fight for now is my peace of mind, my road to me. That's worth more than any amount of money I could possibly get from him. The only thing I'm entitled to in this land of injustice to women is holding on to and getting to know me. Finding out that I'm worth more than gold. This is my journey. This is my objective.

peewee · Senior Member

freatlast, I'm so sorry for the treatment you got in court. Injustice really bothers me, especially when two men (judge and A) gang up on you in that chauvanistic way. It's just wrong.

However, Debilyn had some good suggestions in my opinion if you want to pursue this.

Now I have read your response that you only want to preserve your sanity and go for your own mental freedom. What a great attitude. This will help you so much, I believe, as I have done the same thing in another situation. I read a quote somewhere that fit my situation just perfectly: Expect nothing and life will be velvet. At first this sounds like a loser attitude, but in the case of an impossible conflict, it helped me stay sane and even happy for the most part. I see injustice, but it won't make me bitter, with hp's help.

Keep on......

Peewee

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