The material presented
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I was in a real funk yesterday. But I feel much better now...
Drucilla's post about the other side of the coin stumped me yesterday. I had a long list of things I really love about my wife, and I scratched them off one by one saying at least she used to be that way, but not any more.
I vented my frustration with that to my new sponsor.... (he's a brave soul! LOL)
I woke up on the other side of the bed today and was very receptive to what he had to say. I realized that the good parts of her are still there. They don't show up as often, but they are not gone. Burried under sarcasm maybe, but not gone.
She was always very compassionate to children and those in distress. When she expresses that now, then doesn't do anything about it I have been viewing that as "... not compassionate any more..."
Well that's not true, she is just not capable anymore of following through on it. Doesn't mean she doesn't feel for them.
She is considerate and loving, then says something sarcastic and hateful. My focus on the negative (all the energy I use to detatch and not react) takes my attention away from the good she tried to do.
It's there, I just have to be open to seeing it. So I guess my goal today is not to heap things on either side of a scale and see which side wins.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello rt . on a bad day Ifound having a gratitude list on the things i liked about my husb helped me alot. A physical one , one I could take out and read cause left in m y head the negative always comes out first and I over look the many nice things I truly do love about him.
Sit with a coffee , pen and paper and see what u come up with . Louise
You are so right about the not following through thing. It is tough to see glimpses of the way the As used to be, then the obvious inability to carry through and really be their true selves. To me it is maybe so sad that I don't want to stick around to see the total annhiliation of what my AH used to be.
Anyway, on a more positive note, yes, to make a list is probably good. After all, we fell in love with these children of God, and we know they have great qualities otherwise we wouldn't be hoping and praying for recovery. They are doing the best they can right now with what they have, and until their HP steps in and makes changes in their lives, they truly are suffering, and we need to see the best in them just for today.
Gratitude is becoming my corner stone these days. Sometimes we see so little of each other, because of my work schedule and his. He's been doing alot of interventions, spending more time with his children and trying to make up for the past that we're like ships passing in the night. I can feel a bit left out. But then I remember that this life is a far better one, than having him here passed out. Physically he may have been here, but emotionally he was gone. I'd far rather see less of him, knowing that he's sober than going back to having a passed out husband any day of the week. We have to count our blessings where we see them. Thanks for the reminder.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Gosh, I feel your pain.... have been there too... looking at the person sleeping next to me, wondering who he was -- so different from the person I fell in love with...
I once heard a minister say "Hate the sin, love the sinner." Not that I am a religious person, but it made me think. In our situation, my husband is an addict. I used to think I hated him when he was using. He acted like such a you-know-what when he wasn't using and when he was using, he wasn't available b/c he was stoned. When he got clean and sober, we went to a couples' meeting, an AA meeting w/ al-anon participation. I learned alot about the disease of alcoholism and addiction. I learned that he had a disease. And when I remembered what that minister said, I changed it to help me deal with my negative feelings about my AH: "hate the disease, love the person." And now, when I see my husband acting out in a certain way, I know it's the addict part of him -- the disease influencing his thoughts, attitudes, tone of voice, sarcasm, and behavior. When he (still nowadays, after being clean and sober for 3 years) starts acting like an a%#, I know it is the disease, not him. I usually can confront him about it now and tell him that the way he sometimes treats me and the kids is the old addict rearing its ugly head -- and I teel him to go to a meeting, pray, read literature, call your sponsor (and I try to do the same). When he was using, though, I couldn't confront him -- well, I did, but he didn't listen of course... lol.
I also think that when people drink/use, they put up a mask to hide who they really are. The mask my husband wore had many facets: anger, defensiveness, rudeness, self-righteousness, denial to name a few. When that mask is up, I know it b/c I'm talking to someone who isn't listening, doesn't respond, is rude, is loud - yells and gets upset over little things, self-absorbed, selfish, etc. When the mask is down, he is kind, a good listener and processes what I'm talking about and relates to it, compassionate, sensitive, polite, helpful, giving, patient, thoughtful, etc. That's the person I know and love. That's what I call the real Rick -- who he truly is.
I hate the disease of addiction no matter what the substance. It kills people, takes their personalities away and distorts them, makes them do unthinkable awful things... I can't imagine living in a body and mind that houses such a terrible disease. It (the disease) really is cunning and baffling. I often think the disease is a hateful, evil thing that seeks to destroy whoever it touches --the addict/alcoholic, the family, friends, the workplace, etc. I really, really HATE the disease. I hate what it did to my husband and I hate what it did to me and my family. I hate what it does to anyone who suffers from it. So, the feelings of hatred and distain are pretty real... as I felt those feelings I tried to remember to hate the disease not my hubbie.
I used to pray to God for compassion -- asked God to give it to me, because I really had it with my husband and I really didn't have it in me to be compassionate toward him. I also prayed that I would start to see my husband the way God sees my husband -- to see the things in him that were God-given gifts... and then I prayed that my hubbie would find his way to being clean and sober. God answered my first two prayers and I had to repeat those prayers many times through the years. It took him 9 years to find his place in NA and to reach his bottom. When he really started working the steps, the disease started to wane some and he took down the mask of defensiveness, anger, self-righteousness, etc. and I started to see him more and more.
One more thought: no one says "I want to be an alcoholic. I think I'll be an addict when I grow up." My husband didn't ask for this disease. It's not a choice to be an alcoholic or an addict. He just happens to have the biochemical makeup that makes him more prone to be physically addicted... that along with any junk in the trunk makes him an ideal target for the disease. I have alcoholics in my family; I have all the junk and baggage; I could easily be an alcoholic. But, I was the responsible child in my family and so I think that saved me a little...that and the grace of God, I am not inflicted with the disease of addiction. Anyone of us could be inflicted with a disease; we don't have control over diseases. This helped me have a sense of compassion for my husband. Now, he does have the responsibility of taking care of his disease -- just as anyone does who has a disease such as diabetes, cancer, or MS, etc... you know what I mean. He needs the treatment (NA/AA) as much as a diabetic needs to watch his blood sugar levels; it's all day, every day for the rest of his life.
Having compassion for someone who is using/drinking is very hard. Seeing their good qualities as you watch them destroy the person you love is very hard. This is where I think I need God's help the most.
It took alot of courage on your part to ask if you were discounting the good in your wife. You ask some very good, very hard questions.
