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Well, I posted about not knowing what my HP wanted for me. My HP sure keeps me connected to my AHsober through transmissions on the blink. We drove 6 hours to pick up our car and visit our son in college. So my H drove one car back the same day. He had to finish some work. He avoids deadlines and procrastinates thru TV, computer games, etc. and then has to hustle to get his work in. I spent a lifetime being bumped because of this. I drove the other car back the next day. I called him on my cell saying just go to your house (another state) and we will trade cars later in the week. He said ok I'll work another 2 hours and then leave (be gone when I get there). I know this is what I heard. The cell was going dead and I was driving in a terrific rainstorm but I know what I heard.
Going back to an empty house is always hard. I listened to my recovery tapes and cried thinking of that empty house. As I approached my house, I thought I need to be an adult about this. Even tho it has been a year of being on my own, I survived and my dogs and cats will be there to greet me. I drive up and there is my AH's car in front of the house. Hmmm, he says I am here because we agreed to switch cars (and this is where the crazy making starts). He said I will help you unload the car (he always says I am a nice guy and very helpful). I said no thanks, it is my car and I can unload. I just didn't know what to think about this so I went out back and sat down in the dark and meditated. I said HP give me the words to say. It was getting late and he was looking at an hour's drive in the dark.
I just said how I felt as honestly and calmly as possible. I asked him to spend the night and leave in the morning (nights are hard, leaving is hard but then I have a say about it). I asked him if he was willing to talk on a personal level (read about our separation/recovery). He said sure. I told him that I was probably going to be in my disease and would try not to take his inventory too much. So we talked about our separation and the divorce he wants. About my recovery and his lack of a program. We actually stayed pretty calm compared to our usual interactions.
I kept asking my HP to give me the words to say. I pulled out the divorce papers that have been laying around the house for years. I said take them, it should take 60 days, and that would be a nice birthday present for yourself (birthday in October). I pulled out our marriage license that we signed 32 years ago. I said what you are saying is that you want to end this contract. He said well I would have done this 2 years ago but you said wait. I said that I have no choice but to sign it. The law says that I have to sign it even tho I have nothing to gain from a divorce. Well, we got off the divorce topic and talked about our shortcomings and recovery. I think that this is about the only time that he is sincere and not manipulating me.
In the morning, he got up and said I am going. He said call me if you need "help" cleaning your mom's cabin. I said you need to call me if you want to do something with me. He never does. He made a point to tell me that his weekends were filling up with golf tournaments so he wouldn't be available to do anything. At that moment I realized that I had been "had" and manipulated.
I miss my life with my AH but I think that I have been in denial about how he treats me. He is very selfish as A's are. I deserve a better and more respectful relationship. I went to my f2f meeting last night. In the coming months when I am capable I will be making some tough decisions about my relationship with my AHsober. Sorry this is so long but it helps to write it down and see how it looks.
Wow.Your post touched me because I am going hrough a similar thing,hwoever I have not left my AHsober yet.
We have been married 36 years and he has been sober 16.We are separating when the house is sold (taking awhile because we had started remodeling projects that must be finished).I know now that I have been in such denial about this separation.I have been living with one foot in and one foot out.I can no longer do that.
This separation decision came about because I caught him talking to a woman online and he admitted that he was very interested in her and wants out of the marriage.Since then there have been ups and downs,but it's mostly been me refusing to let go.We have gone out to eat together,to the movies,shopping,took a trip together,and this past weekend went camping.In his mind I think he was trying to let me down easy.But in my mind I continued to see hope for staying together.
The thing is these outings were not always very enjoyable.We would bicker and argue alot.Still,I continued to think that I could 'win' him back.
The camping trip and an online post of his that I read have cinched this whole thing for me.The camping was an AA campout and I was pretty much ignored by him while he hung with his AA buddies.I didn't know anyone so I was a huge sore thumb.I left early and came home, he stayed.He has an online site for A's that he goes to (not MIP).Sometimes I go there to see what he says,he knows I can do this.Yesterday was my birthday and I spent it with my mom and one sister.While I was gone he posted some things, but what hit me was that he said " I think she wants me to stay but I feel nothing for her at all". Ouch. Reality bites.
We also have had these conversations,as you described.I always seem to be the loser in them.
I listed all of our differences,and there are many.I showed them to him.I also set boundaries.I told him that after we separate we cannot stay friends.At least not for awhile.I want space to see how I really feel about him.I also told him that if we stayed together he would have to give her up. ( he now says she only wants friendship,however he wants more and had told me if we stayed together he wanted to stay friends with her.I stupidly had said it would be ok, as long as they were friends only.How I was going to enforce that is beyond me.)The way I feel today,however,there is a snowballs chance in ---- that I would even stay with him.
We had a TV in the living room and he had one in his room.I have talked about moving the living room tv to my bedroom but I never followed thru.I see now that it was another way of hanging on.He would sometimes sit with me and watch something.Tonite we are moving the tv to my room.
I have been handling the money for all our marriage.He loves to spend,has expensive hobbies,and has no clue about paying bills.Every time I asked him to help with the bills he would say I was doing a fine job and he was not interested.Of course I wasn't doing a fine job.I was giving him everything he wanted trying to win his love and we were always over our heads in debt.Now he will come and ask me about buying something.I am not working right now and I have to keep reminding him of that.I end up looking like his mother saying "no,you cannot have that".Naturally he gets mad and I am the villain.So the other thing I have done is separate the money.he will have his,I will have mine,we will split the bills except he will have his credit cards and I will have mine.This way he will know how much money he has and how much he can blow or charge.Takes me out of that and I love it.I will also know what I have and won't have to be put in the position of telling him no anymore.
I see all of this as the beginnings of the separation.We have to live together until the house sells but we ARE separating and I have finally accepted that.I am going to start finding myself now,what I like and what I need.I am going to take care of me and let him take care of him.No more cooking for 2.I love my bedroom,it is all me.I feel so good in here.My own apartment will feel that way too and I am looking forward to it.
Sorry this got so long.I may even have gotten off your topic.Just wanted you to know I understand how you are feeling.They reel us in and then cast us back out.I'm getting off the line.
What a tough, painful situation--32 years of marriage, I can't imagine how tough that is to walk away from and to be without!
A longterm relationship I was in ended last fall, and I am still reeling a bit. We had been talking--almost always at my iniative--and keeping things fairly friendly. I was hoping that if I just hung on and hung in there something might change--I might win her back or she might realize what she was missing. etc. Our phone conversations, especially when they were positive, really gave me hope. I realize now, in my situation, this was a false hope. I woke up with a jolt to the reality of the situation when my partner let me know she planned to date someone new. At that point, I had two realizations: 1) I need to get off this train! 2) The only person putting me on this train is me! Wow, it was hard to for me to realize that I was the one trying to pursue my partner, trying to to win her back, and that when none of my efforts were reciprocated, I was crushed. I decided that I couldn't withstand being on this up-and-down train anymore--with the--to me--mixed messages and false hopes and friendly conversations that I hoped would lead to reconciliation. I think my partner meant what she said--she wanted it to be over and I don't think she thought those conversations were leading me on. However, I had to look at the toll to my own serenity and base my decision not on her intentions, but rather on the effects on me. I decided that what I needed to move on and make a healthy transition into single life was space and lots of it. I let her know--kindly and gently--that I would be out of touch indifintitely--until I had really worked my feelings through. It helped me a lot to give myself permission to look at what I could and could not handle right now and make decisions from there.
I am not writing this to say that you need space or that you need to not be in contact with your AH, but simply to share how my experience of looking at how my interaction with my ex affected me, really helped me start to make changes in our interactions that were beneficial to me. Not being in touch HAS been hard and tough, but I notice I feel stronger and more serene, the longer this space is.
((((Nancy)))), I also want to say I hope that you are extra kind and gentle with yourself during this HUGE, tumultous, confusing transition in your life. It helped me a lot to say gentle affirming things to myself that validated that for me this break-up was HUGE, life-altering in terms of how I saw myself, my future, and even my past. I watched what I told myself and tried to make sure what I was telling myself was affirming of my experience: Of course this is a huge tranisition, it makes sense to feel sad right now, go ahead and cry, it's o.k. to reach out--saying those kinds--as well as reading up on the stages of grief during/after a divorce-- really helped me validate and stay in touch with my own experience of the situation.
