The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
love n. 1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
At one point in my life I thought I knew what love was... now that I am older and wiser I have no idea! I so badly want to know what it means to love or be loved. What does it feel like? Is there anything you can do to help yourself love another or be lovable? How do you show love? People tell me I need to love myself before I can love others... well how do I do that and why is that true?
I think I've made myself clear as to my confusion. I want to accept love and give it but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping some of my fear of this topic is due to my confusion and lack of understanding of the word.
Sandie, I heard a definition of love once and it comes close at least for me. Love is when you care about the other persons feelings as if they were your own. Love is when the unit of you TWO is more important than the one.
But I also want to say each person must be able to love..It goes both ways. Also one must have self love before they have enough to share with someone else. Hope this helps.
I am going to risk the rage of the "bible police" on this board, but since the alanon meetings regularly quote the bible ("The Lord's Prayer" is quoted from Matthew 6:9-13) I think I will take a risk as what I am about to share with you has brought so much clarity about this subject to my life.
I am not advocating religion here, I do belong to a religion but will not discuss it here.
I will merely share with you what I have read in the bible. If the bible is good enough to qoute regularly at alanon meetings, then I should be able to share something with you from it.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is a beautiful description of Love. And in 1 John 4:8 it says that "God is Love". So for me, who better to teach me about love than it's inventor?
I actually wrote a term paper about this subject in a totally "Godless" university setting, LOL, and was able to hand it in and get an "A" without being stoned, so it should be OK here, LOL.
Anyway, this is what I read in Corinthians:
Love is long suffering and kind
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up...
does not behave indecently...
does not look for its own interests...
does not become provoked...
it does not keep account of the injury...
it does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth...
it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...
Love never fails...
So you see that love really is very positive emotion. It took me a while too to understand the complexity of this definition of love.
I understood the "Love never fails" part after I became an adult and reflected on some decisions that my parents had made that I disagreed with. Their love for me never failed in that I always felt in, even when I disagreed with them.
Since I tell my husband I love him I try to keep these thoughts in mind. Especially the "does not keep account of the injury" part, in other words, let go of resentment...who else says that? LOL. It is hard to live the "does not become provoked" part, especially when my husband is acting like drunken jerk. I try to remember to not get too upset, I know that he is sick and I try to detach...hmmm...sound familiar? LOL...
Anyway, this has been a great guide for me to live by.
Good question. Good definition, Zyperiris. However, when I was so depressed back in the winter, because my AH was talking about wanting a divorce, and I could not understand. I was devestated because I loved him, but he did not love me. I realized that he did not love himself at that time, so was incapable of being able to love me.
Also, I asked some members what to do with the love I felt for him. I could not just make it go away. It was right there, making me ache even more. I was told by a very wise person here, that "Love is yourown experience. That just because my AH didn't love me, that didn't mean I couldn't love him." Not that I had to lay down and be a doormat, but that I did not have to banish that love from my heart. He didn't return my love, oh well. That love was MINE to give, and I could keep it for him as long as I wanted to, even if we were apart and had no communication. He did not have the power to take the love I felt away from me. It was my choice, my decision, my love.
Once I was told that, and accepted it, a lot of the pain went away. I could honor the good things about him, and remember our good times, keeping them in my heart. And I did. I did not try anymore to force him to come home, or to reconcile. I went about my daily routine, worked my program, took care of myself. I waited for him to contact me, if he did. And during that time, I carried the love I felt for him like a shining light in my heart. It warmed my once cold and confused soul. It took a while, but one day he called. He is back home, and his love has returned. The unit of the two of us is more important that the one, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself in order to gain his love.
I also found out, you either love someone/something or you don't. Nothing and no one can change that. The same thing goes for other people. They either love you or they don't. You cannot make them change their mind either way. Love is a beautiful gift, but it must be given freely.
Today, I have learned to love myself, and I have so much of an abundance of love to share. With friends, family, my pets, co-workers, Alanon buddies, etc. I used to be so shy and scared, now I know it's because I did not love myself. Good posts, Zyp and Sandie.
Isabela, thanks for the insight. I remember when my husband and I were married in Sept. 2000, we had bookmarks printed up for our guests, which included the Bible passage you quoted. I thought it was, and it still is, beautiful, and something to keep close in our thoughts. If I can remember that verse with everyone I meet, I will surely have a good day and treat people right.
Pia Mellody says that love is the ability to hold someone with warm personal regard even when they are being imperfect. She says you can't love another until you have the abiity to love yourself.
In support,
Nancy
PS She also says that in my case of love addiction it really isn't love but an obsession of sorts.
I can tell you what I know love ISN'T for me. Based on past experience, it's easier for me to relate in terms of what doesn't feel right. I have yet to truly feel what does...and I'm looking forward to it!
- Love isn't begged for
- Love isn't possessive
- Love isn't controlling
- Love isn't painful
- Love isn't ignored or taken for granted
- Love isn't hollow
- Love isn't one-sided
- Love doesn't turn away
- Love isn't blaming
- Love isn't disrespectful
- Love isn't selfish
- Love isn't a scorekeeper
- Love isn't abusive
After being in a 18 year marriage to an alcoholic, I understand perfectly what love isn't. Addiction and love (healthy love) don't mix. I can't wait to experience the other side. It's time to discover what love IS. :)
What a great topic. Just what I needed to hear today. Becky1 you really spoke to me. I want so much to feel OK about loving my A husband when he is really being unlovable. I was begining to think I really was loosing my mind. Thanks to all of you who have been in this program and worked through some of the problems that we all seem to have in common. Hearing your stories both successes and failures is a great help. Gramma Pat
Becki, yes great post. I think it is still in agreement with mine. YOu loved enough to let him go do what he needed to do. You kept your love safe inside your heart. You cared enough of your union to allow what he needed to do. That love came back to you. You at that point cared more about him that he did himself.
The best description I have ever seen about what love is, and what love is not, can be found if you "google" the words "toxic love".... You will see lists and lists of what constitutes toxic love, and what constitutes real, healthy love.... I love that list, and believe it is something to aspire to....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
