The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There have been many recent posts about the negative characteristics of alcoholics and I have taken part in them.
I would like to look at the other side of the coin.I would like to hear what's good about your A.Come on,it can't be all bad.
First I want to say that in a recent response to the lovely and brilliant Diva,I talked about self centeredness.I see alot of that in the A's in my life.However....... my brother in law,who is a recovering alcoholic,is a very caring,thoughtful,kind, and considerate person.He was forced into rehab by his employer,(get better or lose your job).He does not work the AA program or go to any meetings.He was a nice guy when he drank and he still is.
My husband,while he is self centered,is not selfish.My sister is divorcing her husband and the guy does not want her to have anything.She had to get an attorney.My husband will not be that way when we separate,he will let me have whatever I want,he has said that and I know it is true.He said he will always be there for me if I need something and I know that is true as well.He would never empty the bank account or leave me to fend for myself.He is generous.He is funny.He can talk to anybody even a stranger.He is gifted in mechanical ability,can fix anything.He's also kinda cute!
I'd like to hear about the good side of the alcoholics in your lives.After all,there is something that makes us love them.We all know about the negatives and we have to deal with those,of course.Focusing on their positives does not mean we condone or approve of their negatives.I am still leaving my AH,this doesn't change the fact that it is better that I do that for me.I just think this would be healthier for US alanons.
Do to the situation of growing up in an A home, I became very independent and self sufficent of taking care of my basic needs. I know no matter what happens I can take physcial care of me.
Learned that I am a survivor.
Got my MBA because my Mom, the enabler programmed me....helps doesn't guarantee employment.
physcial attractiveness, good genes for aging
and due to the unhealthiness in my family I have found alanon and the fellowship.
When I reflect back...there has been some good stuff. First and foremost, my children. Without my AH entering my life I wouldn't have been blessed with two of the most spectacular kids on the planet. Second, I was blessed with the opportunity to learn more about myself and to grow as a person. I wouldn't trade those things for anything.
Positive personal characteristics of the A.? Hmmm...okay.
1. He's very devoted to his friends, and will do anything for them.
2. He's full of good intentions, and he had/has great potential.
3. He loves his children. Maybe not in the way I would 'expect'...or in the way I feel he 'should' (I still need to do better with that), but he still tries to connect with them. And that's a good thing.
Aloha Dru and this is a good subject. We need to see the good in all people. It isn't all about us and our expectations. Alcoholics are people who suffer from a life threatening disease that if not arrested usually is fatal to themselves and others. They are fully human with the exception of the disease which never gets better and gets worse without treatment. Like all others they have their good characteristics and bad. In AA they also have a 4th thru 9th step to go thru just as we have the 4th and 9th, (the "cleaning up our side of the street" steps) to do if we really want recovery. We cannot take half-measures any more than the Alcoholic can. Under the influence of alcohol the negative characteristics expand and under the influence of alcohol many people will do unacceptable things that they would not consider if they were not drinking. This is a disease of compulson. I know very upstanding people who I love deeply who when under the influence have done very unacceptable things and it is these things that cause deep negative concern, pain, hurt and fear. People become altered when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, literally they are "not themselves" this altering also happens to the spouses, friends, relatives and associates of the alcoholic. One person altered by alcohol can alter their family and community.
If the drinking stays compulsive and habitual then the negative character of the alcoholic becomes more permanent in reality and in the minds of their community. The alcoholic becomes a bad person rather than a good person with a fatal disease. "Acceptance may be the solution to the problem" and the doorway to more healthy decisions by the alcoholics community. Some choose to go on with life in a more healthy atmosphere, some choose to leave this alcoholic and attach to another (often worse off), some choose to wait and see and attempt to build a life with an alcoholic who is still active.
One danger to heallthy choices is denial. The inability or refusal to see the situation as it really is, not listening to and/or accepting objective evaluation and input toward more healthy choices. Not considering alternative consequences and following thru on them for the present. Al-Anons' in denial often just go to meetings; procrastinate on the steps and often don't have sponsors for support. The issue is "not me", "its because of the alcoholic." They complain about the alcoholic or others first and get angry at the suggestions of self focus and self inventory for the purpose of self change. What other consequence could there be but seeing the negative in the alcoholic (and others).
My alcoholic had very good characteristics. That is what drew me to her. What made me stay and try was not the very good characteristics. I thought that everyone should display the good side at all times. What made me stay was my compulsion to fix her "bad" side, that side that was crazy and sick. I could and would see the good side when she wasn't drinking and usually when she was recovering from a particularly bad drunk and couldn't drink. When she relapsed it was worse and the bad I saw would be greater.
The alcoholic has a responsibility to participate positively in their relationships with all others and when they drink that responsibility becomes a non-issue and non-event.
I learned in this program to be able to identify both my wife (good side) and the alcoholic (bad side) and to accept both and to make best choices for my own care regardless of her condition. I included me into the hope that things would get better and then followed up on it. She continued to drink and finally got into recovery. I don't know how she is doing in the disease today. Only God knows.
Today what I wanted from her, all the expectations of fulfilled responsibilities and good characteristics and recovery, is what I want to give to my family and community. Of course I fall short and then fall back on my HP and the program. I wish always to be found loving and loveable. That wish always...always falls short cause like the alcoholic I am human and at times self centered and resentful and fearful etc. etc.
I've got good points too. These don't need to be broadcasted or changed only practiced. I've got people who express gratitude for my experience, strenght and hope and I've got people who just criticize me for the same reason I do it and did it to the alcoholic.
Its good to understand that when I find myself stuck on the negative I can change it, when I seem to walking through the hell of alcoholism I can at the very same time change my path into heaven.
Good subject. Sorry for the extended version as I alwasy working on this recovery issue.
many ((((((hugs))))))
Most of the time criticism is about fear. When I am fearful I get into faith. When I am faithful I am being loving, kind and compassionate; understanding, supportive, loyal etc. etc.
My A, who I love with all my heart, is elegant, stylish, gorgeous to look at, well-spoken, intelligent, well-mannered, well-informed, helpful, kind of heart, good to animals, doesn't waste money, is law-abiding, makes me laugh 'til I cry, stays physically fit, takes good care of the house and grounds, and puts up with me. I do not know how I could ask for more. That's the man I married.
The only problem is, he is an alcoholic. Ooops...sorry I mentioned that word....sober now, and hopefully will remain so. His *whisper*alcoholism has caused certain resentment and anger in me because he is a different person drunk. Still, he has never humiliated me, abused me in any way, spent our money, or been unkind to our animals.
I will always love him, even though I divorced him. There is a great deal to love about this wonderful man. We are still together.
Drucilla what a great topic. My husband's qualities that keep me with him are that he gets me, his accomplishments, he works in world hunger and I admire that, he's a home-body and enjoys cooking, he's a wonderful son and uncle, he will watch musicals with me, he doesn't have sports on TV (well just once in 4 years with the endless soccer stuff), he loves my family and he is a real moral supporter. He protects me ineffectively, but I love the gesture. And he tries. All the time he tries. such a paltry list for the depth of my feeling, but a start. thanks for the idea. ---Jill
I love the positives about my A. I guess the positives are what gives me hope to stay. He can be kind and generous. If someon'e in trouble he'll do what he can to help out. He's a loving father and I love the times we all crawl in bed and cuddle with our kids. He's musically talented, he plays guitar, bass, and little drums. He has a great ability to be realistic when he wants to be. When he puts his mind to something he can accomplish it. He has a wonderful smile and an infectious laugh. He can be sweet and thoughtful, like bring home a rose and lovely card once in a while. When he sees me struggling he gives me the night off and does the cooking, bathing the kids, and cleaning up. He's an awesome cook. He has a zest for life that I admire; which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. When he's not drinking or drugging he's a hard worker and appreciates it when he finds a job that gives back as much as he gives. He's not perfect and in his eyes he's not half the man that he would like to be, but he's working on it. Can't fault him for trying to better himself.
Thanks for the post, I needed to focus on some positives today.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Surprisingly my list of things I like about my A husband is probably longer than what I don't like. Here are the top ten things, not necessarily in order.
1) He is scrupulous about his hygeine, he is not one of those stinky, dirty, yucky type of men. He also ALWAYS cleans up after himself, cleans out the tub, puts the toilet seat down, and has the very best manners when it comes to personal hygeiene.
2) He is a very manly man, no jewelry or cologne or fancy clothes.
3) He is a HARD WORKER which I respect most of all. When he helps with a task he takes no breaks until the work is done and works hard and fast, doesn't draw work out or do a sloppy job.
4) He has worked hard to educate himself and was a college professor while still in his twenties.
5) He has been a great job mentor for me and a very professional one. The career advice he has given me has been more helpful and valueable than what I have gotten from even a professional mentor.
6) He "gets me". LOL! He is the only man I had ever dated who took my little quirks and eccentricities in stride and never commented on them or made fun of them in any way...in fifteen years (this is why I married him).
7) I am somewhat of a klutz and my husband, parents, and daugther are the ONLY people who have never laughed when I trip or do something else klutzy. He just tries to stay by me in stores so when I knock displays over he is quick to help pick them up, LOL.
8) He is careful about money but more with himself than us. When daughter needed a new coat while we were still in college and had no money, he bought her a coat at wallmart and bought his at goodwill.
9) He worked hard to earn my parents respect. My first husband was a total jerk and my Dad was rightly worried about my ability to pick husbands. He was wary of my husband and he worked hard to SLOWLY win him over with deeds...which is the only thing my Dad respects.
10) Probably the nicest quality my husband has. He is not ashamed of honest work and never thinks he is above or too good for any job. One summer, while he hunted for a "real job" he worked at office max stocking shelves. He had a masters degree, had been a college professor and had NO PROBLEM working what job he could find quickly to put food on the table. He just left his college stuff off his application as he knew that they would hire him if they knew. He worked that job all summer, right up until the day before he started a better job.
Well...perhaps I should print this out to try and remember, LOL. Anyway...I think it is pretty clear why I try to stay with him. And I did not even mention how good looking he is or that he is a body builder and looks like michealangelo's statue of DAVID (no lie).
What a nice idea, and a good reminder when things are crazy in our lives why we are sticking with the craziness!
1. My AH is a great father. When we first got together, the main reason I fell in love with him was he was devoted to his kids, who his ex had pretty much abandoned. Not many men would take over the single-handed raising of their kids. We eventually raised those two kids together.
2. He is a caring, social person. He is very likeable and friendly, talks to everyone. If you had a problem, he would be the first to offer help.
3. He is a hard worker. He was laid off earlier this year, and is struggling now, but when he has a job, he is a great worker and proud of what he can do. He did take a restaurant job this summer and hated it, but he worked just as hard at it as any other job he has had.
4. He is so funny. He just makes me die laughing.
5. He lets me do what I want. You know, for the way I want to control him (getting better) and hover around him, he never does that to me. He gives me freedom to be and do what I want.
6. He is sensitive. He cries in front of me and is not ashamed.
I love him dearly. There are certain people in your life whom you feel are connected to your soul. He is, I love him unconditionally. I am learning to set boundaries, but I love him a lot.
What an excellent idea! Well, It's so easy for me to rattle off a host of character defects inmy husband and I am ashamed that that comes more easily than listing the things about him that are positive. So, you really nailed me and I really do need to focus more on my hubbie's good qualities than focus on his character defects. Here is my list of positives about my AH:
1. He's "low maintenance" -- he's happy to have pizza delivered, no pressure on me to have a perfect house, perfect clothes, or to dress/look/act a certain way
2. He has fun with the kids, plays ball or frisbee with them, gets on the floor and plays. He loves them so much and is so grateful for having them in his life.
3. He is sensitive; cries at movies and is not ashamed to do so. Hugs his closest friends and tells them he loves them.
4. Not afraid to admit he's not good with tools and will call someone to fix something.
5. He looks after our finances very carefully and plans for the future; he encourages me to save and watch money, even though we are financially sound.
6. He cooks, does the laundry (well, washes it and dries it), takes care of the yards
7. He is smart. He's gone back to college at 46 and got 3 A's and 2 B's his first semester.
8. He is very social and can talk to most anyone.
9. He pretty much lets me do what I want (someone in another post sited this -- ditto for me)
10. He's stuck by me during some times in my life that were very difficult
11. He can be very insightful and self-aware; we have some great talks about ourselves and our character defects and progress in the program and what we need to work on
12. He's perserverant with himself and with me.
13. He likes to laugh and have fun and he opens new ways for me to have fun.
thanks for this post, Drucilla, it really made me think about how I spend my mental energy and time thinking of my hubbie. I really need to focus on his glass being half full!
