The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been looking for any way to stay home with my A husband and have not been able to find one. I am so darn mad that he has taken my ability to stay home away from me that I could just scream. We live in the house he had before we were married and he is not about to leave so I guess I will. I would like to tell my husband that he had 21 days to learn and work on his program of getting healthy without me and since I was wrapped up in the family portion of his program then that I feel like I now need some time alone to go to meetings and work on my program. I don't want to get into you did/said this so I have to leave. I am not into fighting or arguing at all. I really do want to go to a meeting every night and not have to worry about dinner and the dishes before I leave and his sulky behavior when I get home. Have any of you ever just taken a break to work on yourself? I am not very hopeful that I would or could go back but I would like to leave the door open for a short time anyway. He is just out of treatment and I am sure that he drank yesterday (although he was not “drunk”). He has slipped in other ways that are just as concerning because they will lead to his full blown drinking for sure. He has not gone to one meeting, is quiet and very very depressed. I realize that I can not help him because even though he has been given the information and tools to change his life he is not willing to do the work. You see, being retired stays home during the day while I work and has time to talk on the phone. He is a huge liar and talks with at least two women. I know that he has them thinking they are his best friend and that he is well off and will help them any time they need. (I found out about 6 months ago when we refinanced our house that he had cosigned for a 5 year car loan for a “friend” over a year before.) I have to confess that I have had my hand on the phone to call every number in his secret phone book and tell them just what is what but have been able to restrain myself. Continuing to live with these lies and him getting positive strokes from these misinformed women is keeping us from walking towards a healthy recovery together. Too bad to because he is so miserable. But so am I and I choose not to be. I choose not to have the shakes, a knot in my gut, sleepless nights, and question my role as a wife. I am 60 years old and will not share my husband with alcohol or some other fool woman who doesn’t have enough sense to tell another woman’s husband to hit the road.
Its good to have you in this family. 60ish and recovering...aint it grand?
You have the ability (not just the right) to do for you what you need to. Might as well exercise the ability to go get healthy. Your alcoholic makes up his own decisions, all of em, and you are not responsible for the consequences of his choices only yours. If you don't go to meetings and hang around this recovering family what will the consequenses be?
I think you already made your "I" statements. "Too bad to because he is so miserable. But so am I and I choose not to be. I choose not to have the shakes, a knot in my gut, sleepless nights, and question my role as a wife. I am 60 years old and will not share my husband with alcohol or some other fool woman who doesn’t have enough sense to tell another woman’s husband to hit the road." You don't need excuses, just use your desire to get healthy.
I knew when I started following up on my "I don't gotta take this" statements and making positive changes for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health that I was accepting freedom from the disease and reaching out for the promises that Al-Anon offered.
You don't gotta accept the spiritual insecurity of living with an alcoholic and this cunning powerful and baffling disease. You don't gotta accept anything that threatens your peace of mind and serenity and disturbs your soul.
You just gotta change the things you can and keep coming back. (or of course continue to accept what you got now.)
The compassion and care, kindness and understanding will come after you treat yourself with it. You cannot love another without first learning how to love yourself. (This I learned from the program and now accept as the truth.)
It's okay not to fight and argue or discuss with the alcoholic. Its okay not to worry about the dishes getting cleaned, time is not a factor. Its okay to let him forage for his own vittles and not worry that somehow he'll get food poisoning if you don't do it. (If you do it and he does get food poisoning what would you be accused of?) Its okay for him to be him and you to be who you want to be. Wouldn't it be great to discover the serenity, happiness, peace and joy inside of yourself and who you and your HP are. You gotta go for it Pat, you just gotta. He is what he has decided. You are not to blame for that and you are not responsible for him.
Kill the fear. Replace it with the faith that you are okay and will continue to be better.
Pick the time you need to get to meetings...say 90 days and as many meetings in that time as you decide. Blank them out on the calendar and leave the calendar out to remind you. Come get literature, lots of it and a sponsor, work these wonderful steps and start holding hands with your Higher Power. Might as well love someone who fully loves you right? Get a sponsor and stick around.
I hear you. As I said in my other reply, alot of us older-married a long time-to an A, are at our wits end. My AHsober has not drank in a long time. He was in an AA program and doesn't work it any more. He moved out, doesn't want to work a program, doesn't love me anymore, wants to golf, wants to see "what's out there". As I learned here in Alanon, hurt people hurt people.
For myself I have to work my recovery program. I don't need to justify or rationalize the decisions I make. I need much better boundaries with my AHsober whether I live with him or not. I don't need to be a doormat when he or the disease decides to act out. Ultimatums don't seem to work but boundaries do. Seems to me that he should have more time then you as a retired person to cook and wash dishes.
I will be 57 this fall. I am moving to the point of establishing that bottom line that I don't need to be disrepected with other women as we are still married. I don't want to give that message to my grown sons that that is acceptable behavior in a marriage.
This disease is cunning and will get us every time. Take good care of yourself. Go to a ton of meetings. Find your own recovery. You and I have alot of living left to do!
I'm glad you shared this with us. Sharing is part of recovery as well and it helps all of us. I can identify and empathize with how you feel. My A is sober but not working a program. We split up for a short time this year and have since reconciled. He got involved in another relationship that lingered after we reconciled. It was the lying that really got me. I however discovered peace and serenity through this program while he was gone. It is so powerful that I don't want to let anything destroy that. Sounds like you have clearly stated what you want. I have learned from this program that the A is trying to fill a hole in soul with anything and everyone. He goes through periods of self-depricating behavior, gets angry, and feels unsatisfied in his life. He's still searching for a spiritual awakening. I do pray that he'll find it.
You do not have to suffer because of his disease. That has been most important for me to recognize. If he chooses to wander and relapse or latch onto another woman that is his choice. He's screwing up the best he's ever had in my opinion. There is only one me and one family. His actions speak louder than his words. Today we are happy, so I take today for what it is. I can manage my recovery and my relationship one day at a time. I try not to project too far into the future. I do have a plan B and have taken steps to line things up for that plan because I don't know what tomorrow or the next month will look like. I have peace and serenity today and that is what I'm grateful for. You have to choose what is right for you and your serenity. You have friends that care. Keep coming back.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm so sorry. I feel your pain in your post. Welcome to this site, there is so much wisdom here, not to mention very caring souls who know just what you are feeling and can offer words of support.
I know how it is to be mad that you can't enjoy your home. I feel lately like our home has a dark cloud hanging over it. But, the more I stay in touch with people here, and try to go to face to face meetings, the better I feel. Really. I won't lie to you and say that the anger doesn't come back, it does, but there are tools to deal with it better that you can learn.
Please treat yourself with care at this time, even though it may be the last thing you want to do. I know with me I didn't even know how to be nice to myself. That is really changing, and it is really for the better! I like myself now! I am getting to the point where I don't know if this relationship will work because of the on again, off again sobriety with my husband, but if it doesn't, I know I will be okay. I never thought I would get to that point!
It sounds like you are very determined to choose a better life for yourself. Good for you, keep coming back...
Thank you so much for sharing. Instead of words of wisdom to you, I just wanted to send my gratitude to you for the post.
Seeing another going through many things I am going through is so helpful. The responses were just great for me too. I'm 51, married 32 years, and don't know when and if I will ever be able to leave this again.
So...for me, I accept things I cannot change, but work really hard on what I can...which is me...my attitudes, my boundaries, and caring for myself.
So, good luck to you...and I hope you and your HP will find serenity for you.
