The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd love to hear you views on this one! I have been told in the past (few years ago) that I can be quite stubborn (your way or no way....was the quote). I agree I can be this way at times. I think I am more willing to consider other's viewpoints now though. I have learned a lot and grown in the past few years. I'm not sure this is a fair statement anymore. I think perhaps stubborness was a protection thing for me for a time.
Anyway, now i am setting boundaries for myself in my relarionship with my activeAbf (he keeps fooling himself he's trying to stop...but never gets past a week or two. I try not to get involved. I certainly don't say what I'd like to say!)
It seems we have different opinions about whats important in our relationship(mainly keeping private things private and not discussing them whatsoever with his drinking buddies is very important to me but not so to him). we keep arguing about this. I try to walk away from arguments ...detatch...when I can. But he is just so dismissive of my feelings. I think he really doesn't care less.
He says hes considerate of important things....(he's referring to petty nitpicking arguments we have had over the past few weeks...)...and implies that I'm being ridiculous about things.
I feel he is not even trying to consider my viewpoint and so my feelings. It's as if they are not important at all. Does he not have the ability to see this, or is he chosing not to see it, or am I blowing it all out of proportion.? I don't know...but it's getting me down...
I want to be happy, not arguing. I think he's preferring to be stubborn..than to be happy. maybe I'm expecting too much??? go on...tell me...I need to hear it!
This is a big issue at my house as well. I need to hear from him that I'm important but I also like him to actively listen and show interest in my needs, wants, and desires. He really believed he was doing that. I have learned recently that in his family people didn't ask how you were, and didn't care what your problem was or how you felt. His needs went unmet alot and he says he just grew used to not being asked how he was and didn't feel the need to pass out kudos when deserved either. Our family counselor validated that for him and gently let him know that this way of communicating is inappropriate. She asked me to start learning how to make straight forward requests for what I want. It has felt awkward but it has helped tremendously the last couple of weeks.
A's can be very selfish and self-absorbed and that can really stink. Hang in there.
ODAT,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You are NOT asking too much. It is only reasonable that he be considerate of you and your feelings. Boundaries = your way or no way. So if you are digging your heels in concerning boundaries, you must continue to do that.
I have some consideration issues with my A too, so I relate. We do not argue; ours is a placid, calm relationship, but still, he can sometimes be less than concerned with what I think is important.
One thing is sure...arguing over your A's lack of concern will not help. Hope this does.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My "A" has a lack of concern for me, my feelings, and my opinion of things. But he is an active "A". And for him if me, my feelings, and my opinions get in the way of his next drink or drugging then I am standing in the way of where his focus is. For him it is all about the next high. Even if something I am discussing has nothing to do with him, he can somehow relate it to him.
What helps me is to work my program and know that I am staying inside my hula hoop. Then, what he really thinks of me is just his reality, not mine. He sadly chooses to stay in his own little world of pain, misery, and addiction. Whenever he starts to reach for the door to leave that world his addict drags him back in.
That isn't fun to watch, but I have to keep reminding myself I have no control over it, and it is his fight not mine. All I can do is focus on me, and be ready to support him when finally turns the nob, and comes through the other side.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Am I expecting too much ? If he is still drinking Yes ! Alcoholism is a ver selfish disease and your feelings are the least of his concerns . He dosent understand about not talking to male friends about your relationship it's what guys do . If your trying to get a point across do it on a day that u know he is sober . It just might work. Louise
