The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, here lately I've really felt like I've been dealt a really crappy hand in life. I was sexually abused as a child, as a teenager I dealt with an alcoholic mother, and in my adult life I am faced with polycystic ovary syndrome. Am I unlucky or am I magnet for bad things to happen? I am now into my 7th almost 8th year of marriage and I'm wanting kids now. I figured I'm getting my emotional state taken care of, I'm getting less stressed and happier. Now I discover my PCOS. My fertility is in the balance!! I am surrounded by people having babies or had babies and I am the last one now. My friend is in her 8th month and she had her baby shower the other day and I just wanted to run and never go back. Then of course someone had to ask, "when are you having one, its about time ain't it?" AAAAHHHHHHH!! I wanted to rip her head off and put it back on backwards!!! I just shrugged and said it just hasn't happened yet. I'm doing what I can to combat my pcos symptoms. I'm exercising daily to lower my testosterone and lose weight, I'm taking my meds, but the one thing that hinders me in everything I do..... I am impatient. I want results yesterday, not today, not tomorrow, yesterday. I need to control this and just don't know how. I know I need to keep my cool and be patient but I don't know how. This comes from all the promises that my mom had promised and never delivered on. So now as an adult, if I can't get it now, I give up on it. I feel selfish and stupid, but angry depressed and just plain out envious now. I've been thinking about kids since february (when I found out I had pcos). I had read that it often causes infertility, but I also read the successes of pregnancy even with pcos. I am just so confused. Sometimes I feel like giving up and sometimes I wanna just keep pushing for the goal. I feel like I'm caught inside a twister and I don't know where I'm going to to land!! My friends pregnancy has really stirred up these feelings. We found out she was pregnant in March, I had thought about kids (quietly to myself) in February. I just don't know what to think, to do, how to feel, how to think. I'm happy for my friend and the others that have kids and I love their kids, but I am just waiting for the news, nope can't have kids. I am full of dread and fear. My hubby calls me a pessimist (LOL he's right), but I do try to be optimistic I just can't get my hopes up, just to be told NO. I also learned this growing up. Sorry for such a long post, but I just have a lot bottled right now and it needs to get out. I don't want kids because everybody has them, its just that the time is right for us now. Adoption is a always there, but I want to have one kid at least of ours together. I want to see him as a father, he's so good with kids. It saddens me to think that it won't be possible to have a baby with him. He'd make such a great father. I'm angry at the world I guess. This post just keeps getting longer and longer so I'll stop typing now. I've said my piece and now I'm just babbling on.
I take this one day at a time because that is all I can do.
All I know is that HP has a plan for us. And as much and I know that is true, sometimes I don't like to put that into a reply to a post. Those words that HP has a plan, can bring comfort or it can bring resentment.
I don't have ESH on this from personal experience. I won't pretend to know what you are going through. I can offer you hugs, support and a loving ear whenever you need.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Man your story is exactly mine. I've got PCOS too. Have they started you on the Glucophage/Avandia cycle? That's helped alot of us lose the weight and those that want to, have children. I've been on the Glucophage/Avandia thing for years now, made a huge difference in my energy.
I hate people that talk about the future too. Only for me it's "when are you graduating" and "what are your plans for afterword". It's like "Why do you need to know?"
I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. I can't imagine wanting children so badly and just wondering what the news is for you healthwise. But, remember that things happen if they were meant to. I try to remember in trying times that things happen to test your patience and faith. Take some time to quiet down, learn to meditate and pray. Your anger will be calmed, if not ceased.
Someone said somewhere that if they stray too much from meditation and prayer, they are irritable and quick to anger. It is true for me. Sometimes the best things in life take patience, and we have to turn them over to God. Really surrender. You said you wanted control over this situation. Maybe it is time that you leave the control to HP, let it go. I know it is a hard thing to do, but results seem to happen when you let go of expectations.
Just some thoughts. Prayers and hugs for you at this time.
You said "Adoption is always there, but..." If you are considering adoption well, I would like to share. I am adopted. And would like to share with you what my (not biological but "real") parents shared with me of their experence.
They had been married and tried having a baby for almost 7 years before a doctor told them they could not (for some reason on my fathers side). My parents told me after a lot of praying and soul-searching, they decided to adopt. (that's where I come in )
Ever since I can remember I've knowing I was adopted. I grew up knowing I was loved because I was chosen. Not planned on or by accident but chosen by my parents. My mother would tell me "You might not be my blood but are the fruit of my labor" meaning she was the one that was there when I said my 1st words, took my 1st steps, up all night when I was sick, started school, cried over boyfriends, graduated school and encouraged me to be what I wanted to be.
Yes, as a teenager I was curious about my biological parents. Who do I look like? Do I have her hair, his eyes? Normal questions for the adopted. But I choose not to find them. I know they had their reason to give me up for adoption. And I am grateful they chose to give me life. I am completely satisfied with HP decision to place me and my parents together.
Adoption was all part of His plan.
Also my Aunt (fathers sister) once told me, she had tried for 8 yrs to have a baby then decided they would adopted. Before the adoption was finalized, the biological mother had changed her mind. My Aunt and Uncle were devestated but decided to turn it over to God. Within the week they found out they were pregnant. (Miracles do still happen) My Aunt said that once they had decided to let go and let God they realized it was all part of Gods plan and His timing is always perfect.
Thanks ya'll for the responses. I've not given the control over yet. To be honest I hadn't really even thought about it. Wow, that is a heartwarming and wonderful story. Yeah I do suppose miracles still happen. I guess patience is so very important.
Sometimes I just get down in the dumps and other times I know I am doing what I can. Thanks everybody :). I didn't expect to find anybody here that had pcos, but I am happy I did. I must now think hard on the idea of surrendering. This is hard for me because I have a control thing I can't seem to get over. Anyway, Thanks for everything! Nice to know when you need to vent or holler, that there are people listening and understanding you. Sorry I hadn't posted in a while. We have been busy doing some house redecorating/work and I've been bummed about my pcos and I've been lazy! Anywho, I do feel better and I thank ya'll for it.
Sweetie, I can see that your idea of yourself is not a patient person just from looking at your screen name. Can you begin to see yourself aligned with your Higher Power? The serenity prayer asks for courage to change the things we can. Can you slowly come to see yourself as a patient grown-up? I look forward to seeing you work through this. Take care -- Jill
My life CERTAINTLY isn't what I planned or wanted either. Sounds trival but I amreminded of that expression LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHILE WE ARE BUSY MAKING OTHER PLANS.
I was diagnosed years ago. I have had a few complications because of the condition and side effects from it. Mine is very progressive. I too wanted to have more children. But I have to say I have been very blessed in my life. I got pregnant with my son in my early adult life. Which I am finding out was a miracle in itself. But the way I look at it now. Is when my HP wants me to have another child he will find a way for me to there are so many options available. It is hard because if I had my way I would have had a bunch of children. But it wasn't as he intended for me. But this is a doubled edged sword for me. Because of this I have a hard time with self convidence. For me finding out I wasn't 100% was really hard for me. It meant I wasn't invencible (sp?) that I had flaws. I was very insecure about my idenity as a woman. I felt how can any man love me if I can't give them children. Felt almost like damaged goods. This was how I used to think. But now I see things differently. The way I see it now is "I am only given what I can handle, even if at sometimes it seems unbearable, if we were all the same then what fun would that be. I like being different, makes me feel unique and special. My condition doesn't make me who I am it just defines me as a person." But most of all know you are not in this alone. Nothing but blessings for you on your journey of discovery of you.
) 
One Day at a time,