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I need some advise, I do not know where else to turn. I met a guy about 3 months ago, (I will call him Shane) I fell very hard and very fast for him. He is one of those guys that you pray will come along, the kind that gives you butterflies in your stomach everytime you think about him. I met him through some mutual friends, recently one of the mutual freinds confided in me that Shane was an alcoholic and that he moved here because he lost his job due to his disease and ended a relationship because his partner would not let him return after he quit a rehab program for the second time. His Ex truely loves him and they spent 7 years together, his ex really wants things to turn around for him and for them to reunite. So I find myself in between a rock and a hard place. My friend does not want me to divulge that I know this information, for fear that it would cause a hardship between the two of them. I know he has been drinking, and I am pretty sure that he does it during the day. Should I talk with him about it? I have tried to steer conversations in that direction, but the answers are ussually vague. I truely care for him, I want to be with him, but when the dust settles am I truely the person that he wants to be with or are his feelings for me just a manifestation of his need to feel accepted? Do I stick this out, or do I cut and run? I really do not know what to do, I would appreciate any advise anyone could offer.
My dear one, the best thing you could do for you and this entire situation is cut and run!! OK, that's said. If you decide to stay and have a life which could be unstable, unhappy, and unhealthy, talking to him about his problem is not going to do you or him any good. Get familiar with AlAnon, which you can do right here, and learn how to deal with his addiction.
Welcome to MIP. I hope that you will put us on your "favorites" list and come back often.
With caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
What concerns me the most is that you heard the info 2nd hand. Whenever I hear information not from the source, it makes me weary-he said/she said. I would ask--cautiously, not confrontationally--about his background. His previous relationships. Does he blame? Does the women come across looking like "whores?" Listen carefully--your gut knows the answer.
You know in your heart somethign isn't right. Otherwise, love, you wouldn't be reaching out for help.
Welcome to MIP. I can't tell you what you should do in this case. I know that I would not get involved in this. But that's me, and we are not living each other's lives. I know that I would not get involved again in an alcoholic relationship if the person was still active. It's too much for me.
I agree (as always) with Diva. Educated yourself about this disease. Take some time to really think about what it is that you want in life and from a relationship. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. It took my husband and I being friends for 20 years before we realized that it was suppose to be more! As trite as it sounds, the right love is worth waiting for.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
HI and welcome. I was in the crazy 60's and 70's. Many people used drugs.
So almost all if not every guy I was close to, was an A or used something.
I have seen it a million times. Guys who get pushed out by the woman they love becuz of aism, and seeing them use other women as they cont. to use. Then if they get cleaned up, they go back to the woman who pushed them away.
My own husband A did that. I sent him away for ten years. He got sober, was in AA, a sponsor was a good man. He left the woman who he'd been with and came back to me. He had left her for months before he came to me, but I am sure it was part of his plan as he got on program.
I said how could you do that to her? He said simply, "I didn't love her."
She is a good person too.
It's hard becuz your heart is caught up in him. But he is a very, very sick person if what you have been told is true. Just the fact of how much he drinks tells ya there is a problem.
Aism gets so much worse as they get older. I have watched my husband since he was 17, he is 54 now. Tears my guts out. I wish I had not been in love with him all my life. But I have been.
If I knew, what I know now, would not want to know him, or care about him. We have a son I adore however so I do my best not to allow myself any regrets with him.
You are the only one who knows if you can walk away. Emotions are horribley strong.
NO one can tell me there is no such thing as love at first sight. I can still remember the first time I layed eyes on him, and we played frizzbee. He still feels like part of me when I hug him. I cannot feel him as separate. Sometimes I don't think I can survive with out him. But alanon saves me.
Take in all the information you can about alcoholism. An A will choose drugs over you and everything else every time if they are using.
If he gets sober, since he met you using, he may not have the feelings you think he does.
Alcoholics are horribly good liars, probably becuz they are so sick they believe themselves.
I would love to say, oh just break it off now. But emotions don't work like that. IF you can do that and choose to great.
Hey in this circumstance, you bet I would talk to him. Not in a blaming way. But in an adult way, becuz you care and your best friend is involved, YOU.
Keep posting, we already care about you! love,debilyn
I was in your shoes exactly one year ago, a little different on the details but let me share it. My new bf had been sober 3 months, he was the sweetest, most caring, and seemed to love me so much. Well, he relasped after 3 months of us dating. Now, I know that he and I should have never entered into that relationship, he was in early recovery and sick and I was very codependent, I had just started al anon. We were both emotionally and spiritually sick.
I wanted to save him when he relasped and did all the things I know now I should have never done, he continued to drink and drug really hard and he was not the man I met, we stopped speaking. I threw myself into this wonderful program of recovery. I let him go and prayed for him. Four months ago, he hit rock bottom, he contacted me....said he wanted help or he was going to die, very true. He went back to rehab and has been sober 4 months. We are friends but not in a romantic relationship, we talk when we run into each other at meetings. We plan to go for coffee soon but no way can either of us risk our recovery for a romantic relationship. We are learning to learn ourselves and keep the focus on our recovery.
If you want to help him, let him go, only he can get himself sober.
Take a hard look at why his ex let him go. keep comin back and keep us updated.
I have seen it a million times. Guys who get pushed out by the woman they love becuz of aism, and seeing them use other women as they cont. to use. Then if they get cleaned up, they go back to the woman who pushed them away.
You know what? I agree with Debilyn...
I too have seen this pattern. Most alcoholics don't like to be alone, they often need an enabler or at least an admirer and women are easy targets for this. The fact that you say he gives you butterflies and all that and is the "sort of guy you pray for" sounds too good to be true...after only THREE MONTHS. It takes time to really see people's qualities. It sounds like this guy is doing what my husband did when we were separated, telling a woman whatever they want to hear, what they know women like to hear, to make them fall hard and fast.
My poor husband isn't very good at interpersonal relationships so he fell a little short. He admitted to me that he was trying to find a woman who would support him while he divorced me and let him live with her for free, LOL. He tried everything, telling ugly fat old (but rich) women they were beautiful and that he was old enough (35) to see what really counted and to be "realistic" about how "real" woman look and stuff, and listening to their complaints, but he did not quite make it, LOL, he was still a little too rough around the edges.
I have met some real charmers in my day and my husband isn't one of them, so I totally believe that lots of men are a lot more successful at this stuff than he was.
A seven year relationship sounds pretty serious to me, and the fact that she pushed him out, rather than him dumping her sounds even more like your heart is getting ready to be broken.
Lots of men use women to prop them up when they are in a depressing situation. They know how to turn on the charm when they need to, and most men know what women like to hear by the time they reach adulthood.
Men turning on the charm and making themselves be what YOU want them to be is pretty hard to resist, that is why you hear so many reports about smart, educated women being swindled by charmers and con artists, so I don't know if this is helping you any.
At least try to go into this with your eyes open, knowing the risks, so if it happens you don't feel like you never saw it coming.
Would that it were that easy, jmr, to run for the hils. I would have done that a couple of times myself! Glad you are here. Just by seeing your words in writing may help you decide what is best for you. All I know is alcoholism is very hard to live with. Those of us who do stay in a relationship with an A, well, for me, there is true love there.
Sounds like you've got your work cut out for you with this one. What with an ex, keeping a secret about knowing, trying to deal with how you feel. Whew. I believe in love at true sight, I had that with my AH, never had it with anyone else. And I still do, after knowing him 28 years.
The best I can offer you is to invite you to keep coming back here, no matter what you decide. It will help you in all aspects of your life. Otherwise, dealing with an A is too much for most of us.
7 years is a long time to be with his former partner, and maybe the partner is doing whatever he can do to make the A get better. Well, I mean to make it possible for the A to get better. To give him the freedom to find his own course. There is so much pain and sorrow and confusion whenver alcohol is involved.
Best wishes for you, jmr, hope things turn out the way that is best for you.
I have to say that I agree with Diva here. The only advice there is is to cut and run.
The truth is this....It doesn't matter how much love, understanding and support you provide this man. He will never become "cured" of alcoholism. If he gets/stays sober he will continue to have the "isms". You don't have to drink to be an alcoholic. Drinking is a symptom of alcoholism, not the cause.
I got into a relationship and found out over 2 years in that she was an alcoholic. Much as I love my partner, god help me but sometimes I wish I had never met her.
An alcoholic partner can knock out all the compassion, empathy and feeling from a relationship and there is not a blind thing you will be able to do about it. Love does not cure alcoholism. The hardest thing you will find is that you are totally powerless to affect their issues. Detachment is a cruel mistress.
If you do decide to stick in there then you WILL need support...AlAnon support. A lot of people think they can handle it on their own, I used to, we were wrong.
Good luck in whatever decision you arrive at. You are not the first person to find themself in this situation. There is a lot of support available to you both on this board and at local meetings. Keep coming back.
