The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I began my own recovery journey from alcoholism and drug addiction in 1987. I have also had a lot of therapy - like 17 years - to deal with depression, anxiety and avoidance issues. It's been long hard road, but worth every step. I am well employed and own my own condo now, which is paid for.
About five years ago, I met a very nice man and we began dating. Our temperments were very similar and we had lot of fun together. We became very close and eventually married about 3 years ago. This is my first marriage and I felt emotionally safe and very loved. This is his second marriage. I thought my life was wonderful and that we had an open and healthy relationship. About 6 months ago, I discovered that my husband gambles. I had no idea. He kept this a secret from me. He never had much money - but now I know why! I was really shocked. Flabergasted. Here I was, pretty healthy, or so I thought, and I ended up marrying an addict. I thought we were playing by the same rules. I guess not. We keep our finances separate, thank goodness.
I started attending al-anon and gam-anon meetings in February. I told my husband that I didn't want addiction in my life. He began to attend gam-anon meetings. But lately, as I have gotten more detached around his stuff, he's stopped going. He's seeing a therapist, but he told me that it wasn't for the gambling issues. Basically, I'm not seeing any recovery on his part.
Our third anniversary is tomorrow morning and he doesn't have enough money to take us out, so he's putting it off until he can afford it. I feel disappointed. He could have planned better. Also, I find I'm getting suspicious again about his gambling. I simply don't know if he's gambling or not. I don't trust him around this issue. I like to think he isn't, but that just leads me into my own denial. I'm going to a meeting instead tomorrow night.
I am realizing that he probably doesn't have any intention of facing reality around his gambling. He doesn't think he's an addict. I know from my own experience that I can't make him see the light. That has to be his decision and I don't want him to do it for me. I want him to do it for him. I am also realizing that I think it's time for me to start seriously considering a separation. The fact that he's not moving in the direction of sobriety and the emotional health tells me that he may not be ready for it - and for my life, I need serenity and honesty. I am not going to start making false threats. If I decide this is what's best for me, I'm going through with it.
The hard part is that this is the sweetest kindest man I've ever known. He's loved me as no other person has ever loved me. I've been really happy and the prospect of being alone again is sickening to me. But I don't want addiction in my life.
He won't talk to me about gambling - and I'm sincerely trying not work his program. I just think it may be time I started seriously working my own program so that I can lead a healthy life. I"d prefer it with him, but I can't make him change.
Any thoughts or feedback? It's only been 6 months since the gambling was revealed. Should I give it more time? Am I being too rash?
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great strength, hope, experience, wisdom and humor (good for the heart).
When we first start on this journey of recovery, we are reminded not to make any life altering decisions for at least 6 months - 1 year. But how can we not? I asked a sponsor that, and they told me it was a way of saying, "Stop. Take a deep breath. Then focus on your recovery." I asked my husband to leave because he had relapsed so many times that I couldn't do it anymore. That was well short of me being here for a year. I am thankful that I found the strength to do that. Now he is in recovery and I need my program even more.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if your husband is in recovery or still active. You must not loose yourself in his disease. But I suspect you already know that.
I know how hard missing an anniversary can hurt. When I think back at the holidays that hubby missed because he was drinking, it makes my heart sick. I have the sweetest, most loving, kind wonderful man, and I know that if he hadn't been active, he would have found a way not to miss our special days. But it's the addiction that takes them away from us, as well as from themselves.
You have some tough decisions ahead. Do what is best for you. Congratulations on your recovery. It's a long hard path, and you have alot to be proud of. Take good care of yourself. Keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome! I understand your dilemna, my exhusband was a gambling addict, still is, but he will never admit. He plays cards once a week with his buddies and is always broke. I pray he will admit his addiction and recover but chances are very slim.
He is a great father to our children and has so many good qualities. I also felt safe with him. We divorced 8 years ago when our youngest child was 2, he was devastated. Unfortunately, my feelings for him had changed and no longer loved him like a wife should love her husband. Personally, I just could not deal with living paycheck to paycheck, bouncing checks, always being broke, etc. I did not have a program of recovery at the time, just my Codependent No More book! Ha!
Continue to keep the focus on your needs, turn it over to your HP and the answers will come. Try not to obsess over his disease and the shortcomings it brings to his life-no money for dinner. Because that is the disease, not him. I am sure you already know that-
Thank you both very much for your replies and experience and comfort. I so appreciate them.
I am going to turn it over. Let the answers come. Work on my stuff, my enabling behavior and my tendency to lapse into LaLa land where I think everything's fine.
It's weird about this gambling stuff. D. is not what you'd think a gambler would be like. He's very conflict avoidant, shy, quiet, empathetic, tender-hearted. Perhaps it's like when I used cocaine many years ago; for a little while I felt confident and strong and like I was "somebody".
Without the drug, I felt unimportant, unworthy and inadequate and powerless. I know that my husband has a huge hole in his soul - and I can only hope he will one day ask for help.
At this point in time, I am not so sure this marriage will work out - but I am going to give it more time. I will keep in touch.
Babz, G again, yes,with time you will know one way or the other whats best for you, he sounds like a good man, maybe he will hit his bottom soon! Cause sounds as if he has a great person like you in his corner! Will be thinking of you-keep in touch, G
I had a good weekend and did a lot of feeling and thinking; I need to take care of myself and have decided to stop paying for some things; like his tuition and such. Don't need to go all black/white and end the marriage yet. But stopping enabling is key for me so I don't get resentful.
