The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I wonder how many times I have to go thru something to finally get it. I have been seperated from my A husband since November. In that time we would have "short lived" periods where we would be talking and trying to work things out. Then there would be other times when I may say the wrong thing and set my husband off. He would call me names, call my children names, threaten me, and tell me that our marriage is over. And I would be hurt all over again and again and again. I posted about having mixed feelings about my husband and I guess no one could blame me. I have been thru "him wanting a divorce" so many times that I have lost count. I know that it has to be at least 20 or better times in the 4 yrs that we have been together. It seems though that it hurts just as bad as it did the first time. I know that I am the only one that is going to stop this. I am just so angry that my husband feels that he has the power to say whether our marriage is going to work or not. I realize that I am the one that has given him that power. It's all about him punishing me for what I have done to him. I know that more than likely he will call me in a few weeks or a couple of months and want to work things out because this is the pattern. Now I have to decide as to what I am going to do.
a kind soul here pointed out to me that if nothing changes...nothing changes.
If you keep doing the same thing over and over...you will leep getting the same result. It took me ages to absorb this. Hope you're kinder to yourself than I was to me!
One thing that came to me while reading your post was something my 1st sponsor said to me when the same thing kept happening over and over and that is that "HP keeps putting us in the same situations until we learn the lesson we are suppose to".
I hear ya.My husband got sober 16 years ago and has wanted out of the marriage many times since then.He would always change his mind tho,as yours does,and I was more than willing to agree and take him back.
We are in the middle of another one of those times that he wants out right now.This time,with the help of the alanon program,I am getting stronger and this time I will go and stay gone.I am not even sure if I really love him, I feel I need distance from him in order to really see how I feel.
We have separate bedrooms,we have a house to sell before we can separate.I love my room.It is all me.I do what I want in here and I feel so welcome and safe here.My own apartment will feel that way too.
You say you know you are the only one that can stop this.Me too.In my case I think my husband just hangs on to me for a "fall back".I deserve better than that,and so do you.It is unfair to keep a person dangling on a string that they control.
Takes 2 to make a marriage.It's not up to him.
Hope you will keep coming and stay with the alanon program.It does get better.
I am awed by those of you who have stayed in long marriages with alcoholic husbands. Not being in that position, but being the mother of an problem, I can only guess how difficult life is. Altho I cannot separate or divorce my problem, I don't have to live 24/7 that way. My ex DIL give my son all of three months before she kicked him to the curb and divorced him immediately in spite of an new baby. I wish she had given him more time, but I also see that when it becomes YEARS of the same thing, well, impossible perhaps. Some of you seem to make it. But what I came on to say is something my son has said to me repeatedly. He says, when we discuss him going to AA and he won't, that he knows many many sober alcoholics and that ALL of them are unhappy. They got sober, most of them to save a marriage, but hate it and feel as if they are living a life that is not them. So many of their marriges failed anyway and the ones that didn't are unhappy. Now you may say, well your son is talking for his own defense and that may be, but he works in a profession where he is always surrounded by males of all ages. And I think he has had this discussion a lot of times as he keeps bringing it up. We are still confused as to where he is actually addicted or whether he is just a "problem" drinker for whom alcohol causes chaos periodically. He can refrain from drinking for periods of time, but it wasn't enough for his ex and they never reached their 5th anniversary. Anyway, perhaps living with a sober alcoholic is also difficult and impossible for some.
